Alexus Subia’s Reviews > A Little Life > Status Update

In those months I though often of what I was trying to do, of how hard it is to keep alive someone who doesn’t want to stay alive

Life is so sad, he would think in those moments. It’s so sad, and yet we all do it. We all cling to to it; we all search for something to give us solace

He was worried because to be alive was to worry. Life was scary; it was unknowable

When he opened his eyes again, Jude was sitting in the edge of the wig the bed smiling at him, and he was filled with affection for him: how beautiful he was, for how dear he was, for how easy it was to love him

Sometimes he though about what he had done and felt that Sam sorrow he had felt in the hospital: the sorrow that he had failed, that he was still alive

Sometimes it’s because I feel so awful or ashamed and I need to make physical what I feel. And sometimes it’s because I feel so many things and I need to feel nothing at all it helps clear them away. And sometimes it’s because I feel happy and I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t.

The person I was will always be the person I am

Not because I don’t trust you……. But because I can’t bear to have you see me as I really am