In the Company of Ogres Quotes

“I believe it was the great ogre philosopher Gary who observed that complexity is, generally speaking, an illusion of conscious desire. All things exist in as simple a form as necessity dictates. When a thing is labeled 'complex,' that's just a roundabout way of saying you're not observant enough to understand it.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Ned passed the next few minutes quietly not dying in his office, and was pleased with how well it was going. He'd stayed alive longer, but now that he was concentrating on it, it felt more like an accomplishment.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Quiet descended, a silence so consuming that even the drafty corridors ceased whistling. Bog wasn't certain where to look, so he solved the problem by plucking out his eyes and sticking them in a drawer.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“All things exist in as simple a form as necessity dictates. When a thing is labeled 'complex,' that's just a roundabout way of saying you're not observant enough to understand it.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“What, may I inquire, sir, do you plan on doing with the commander?" asked Lewis.
Frank eyed the corpse. "I don't know. In a normal situation like this we usually just bury the human. But this isn't a normal situation."
"Mother had a smashing recipe for human soup," said Martin.
"Dear brother," countered Lewis, "though I loved Mother's cooking every bit as much as you, I really must point out the impropriety of eating a superior officer. It simply isn't done."
"Of course, Martin. It was merely a recollection, not a suggestion.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Let me get this straight." Gabel paced in a small circle. "Never Dead Ned may actually be a secret wizard because secret wizards don't go around showing off their power in public, except to convince people that they aren't really secret wizards, which very few people suspect even exist in the first place."
"It's a very clever ploy," said Frank.
"Ingenious," agreed Regina.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Might I ask you a question, sir?"
Ned groaned. "Yes, I was dead last night. And yes, I know they call me Never Dead Ned. But I guess that's only because Occasionally Dead Ned isn't nearly as catchy. Does that answer your question?"
"It's true then. You can't die."
"Actually, I die very well. In fact, I dare say I'm the undisputed grand master at perishing. It's the staying-dead part that I'm not very good at.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“No man was worth dying over. But she was beginning to think some just might be worth killing over.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“The women kept their smiles, although both their thumping hearts dropped from their throats to land hard back in their rib cages. For Miriam at least, this was less a metaphor, as siren hearts wandered a bit through their bodies depending on their mood. But to be accurate, hers hadn’t risen all the way to her throat, stopping as high as her sternum before sliding its way down and resting on her bladder, thus adding a need to urinate to her disappointment.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Sound the call to attention,” Ned told the bugler.
The goblin put the instrument to his lips, but after a pause he lowered it. “What’s that sound like? I forget.”
Ned strained his memory. It’d been a while since he’d heard it himself. “I think it goes da-da-da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, dum-dum-da-dee.”
“Begging your pardon, sir, but that’s the dismissal song,” said Frank. “Call to attention has more pep. Da-dee-da-dee, dum-dum-dee-dum, dee-dee, I believe.”
“I thought it was more like dee-dee-dee-dee, dum-dum-dee-, dee-dee-doh,” said Gabel.
“You’re both wrong,” countered Regina. “It’s dum-dum-dee-dee, dum-dum-dee-dum.”
“That’s the orcish wedding march,” said Gabel. “Call to attention has more ooomphh.”
“What’s ooomphh?” asked Frank.
“It’s half the pep,” said Gabel, “and about three-quarters more pizzazz.”
“There’s no pizzazz in the call to attention,” said Regina, “and if you ask me, he’s already overdoing the pep.”
The insulted bugler balked. “My pep is always dead-on, I’ll have you know. My pizzazz is nearly perfect. I’ll grant you my ooomphh isn’t always on target, but I’d say a touch more shebang and a healthy dose of zing is what’s required here. I could throw in a little wawawa as well. That never hurts.”
“There’s no place for wawawa in legitimate military music,” said Regina.
“Yes,” agreed Gabel. “Just stick with the ooomphh.”
“No shebang either?” said the bugler.
“I guess you could put in a little shebang,” said Gabel, “but if I even hear one note of wawawa I’ll have you thrown in the brig.”
Though small, the bugler’s slight chest was mostly lungs, and he unleashed a long blast of musical improvisation. The discordant tune filled the citadel. The orcs and goblins nodded along appreciatively, while everyone else covered their ears. The powerful sound floated all the way to the roc pens where the giant birds proceeded to tear at each other in panicked alarm. Caught up in the performance, the bugler kept on playing until Ned gave the order to stop, and Regina yanked away his instrument.
The sweaty bugler gasped. “How was that?”
“Too much zoop,” said Frank.
“Not enough zing,” added Gabel.
“No bop at all,” said Regina.
The goblin snatched back his bugle. “Everybody’s a critic.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“Ned felt vaguely insulted. And unimportant. It was one thing to hide away from the world. It was quite another to discover the world didn't miss you when you were gone.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres

“The ninth circle was where Hell did its accountancy. The demons within were ruthlessly efficient. All they cared about were profit and cost-effectiveness. Everything was a debit or credit, a gain or a loss. Their ultimate goal was to reduce the universe to a calculation, a final heartless equation in which every soul, living and dead, divine and damned, would serve in the Glorious Ultimate Dividend.”
― A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres