Julia’s Reviews > A Stroke of Midnight > Status Update

And, against all odds, the book ends with--what else?--an overlong, boring, pointless conversation! Not that Hamilton could top the insanity of the last few sex scenes.

"'Torture has solved your crimes before the police could even finish processing their so-called evidence.'" Er...Hamilton, I don't think it's a good idea to ADMIT that three-eighths of your book was pointless. Oh, and Andais is holding the torture victim by his intestines. First wall-blasting sex, then Amatheon being f***ed back to life as a mud-man, and now intestines as a leash. This book is just surreal.

This is the climax (pardon the pun) of the book. Amatheon has now become a giant mud-man, and he reappears WITH HIS PENIS IN MERRY'S VAGINA. His giant MUD-PENIS. While Adair's penis is already there. And GIANT MUD-PENIS. Merry F***ED ONE OF HER BOYTOYS BACK TO LIFE. AS A MUD-GIANT. WITH A MUD-PENIS. There are sex scenes in troll fics less goofy than this.

Oh, God, now Merry's wangsting about friggin' BEEF STEW?! And, of course, the harem drops everything to comfort her?! What a crybaby! She wants to be queen of a faerie realm?! She's not even level-headed or mature enough to be a homecoming queen!

Cutie marks. The members of Merry's harem and Merry herself now have CUTIE MARKS. Like goddamned My Little Ponies. Oh, Doyle calls them "tattoos" and "marks of power," but come on: Merry has a moth on her body, Nicca has a flower, Galen has a butterfly...they're cutie marks. I'm betting one guy has a smiley face, and another guy has a heart, and a third guy has a rainbow.

"It looked like a miniature battlefield". And what caused this miniature battlefield? Merry's threesome. The demi-fey were stabbed with pieces of wood when the door blew up from the POWER OF ORGASM. I am not kidding. I truly wish I was.

Just an update: mistletoe has magically appeared in Merry's hair. Doyle says that mistletoe "'was once considered the seed of the god'". Merry is wearing JIZZ FROM A GOD IN HER HAIR.

And Frost worries that he and the other guards won't be able to keep Merry safe--from the natural disasters caused by her having sex. That's it. Hamilton CAN'T be taking this seriously. She has to be f***ing with us. She just HAS to be.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The threesome between Merry, Galen, and Kitto was SO POWERFUL it BLASTED A HOLE IN THE WALL. How is this not a parody of some kind?!

"Tight and wet". Did Hamilton use that description first for Anita Blake, or for Merry? Anybody know?