nathan’s Reviews > Horse Girl Fever: Stories > Status Update

We’ll be useless, finally, like we pretty much were all along. We’ll have nothing left to do but go into the forest and write songs about women and about fucking up. How we did everything wrong and screwed up our lives, and now our children’s fathers are robots. It will be a better world, and our sad songs will echo through the birch trees.

What man in his right mind would shoot up a room full of beautiful naked women? It was like having a force field made of thongs and boob jobs.

I leaned over to look at my reflection in a puddle and threw up in it. A few seconds later, my startled face gazed back at me in a swamp of half-digested pizza.

I watched those tiny droplets fall through the yellow glow of a security light and wondered if any part of me was broken. Then I realized pretty much all of me was broken and wouldn’t get any better, and that’s why people have to die one day, to make room for a less fucked up generation.

.. whoever these people are, pantomime what they remember of the world.

My dad died of cancer three years ago. Since then, I have been “sensitive” meaning “the opposite of how men are supposed to be” because we must keep our shit together and build pergolas. I put the nail gun to my temple and pull the trigger. Just kidding.

The world is so beautiful I can barely stand it.

I want to get down on my knees and wrap my arms around her and smell the deer vagina on her skin, the warmth of the creator’s womb like a halo radiating from her existence.

I try again, this time summoning all the words in my vocabulary to explain to this out-of-my-league bartender that it’s my 40th birthday, and would she be interested in cheating on her cheating boyfriend by having sex with an assistant account manager with a regular-sized penis shaped like a Gonzo nose?

“Horse Girl doesn’t have boobs,” said Leonard. “She has nipples,” said Max. “Pink ones. They gave me a huge boner.”