C.A.’s Reviews > Terra Incognita: Lost Worlds of Fantasy and Adventure > Status Update

With the ending focused on Helsa/Hanuvar world-building could have been stronger in relation to aforementioned character.

"She knew there was more to it than that, but she didn’t ask for details."

Passive voice completely unnecessary. If PoV is strong throughout it helps to support the voice as a whole, bringing life to the main character via the written word / reader dynamic...

"There was more to it than that, but Jessa didn’t ask for details."

"Jessa was sure Hanuvar would somehow drag him forward, or trip him into the cavity." This is the first we hear of this cavity. How did it get there and why weren't we told? READER must come 1st.

This hole, (which I predict will resolve all threads), should have been written into the story with intention. It is an important key plot device and should have been treated as such.

"Were he as he had been when he had ruled as the sorcerer king, he would have laughed at the revenant’s folly."

There are 4 'he's in this sentence. 4 of them.

"The amulet was carried by a man in silly armor perched on top of the
wooden deckhouse..."

We don't know it's one of the revenants until you clue us in. We are only readers. Author took the time in the beginning to describe their black and yellow armor. What was the point of that, if not to reuse the info now?

"Jessa was already calculating the challenges
in front of her."

There is a lot of passive voice in this story. I had not mentioned earlier examples. Passive voice is most apparent when you unwittingly place it upon an action bearing sentence, such as the one above.

And again, haphazard with the 'ing.

A simple: ['Jessa calculated the challenges in front of her.] would have sufficed.

“Do you feel that?” Jessa asked. Dimly, she perceived something
peculiar about the trunks Melara touched, but it was only a vague
sensation.

What was the sensation? We will never know. PoV

Part 9 Opens with unknown actor. 'Her, 'she. A few sentences in we realize it is our thinly written protagonist.

'cognitive dissonance' This psychology term is out of place in this story.

"Jessa suddenly understood who had boarded their ship
and been telling her stories."

If Jessa knows now who Helsa really, who this, 'Hanuvar is. Why in the nine hells are we in the dark?

We are supposed to be in her PoV. Further on we get dialogue from, 'the general. Whom we must assume is Hanuvar.

Disjointed storytelling. This could have been avoided. PoV is the foundation of modern writing. Think of the READER

Helsa is actually Hanuvar!

Who in the Hell is Hanuvar and why should we care?

We didn't even get a story from the 'storyteller. I'm still wondering how the author could have missed such a golden opportunity to world-build.