TL *Humaning the Best She Can*’s Reviews > A Double Dose of Dilaudid > Status Update

In Case You Didn't Know:

If you experienced flank pain yesterday, but you woke up today and felt fine, you're not really making any friends by coming to the ER and using this as your chief complaint when we have a line of people waiting to be seen trailing out the door.

Real Chief Complaint from a Teenage Patient at the Registration Desk:

“I feel sick when I smoke, so I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.”

Tests confirmed she was.

Her main concern: “Can you give me something so I can still smoke without puking?”

A husband trying to get out of going out on a date night with his wife decided to intentionally aim a nail gun at his hand and shoot. It certainly worked to get him out of the date. The six-inch-long nail went straight through the patient's thumbnail and was sticking out the other side.

(Cont in comments)

Triage Nurse: “Have you been out of the United States in the last six months?”

Patient: “Yes.”

Triage Nurse: “Okay, can you tell me where you traveled?”

Patient: “Well, we had to go to New Mexico for my wife's aunt's funeral.”

Geography is hard.

Helpful Hint:

If we tell you to sit in a wheelchair, stop arguing and just do it. I can't lift 300 pounds off the floor, and it's a lot quicker to get you to the back if we don't have to get a crew of lifters to the lobby in the middle of a busy shift.
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Yup. They don’t got Wonder Woman or Jean Grey on standby

Seriously?

Please, please, PLEASE come to the ER at 4 a.m. because your anti-psychotic medication is causing you to experience erectile dysfunction. Yes, we know you 'only decided to come to the ER because [your] wife is so mad at you for not being able to climax after an hour and a half. Thanks for explaining that after you've asked three staff members to have sex with you.
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Oy to the vey

Helpful Hint:

Take your shirt off before you iron it if you don't want to end up explaining how you sustained second-degree burns on your chest.

Friendly Reminder...

If you like going through life with five fingers on each hand, remember it's generally not a good idea to use power tools and alcohol at the same time.

Working in this department is dangerous. It's easy to forget this because so many people are focused on fact that Emergency Rooms are where you go to get help. But registration clerks make first contact with all patients and if shooters come in, we're likely to be the first to die. Several employees enter rooms alone with violent or handsy patients. Some patients or family members don't take the final diagnosis or

Everyone should have an emergency contact at all times. If this isn't possible, keep a regularly-updated record of health someplace first responders will see it if they have to break in your house and pick you up off your floor. Have a friend or family member you can trust in case you're admitted and won't be home for a few days,

(Cont in comments)