Mars’s Reviews > Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead > Status Update

"I find it so bizarre that I occupy space, and that I am seen by other people. I feel like I am falling through space and Eleanor just threw me a rose. It's such a sweet, pointless gesture. It would be less devastating to fall through space alone, without someone else falling next to me. Whenever someone does something nice for me, I feel intensely aware of how strange and sad it is to know someone" (p 135)

One day I will die, and one day everyone I know will die. One day everyone I don't know will die. One day every animal and plant on this planet will die. One day earth itself will die, and one day all of humanity, and all relics of human life.

It's easy for me to accept that my life is trivial, and that I am a speck of dust. It is hard for me to accept that for the people around me, however.
It's hard for me to accept that my brother's life doesn't matter, or that old women who die don't matter, or even that rabbits or cats don't matter. I feel simultaneously intensely insignificant and hyperaware of how important everyone is.

I am one of 753 billion people on a planet orbiting one of 100 billion stars in one galaxy among billions of galaxies in an ever-expanding universe.

She said, "I learned that there is a circular connection between thoughts, behaviors, and feelings." She said, "It works like a feedback loop. What we think affects how we feel and act. If I feel bad because I think I'm not a good friend, for example, I might avoid people, which will then make me feel worse.

Does dying feel more like falling asleep, or like suffocating? Does it feel like something else?

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I think more and more about it, since after Mama died.

There are a lot of things on earth that I think would be considered magic if they weren't real. Dreaming, for example. The fact that babies are created inside of women's bodies; the whole concept of conception. Cas-tles. Trees. Whales. Lions. Birds. Rainbows. Water. The northern lights. Vol-canos. Lightning. Fire.

"what if birds were like people?"
"What if birds had concerts, wouldn't that be weird?"
"What if they had weddings?"
"What if they got each other gifts?"

I wish that I find something distracting enough to occupy my mind with thoughts unrelated to the futility of my existence, or that I die in the least disruptive way possible for my family.

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Ah~ depression . :(

"You're an idiot," I hear myself saying. Stop. "And you're the worst kind of idiot because you have no idea that you're an idiot."

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HAHAHAHA SHE’S FED UP