Kay Jay’s Reviews > Dungeon Crawler Carl > Status Update

Donut: CARL IT IS ANOTHER VILE MURDERER.
Carl: I don’t think so, not this time. Also, I know you don’t have to type in all caps. I’ve seen you do it before. It makes you sound like you are yelling.
Donut: I AM YELLING CARL.

New Achievement! Bitchmeat! You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait… Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.

The Feral Rabies debuff is now curable with a health potion or spell. And the contagion is no longer airborne. Sorry about that, New Zealand.

I have a couple of announcements. First off, we want to assure everyone that we have quashed all the bugs with the new toilets. Both the exploding issue and the, ah, unfortunate suction issue with some of the units have been resolved. There is absolutely no need to be afraid of them.

Enchanted Fae Scale Quadruped Crupper of the Fleet. Boy is that a fucking mouthful. By the gods. +2 to Dexterity. Light and flexible, this scale armor is made from Fae Steel. While not as strong as Elven mail or even good Orcish steel, it’s the strongest alloy that fairy folk can wear. It’s not the best protection, but it’ll make your ass look oh so pretty.

New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!

“I must admit,” Donut said as we jogged away. “I do like it when you blow stuff up. I like it a lot.”

“Were there really babies in there? Like goblin babies?” I asked. “Oh yes, there were a bunch of them. I only saw them for but a moment, but they were quite cute. Some of them were wearing little oversized jackets, like Baby Yoda. Adorable. I think you hit one with the cart. There were old ones and pregnant ones, too. Did you see your level? We’re both level eight now. You’re welcome.”

“Did you see him? Was there a giant goblin in there?” I asked. Donut heaved for breath. “Yes. A huge. Ugly. Goblin. My word. I do not like running. He was sitting down, reading a book. Blow it, blow it good.” I jammed the button. “There sure were a lot of babies in there, too,” Donut said in that last moment before the blast.

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”