Status Updates From How to Be an Adult in Relat...

Disappointment is a kind of loss, the loss of what we had hoped something was or could be. At bottom is the loss of an illusion to which we were clinging or on which we relied. The only thing that can be lost, after all, is illusion.

Consider how the ego interferes by adding fear, attachment to an outcome, the need to control, blame, sense of abandonment, and so forth. These are all additional sources of unnecessary pain.

Confront or turn away from those who bring you down, put you down, or try to control, abuse, or scare you—no matter how close they are to you.

Passive aggression (that is, expressing anger indirectly) has no place in an adult relationships

We become generously human when we find a way of expressing anger without hurting others. Such nonviolent resistance flows from higher consciousness rather than instinct, and it makes the world a more mindful, safe, and loving place.

An introvert will also most likely have to fight for the right to be himself.

Indeed, a slow response may be a good sign, a sign of slow, deliberate processing

One person calls back the minute he gets a message, another waits a day or more. It is about personal style, not a question of insulting or respecting us.

Compassion for ourselves and viewing our predicaments with amusement and without shame, remorse, or malice will give our human drama a happy ending.

If you have the slightest doubt, it is important to wait till it is cleared up before proceeding. We wise adults faithfully honor the test of time because we know there is a difference between love and fascination, but when hormones are aflutter we may not see it.

We may love someone and know she loves us, but if she is not a peer or even interested in the things we are passionate about, an unremitting loneliness will eventually strangle the relationship.

With your eyes closed, visualize yourself alone doing exactly what brings you happiness and peace of mind. Notice where you are, your posture, your inner feelings, your sense of safety and security. Once you are fully enjoying the scene, bring your partner into it in your mind’s eye. How does that change your body posture, level of safety and security, happiness, creativity, enthusiasm about life?

Your head, your heart, and your gut.

One we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us.

We can decide the się of the foothold a partner can have in our psyche

People who have it in them only to be friends, never spouses, want the rhythms of distance and closeness that friendship provides. They prefer absence alternating with presence rather than continued presence. This is a legitimate option. But social pressures—once internalized—may push such a person into marriage, and the result is two unhappy people and perhaps unhappy children.

A healthy person is not one in a relationship but one in his or her own skin.

Caring for ourselves while dating means not betraying our true nature in a desperate attempt to get someone to want us. We have to retain our boundaries if the process is not to end in self-abandonment and self-deprecation. We cannot allow anyone to take advantage of us or put us down for tryin

In any case, when intimacy is real our partner does not need to be talked into it.

Perhaps the most promising partners come to us when we neither seek nor avoid the possibility of finding someone. We simply live in accord with our deepest needs and wishes and notice people we meet. We trust the universe and its miraculous power of synchronicity to bring us just the person who is best for us.

If you fear loneliness, don't get married.
Anton Checkov

I will come to you my friend, when I no longer need you. Then you will find a palace, not an almhouse.
Henry David Thoreau

We never loose our our unconditional love of light.

Occasional lapses into powerlessness help us let go of ego and control, and every real hero welcomes them.

Our ego searches for love, but we are meant to find love within ourselves first. Once we have done that, we can reach out to others as rich people looking to share the wealth, not as paupers seeking to commandeer it.

We might even seek relationships that guarantee protection against having to look at or process our issues. A partner may be appealing to us precisely because he implicitly promises that we will never have to confront, process, and resolve any issue very deeply, never have to change an intimacy-defeating style. We think, “He is superficial and just as scared to confront things as I am, so I am safe here.” In such rel

Sometimes, the abuse is so subtle that we fail to notice it. Sarcasm, ridicule, teasing, “kidding,” or continual criticism, for instance, starts to feel less like abuse and more like a part of the background noise. Sometimes one partner does not meet the other’s needs, but since he also does not do anything major to upset the apple cart, Adam and Eve go on in the relationship without thinking of options such as chang

We conditioned ourselves to escape while staying. Now these same strategies only keep us stuck in untenable situations. Look at the irony: we are protecting ourselves by denial and dissociation, thereby succeeding only in remaining at the mercy of the abuse.

Yet only grieving the past truly frees us from it.

An inner nurturant parent protects the inner child.