olive ⭒˚.⋆ ⚔ .ᐟ’s Reviews > Twilight > Status Update

See, the Alice backstory reveal would have been interesting had we established the slightest semblance, the barest hint of recognition in James, sooner; had he ALSO factored her visions into his plans (since bro is knowledgeable), & had we placed importance on Alice not knowing her human life at all before essentially two chapters ago when I rolled my eyes because yeah, looks like this is our 11th hour reveal (¬⤙¬ )

Damn, so the evil vampire can't be beautiful, too? Loveliness equating goodness strikes again 😔✌️.

Still on my "Bella Has So Much Underdeveloped Journalist Or Even Detective Potential And This Story Would Easily Be Infinitely Better If Stephanie Meyer Had Done Something With That Fact" soapbox. Yes, I am right for it. Come listen to my TED Talk then join my cult.

Besties Emmett & Alice are the best Cullens, imo. Oh, don't get me wrong. Alice has dubious morality, is dating a proud Confederate soldier, * definitely sees Bella as a Project™ & Emmett simply Does Not Care About Humans™ trademarked & proud — but personally? Besties.

Tbh, this book is Very Slow. If I weren't listening as I did other things I might be a little miffed. Stephanie Meyer, Ma'am, let's speed things up. Edward speed. & if I didn't know the plot, I might be annoyed at how it's only really picking up in stakes now. But also, the writing can be quite fun at times (& easy to digest), so I can't decide if I would be aggressively bored, reading text on page.

I'm sorry, but Edward trying to be all mysterious & broody & equating his diet to vegetarianism & following it up with a strained 'but it never sates you... the desire... always there... so strong...' is infinitely funny. Mentally weak fucker.

Imagining human!Edward going on a keto diet to support Emmett & walking into a bakery & salivating like a dog. Alice going vegan & Edward INHALING butter at 2 am.

LOSER.

Bella: Don't worry, I'm very good at using maladaptive coping strategies 🤙🏽

Someone PLEASE get this girl in therapy (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥)

I understand that it's supposed to be "Edward takes care of parentified Bella; makes her feel safe when she's vulnerable; matches her angst-riddled, awkward humor."
However, to me, it's Old Man Edward being so goddamn off-putting with his flighty, manipulative bouts of possession. You are over a century old and still don't have coping skills?? A mere hobby to occupy your time???

Could not be me as a vampire, my guy.

Omg I forgot about dial up internet.

IMO, it would be infinitely cooler if Edward couldn't read facial expressions & generally use interpersonal deductive reasoning for shit. Consider: he has mind reading and he over-relies on it & that>/b> is why Bella is exceptionally intriguing. He doesn't know how to read her. Like an old muscle that weakens, Edward doesn't know how to read people without hearing it.

Right now, Edward ✨️knows✨️ her. Boring.