Alan (on December semi-hiatus) Teder’s Reviews > What It Feels Like for a Girl > Status Update

Is that you, Old Mother 'hbbard?
I sez, I did it, Mammar. I made it out of 'ucknall.
I wish ya were here. I wish ya could see it.
It won't be the same without you, ya know.
I'm sorry I din't come an' see ya more. I hope ya know how much I love ya.
I'm gonna work hard, an' live ma life to the full. I'm gonna make ya proud.

They've put me in a cell on ma own. I've gotta TV. I watched Poltergeist on ma first night on this wing. Ya hear people goin' on about how they shun't have TVs in prison an' that, how "it's like a holiday for 'em". Well, I'm not bein' funny, but if I paid for a holiday an' ended up here I'd be writin' a very strongly worded letter to Thomas Cook.

People say, "Ya can always tell if it's a man or a woman by the voice", which might be true a lotta the time, but ma voice is dead feminine so ya can't always go on stereotypes, can ya? I remember when I first called round for Smanfa - I must've bin about nine or ten - 'er mam shouted, "There's a gel wi' a shaved 'ead askin for ya." I mean, for fuck's sake! Smanfa loves that story.

Peter's older than I first realized. Reckon he's in 'is fifties. He's got records from the eighties an' that. Mam used to have a Whitney Houston record when I were little, but I've never seen one since. He's got "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell. He was actually there, in the hallowed decade.

I watched this programme when I was little an' they were makin' jokes about gay people listenin' to the Pet Shop Boys an' wearin' tight white T-shirts an' it just stuck in ma 'ead coz I liked the way it sounded. Tight. White. T-shirt. It's all the Ts, innit? Well it turns out a lot of 'em do wear tight white T-shirts, actually, though not all of 'em. I don't think Max would. But I look good.

I'm gerrin one by Moby coz he's in all the adverts, an' one by Kelis wi' that song that guz, I hate you so much right now, coz I sing that about Gaz. An' I'm gettin Ray of Light by Madonna coz Max sez it's got that song on it where she guz, An' I feel. Aunty Ray sez it sounds like she's goin' "Anna Friel" off of Brookside, ...