Florian’s Reviews > Swimming in the Dark > Status Update

I realise now that it never mattered. Because you were right when you said that people can't always give us what we want from them; that you can't ask them to love you the way you want. No one can be blamed for that.

'Nice moustache,' I said, nervous, when you lit my cigarette and you saw my eyes flicker over your face, your fingers gracing mine as you cupped your hands to protect the flame from the wind. You ignored my comment, it's platitude.

A pair of panties. White and lacy, discarded like someone's fantasy.

You took another bite from the cake. 'Is that your problem?' You said this with your mouth full. It disgusted me, and I realised then that your power over me went so unthinkingly far beyond the physical.

The cold air gave us goosebumps as we undressed. We found warmth beneath your covers. We tested our strengths, restled with the urgency of desire, conjuired up heat. Our bodies like firestones. You had me and I had you. But it didn't feel like the other times, the first times. It felt like we were settling a score, evening something out. Like we needed this, this language, this code, to know where we were, and who.

I let the silence rush in, hoping it would blur the reality of this moment. Our footsteps resonated in the dimly lit street. There was no one there except us. I helpd on to the stillness for as long as it would let me, for as long as I could.

When we were naked like that, changing, showering amongst them, we weren't really ourselves. We were lighter, without consequence. We took off our roles along with our clothes, and only belonged to the anonymous world of bodies.

I don't know why he was so honest with me, but it made me feel less alone.

But now I begin to think that not everyone suffers in the same way; that not everyone, in fact, suffers. Not from the same things, at any rate. And in a way this is what made us possible, you and me.