Thibaut Nicodème’s Reviews > Gone Grey: A Parody > Status Update

“You made your fortune selling your blood?” he asked. “How much did you sell, exactly?”
“A lot,” I said gravely. “That’s the reason I was as pale as a vampire when we met.”

“My jaw dropped to the floor. Tyler Perry picked it up and handed it back to me.”

“Why did you hide your wife’s pregnancy from us?”
“I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t know,” I said.
Yes, I told them, I’d found the empty pregnancy test box in the trash.
Yes, I’d found the positive pregnancy test in the trash.
And, yes, Anna had off-handedly said, “Earl, I’m pregnant.”
But how was I supposed to put all these clues together? I wasn’t a detective.”

“I can see it in his eyes, and I think: My husband might kill me.
So if you find this diary and I’m dead, do the math.
Because I can’t do the math.
Math is hard.”

“I feel so alive! It’s a beautiful day out, and the birds are singing.
Oh, wait. Those aren’t birds—it’s just the radio alarm clock. I was wondering how the birds learned Iggy Azaelea.”

“The way Anna wrote about our courtship made it sound like I was a filthy rich, mentally unbalanced sociopath who stalked her until she gave in. ”

“I open my eyes and stare down at Mr. Grey and HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.
I stifled a laugh, because that was the same thing going through my mind when Anna cartwheeled into my office: HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES AM I HOT.”

“We had a son, Chris—but he was repossessed by the bank.”

“The ironing board was out, and the iron was still on. Someone had been here; Anna had never ironed anything in her life. ”

“I can assure you I’m not going to hit the Space Needle again,” I said. “You can trust me. Just get in. Time’s a-wasting.”
She climbed in. I hit a bunch of buttons just like I’d seen my flight instructor do a million times. Before I knew it, we were soaring in the air, over Puget Sound and—
—right into the Space Needle.
This time, only a dozen people lost their lives. All tourists, so big whoop.”