audrey > Recent Status Updates

feels like it’s taking too long to get anywhere and the plot is really dragging right now. a lot of the short chapters just feel like filled to build out the idea of a character and not actually utilizing them as a person in their own story.

I’m just trying to say stop worrying and do the damn thing.

I know it doesn’t make sense, but under that confidence and being very open about knowing that I’m talented, I’m scared. It’s a weird space to be in mentally, aware that I’m really good at something but still so afraid of the future.

Our elders say that ceremonies are the way we "remember to remember,"

“Nuance that can be medicine for our broken relationship with the earth. A pharmacopeia of hailing stories that allow us to imagine a different relationship in which people and land are good medicine for each other.”

“Breathe it in and you start to remember things you didn’t know you forgotten.”

“I lay there for a long time. Apparently, I was recognizable to the Crawler now. Apparently, I was words it could understand, unlike the anthropologist. I wondered if my cells would long be able to hide their transformation from me. I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. But mostly I felt the utter relief of having passed a gauntlet, if barely. The brightness deep within was curdled up, traumatized.”

“But the longer I stared at it, the less comprehensible the creature became. The more it became something alien to me, the more I had a sense that I knew nothing at all…”

“But the fact is, even though I didn’t deserve it—did I deserve it?”

“I had gotten sidetracked, like I always did, because I melted into my surroundings, could not remain separate from, apart from, objectivity a foreign land to me.”

“It bound him to me in a more intimate way than we had ever seemed to have while together.”

“My husband had had an inner life that went beyond his gregarious exterior, and if I had known enough to let him inside my guard, I might have understood this fact…He created his share of our problems—by pushing me too hard, by wanting too much, by trying to see something in me that didn’t exist. But I could have met him partway and retained my sovereignty. And now it was too late.”

“…the brightness washed over me in unending waves, and connected me to the earth, the water, the trees, the air, as I opened up and kept on opening.”

“There were thousands of “dead” spaces like the lot I had observed, thousands of transitional environments that no one saw, that have been rendered invisible because they were not “of use.” Anything could inhabit them for a time without anybody noticing.”

“I didn’t tell my husband my walk had a destination because I wanted to keep the lot for myself. There are so many things couples do from habit and because they’re expected to, and I didn’t mind those rituals. Sometimes I even enjoyed them. But I needed to be selfish about that patch of urban wilderness.”

“There were no reasons so mighty that they could override the desire to be in accord with the tides and the passage of seasons and the rhythms underlying everything around me.”

…but I don’t have to wear rose colored glasses
to see life in color anymore

…I’m sure you promised her forever
is that the same forever you promised me?

I hate the fall
it smells like you again
and I can hear your voice
float through the wind

whispering those three little words

it’s winter now
cold
and rainy
and you’re not here

you promised to love me
through all the seasons

maybe I was just not your weather

to love you
was to hand you a gun
and have you aim it
at my heart
and pray
you never pull the trigger

I gave myself to him with the skin peeled off
I let him see me for what was inside
I let him look at me raw

I let him memorize the lines that strung through the plans of my hands
I let him count the number of veins that kept my heart beating

and I’ll still love you if you told me
you didn’t wanna be here anymore

I think I’m the girl before the girlfriend
…
I don’t wanna be the girl who teaches you how to love
I want to be the girl who gets it

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