Status Updates From How to Be an Adult in Relat...

It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness.

have come to accept that fear is a given of life, at least for me. But there is one thing I can commit myself to: I will not let fear stop me from doing what I need to do or drive me to do what I don’t want to do.

Likewise, we might stay put in what isn’t working because we want to be faithful to the promise we made, to be a “man of my word.” Then, when the relationship ceases to work for either of us, either of us can’t leave because guilt holds us back.

We are not respecting ourselves when we put up with a general pattern of negativity or hardly any need fulfillment or happiness.

Lively energy has a unique shape in each of us. For instance, if I never had a period of time alone (without a parent or partner in my life), I may never have found my personal liveliness.

The terror that strikes us in a crisis comes from the powerlessness we feel in the face of it. (Joseph Campbell defines hell as being “stuck in ego.”)

The next time you see someone acting arrogantly, realize what pain and fear he carries under that mask of omnipotence and have compassion toward him.

Spiritual adulthood includes a frequent examination of conscience and a need to make amends when appropriate. The alternative—that evil is only out there in others—grants us a sinister permission to retaliate and punish. We build trust when we admit we are not perfect.

To state our needs rather than to blame others for not fulfilling them leads to the very openness and vulnerability that makes for authentic intimacy.

People dislike us for what they uncover not about us but about what we hide. Indeed, they like and respect us for our disarming admissions about our limits and inadequacies. Knowing this gives us yet another chance to articulate our truth, to drop a pretense. We then want to be ex-posed so we can act freely with no further need to invent or protect a self-created image.

Once we cease our dispute with circumstances and simply face them and deal with them, we feel serenity, changing what can be changed and accepting what cannot be changed. By doing so, we build a strong foundation for self-respect, a healthy alternative to universal entitlement. This means, among other things, establishing and maintaining personal boundaries so that others do not take advantage of us

To free ourselves from our neurotic ego is ultimately to accept the conditions of existence and to see ourselves not as victims or opponents of the givens of reality, but as adults who face up to them honestly. These givens include the following: things change and end; life is not always fair; we pay for growth with suffering; things do not always go according to plan; people are not always loyal or loving.

It would be tragic to die having successfully saved face in all our relationships.

We might leave our family home and enter another home with others as soon as we embark on a committed relationship or as we move in with roommates. This can deprive the psyche of the solitude it needs for its full development. Beings as complex as ourselves need retreats from others to explore the depths of our character and our destiny.

No one can talk the gut out of its own reality; we can only honor its reality.

Only if we tolerate the discomfort of fear can we master it.