Status Updates From Do You Even Know What You'r...

We’re seeing a spread of negativity because that’s what gets the attention. Please, please, please never stop believing that there are good people out there. Please never stop being one just because we are flooded with articles about injustice.

When I was six, I broke my leg and knocked out my two front teeth by standing on the sink and jumping into the toilet bowl, and then immediately smacking my face on the side of the tub.

My brother and I thought it would be cool to try to flush ourselves down the toilet because we heard people flushed baby crocodiles that grew to be 50-feet long down in the sewers.

Holy crap, I was a dumb child.

-R.W. New York

My PT patient started screaming at me until she was red in the face, calling me vulgar and unprofessional.

She yelled, “What makes you think I would tell you if I need a shit break? A true lady never discusses those things!”

I choked on my water and had to explain, “Jane, I said a short break. Let me know if you need a short break.”

-P.L. Minnesota

I was performing an ultrasound on a first-time mother when I felt something against my rear.

When I turned my head,the patient’s husband was on his knees, sniffing my rear.

No words were exchanged. I gave an expression of concern and bewilderment, and the patient’s husband returned to his seat.

-R.K., OB-GYN Utah

Anyone else want to know what the conversations were on both sides after that happened?

On our way to staging, my partner and I stopped at a coffee shop. My partner ran to the restroom, and I was standing at the back of a line that wrapped around the room. I was minding my own business, listening to Let It Be play over the speaker system.

As soon as the “words of wisdom” part came on, the guy at the counter screamed to the cashier, “
(Cont in comments)

U.F. of Rhode Island says:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but attic insulation is NOT a good substitute for a contrac*ptive sponge.

I don't want to know but I also want to know

“Don’t worry. All these places have shatterproof glass,” my dumb ass said to my partner, right before I ran full speed through a full-wall window that promptly shattered.

Got super lucky and only had to get six sutures. Didn’t get lucky when the hospital sued me. They ended up garnishing my wages.

-I.Z. Idaho

“It was an Illuminati. Illuminati, yeah. It was a black Illuminati.”

“You mean it was a Lumina?” I asked my frantic caller, as he was trying to explain that we needed to send all available officers for a report of someone tossing a McDonald’s cup to the side of the road while driving.

-F.O. Alabama

I once had to argue with a patient that drinking a bottle of wine each night did not fulfill nutritional guidelines for five servings of fruits and/or vegetables per day.

-E.S., M.D. California

My first patient of the shift told me she never drank water. She said she hadn’t consumed straight water in years.

“That’s not good,” I told her. “You need to drink more than soda and coffee.”

“Can’t,” she said. “I’m allergic.”

“You’re allergic to water?”

She nodded and said, “Yeah. When I drink it, I pee nonstop.”

-E.L. Maine

First patient of the day, and I had feces all over my gloves. I tried to slingshot one into the trash can, but it flew back and hit me in the face.

-A.K., M.D. Nebraska

Pulled in the parking lot. Saw 11 cop cars and one of my frequent flyers scaling the flagpole, while he was naked. Turned around before anyone could notice I’d pulled in.

I called my boss and told him I had explosive diarrhea and that the stress of being sick made me start my period.

He quickly told me to take the night off. I could hear the frequent flyer screaming in the background as my boss was hanging up.

I was trying to get my foot in my shoe without untying it first, but I slipped and hit my head on a hand tiller that my wife had told me a million times to take to the garage. I had to call in sick so I could go to the ER for stitches.

My supervisor said since I work in the ER, to come in as a patient and they’d assess the severity of my injuries and then make a ruling on my call-in.

Cont in comments

I was approaching the awning to enter my department, when I was splashed on the head by something wet and smelly. I looked up and saw one of our frequent patients standing on the roof, peeing down on me. He was admitted for a mental health eval. None of us know how he even got on the roof.

-T.W. New Jersey

grossed out and amused

I got into a heated discussion with the father of one of my patients because he and his wife said they didn’t believe in vaccinations for their child.

The father is a veterinarian, who’d just lectured me on the importance of bringing my barn cat in two months late for…vaccinations.

-Initials and location withheld at request

We had a man in his early-40s come in with a crochet hook inserted in his shaft. He was accompanied by his wife—his very furious wife.

According to the patient, his wife had been too busy working on a custom afghan order to have sex with him, so he wanted to ‘hide’ the hook and make her find it.

Yeah, he was in our ED for about 20 minutes, and then we shipped his crazy ass to surgery.

-H.K. Washington

After leading me on a two-mile low-speed pursuit, the driver told me,

“I didn’t pull over because I thought your lights were fireworks.” Nice, new excuse, but you’re still going to jail.

-P.R. Alabama

One of our 92-year-old residents got new shoes for his birthday. They’re Heelys.

We’ve busted him numerous times for popping wheelies around our SNF.

-Initials and location withheld at request

My husband recently joined the local police department. On the day he returned training, I said to my toddler, “Let’s get your shoes on. We’re going to take daddy out for a special supper.”

My daughter became excited and asked, “Donuts for supper?”

I said, “No, silly. Donuts aren’t for supper.”

She looked confused and said, “But policemen only eat donuts.”

(Cont in comments)

The strangest thing I’ve ever witnessed on the job was coming out from a lift assist and seeing a guy licking the side of our rig.

When he saw us, he acted like nothing had happened and he just walked off into the sunset.

-W.S. Illinois

I was the only one on our department softball team who’d ever played softball.

I was also the only one who’d swung too hard, clocked myself in the back of the head, and had to be carried off base by three guys from Radiology.

-J.M. New Mexico

I believe I replied to my caller, “Ma’am, your yarn being out of stock at Hobby Lobby does not constitute as an emergency.” -T.U. Indiana

If I detain you and you remove your fisticuffs after learning a ‘wicked’ technique from a YouTube video, no, ‘bro,’ I’m not going to be ‘totally stoked’ or impressed… especially if you run back to fight as soon as you get them off.

The college kid wanted ‘mad props’ the entire ride to the station. Sorry, dude, you got mad cops instead. -N.P. Florida

While we were helping our resident move in, we came across a mini cast iron skillet.

I was curious why she’d pack that, so she told me, “Because when you bastards try to steal my shit in the middle of the night, I’m gonna beat the f*ck out of you.”
Well, okay then.

-M.B. Tennessee

Someone from Lab created a funny 18+ crossword puzzle, so on a slow night, we were racing each other to be the first to finish.

One of the doctors read aloud, “A four letter word for a promiscuous woman.”

As one of our patients from an SNF was being wheeled back from her room, she shouted to the doctor, “Elma. That biddy gets it on with anyone who breathes in her direction.”