Christina Macabre’s Reviews > Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy > Status Update

"In nonmonogamy, unspoken expectations and assumptions typically don't bode very well. Since we are talking about attachment-based polyamorous relationships, we are taking about relationships in which you are committed to showing up for each other (from choice, not obligation), actively cherishing each other dong the work required to build a relationship and possibly even building a life together" (163).

Going from monogamy to CNM means that people are taking a massive shift in their world view. Almost every aspect of love, romance, sex, partnership & family now has a different set of expectations, practices, codes of conduct & even language compared to the dominant monogamous paradigm of relationships.Deconstructing monogamy for yourself along with all its ingrained beliefs & behaviors..can be extremely difficult131

"The takeaway message here is not to abolish all relationship hierarchies or shared bank accounts, but instead for people to procure secure attachment from their relational experiences instead of their relationship structures. Allow your direct experience with a partner to be the vehicle to secure attachment instead of having certain relationship concepts, narratives or structures be the vehicle" (125).

"This means that the survival response that was meant to be temporary has now become constant. The threat that we experience does not even need to be real, but the repeated perception of a threat, day after day, can push our nervous system into a traumatized state. When this happens, we are living in survival mode, stuck in sympathetic dominance and unable to access our ability to recover and thrive" (75-76).

"But bigger traumatic events can activate our natural stress response to such a degree that our nervous system is overwhelmed and dysregulated to the point that this chemical cocktail is unable to be processed and we are left unable to fully recover. This can have a lasting effect on the nervous system, and when left untreated, trauma can interfere with our ability to inhabit our bodies... (75)

"Rigid boundaries are a sign we are over focused on protection without allowing sufficient connection. When our boundaries are to rigid on the input, we are blocking and when they are too rigid on the output they are restraining (69)."
"Trauma occurs on a continuum of stress, and the difference between a traumatic experience verses a bad or stressful experience is the impact on our body's ability to recover (74)."