Swaye’s Reviews > Cunk on Everything: The Encyclopedia Philomena > Status Update

"By adding propellers, like a bird, the Wright Brothers’ plane could get off the ground, fly dozens of feet, at a height of several inches, and land safely, just like airplanes do to this day, except the ones that crash."

"Cats have a way of reading your magazine by sitting on it and absorbing the best bits through their arsehole."

"Light isn’t the only animal that can be measured in a vacuum. Hamsters, for example, are quite easy to measure in a vacuum too. If you’ve got a load of hamsters running around in a room, and you hoover them up, you can count them a lot easier once they’re in the bag."

"If you could take the top off your head without dying or getting leaves on your brain, you’d see little bits of lightning all moving about on the cauliflowery bit, which are what ideas look like, except to see in the top of your own head you’d have to put your eyes on a sort of selfie-stick and that might stop them working."

"The brain is the most complexated part of the body. Compared to the brain, your hand might as well be your bum. That’s how complexated the brain is."

"If hiccups were like a fire alarm drill, how would you know when they were a real fire alarm, and that you should run screaming from the human body because it’s on fire?"

"Some scientists say that dinosaurs revolved into birds. But dinosaurs are much too heavy to fly, because they’re made of stone."

"We get lots of energy from food which we can use to power the muscles that are needed to eat the food that powers our muscles that eat the food that we use to power the muscles that eat our food."

"Alan Turing, the weird man who discovered computers, is now a national hero, and people queue for ages to touch the Turing Shroud."

"The Black Death was a plague. Not a metaphorical plague like a metaphorical plague, but an actual plague—made of plague."