ally douglas?’s Reviews > never fallen > Status Update

The bulletproof glass shatters into a million little pieces that sparkle like diamonds, into too many emotions that slip through Andrew's skin like water through spread fingers and make themselves a home past the protection of his ribcage and near his heart.

He hates the electric sparks that dance along his skin when Neil is near him, he hates the flicker of light inside of him that chases away the darkness that has become familiar to him in all the years he has known it, he hates how alive he feels when he kisses Neil, he hates that he can’t seem to let go because he knows that it would kill him.

he tries to imagine letting go of shared cigarettes on the roof and truths for truths and of the feeling of someone’s fingers in his hair but never pullin and of someone understanding and of someone who doesn’t flinch back and of the feeling of falling without coming closer to the ground and of his stomach dropping and the glow that has started to fill the darkness inside of him, and Andrew finds that he can’t.

And Andrew knows, as takes a drag of his cigarette and watches the smoke escape out of his mouth and into the sky in the mimicry of one of the thin clouds above, that this time the pieces on the board are placed in a way that undeniably screams “checkmate”.

But not for him.

Andrew doesn’t waste his breath saying that it isn’t a relationship, he doesn’t because he knows that it is far too late for that. He doesn’t because he knows that while that word might not be completely fitting for himself and Neil, for the fragile thing that breathes life into Andrew in the same way Neil does, it might be the one that comes as close to the truth as possible.

Three more chapters left but i don’t want to finish because that means they’re gone🥲

Most of all, though, he thinks about how much trust he’s given Neil piece by piece without getting burned like he expected to and like he got used to. It’s trust that mirrors the amount of trust Neil has given him in return. It’s enough, almost, that it spills over his hands that are cupped and runs between his fingers without getting less like the water stained by dirt and blood escaping down the drain.

And Andrew’s pulse is normal and strong, his hands are steady when they reach for the lock and his thoughts are a carousel of colors that come to life and get brighter the closer he steps to Neil but Andrew finds that they’re calm and clear, and the sound of the lock sliding into place doesn’t feel like the gunshot and the call of judgement it had felt like when he was younger
favorite trope:healing inner child

Time passes slowly and the sun keeps spilling its golden and bright rays inside of the room that hit Andrew’s skin and warm him but are nothing in comparison to the man sitting in front of him whose gaze Andrew feels like the touch of a feather running over the skin of his face.

And it is a this, Andrew is long past denying the truth when it’s right in front of him and sitting under the layers of his skin and brushes against it from the inside out. He’s long past denying it when he’s getting pulled back together like two patches of skin with a thread of stitches with the knowledge that Neil’s back. He’s long past denying the flame that has been lit inside of him that refuses to die