Status Updates From Help Me Find My Car Keys An...

I wonder, when I'm finished, if any or of these little ditties will stand out above all others? Maybe Ruben. I know that guy.

This book is self-aware that it contains no stories. I think it may have a complex about that as well. Do all Jon Konrath books need therapy?

Theres only so many of these weird flash pieces you can ingest in one sitting.

Still no McD.L.T.

Jon Konrath, lets do a deep dive into the cola wars on Bizzong. You were there. I was there. Two vets, hashing out the trauma?

All I know is a RealDoll costs about as much as an import car, and it takes something like 16 weeks to fill a custom order. (I’ve heard. I don’t spend all day on the RealDoll site pricing out models and making screen captures of each rendered preview. It’s a friend or something.)

Konrath Writes Too Many Stories Involving Lawn Equipment Because He Is An Idiot

I went to seventeen different drug stores looking for an over-the-counter test for colon cancer, preferably one that didn’t involve shoving something inside one’s butthole, or mailing cards smeared with shit to a PO box in Atlanta.

I needed to find a horrible townie bar, the kind filled with peg-legged prostitutes and chronic alcoholics only hours from total death. I needed a place that sold me bottom-shelf liquor anonymously, without the fruit and frill of a tourist trap, just a slow row in a dark space, murder by ethylene.

“I HAVE IRRITABLE BOWEL DISORDER! I HAVE A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR! THIS IS MY COMPANION FIREARM!”

“Didn’t Coke used to be a cold medicine?”
“Patent medicine, yessir. Nerve tonic. Cures morphine addiction, too. Or you can mix it with morphine, shoot it straight in your veins. Nine MGs of pure cocaine per six-ounce glass before 1903. They took the cocaine out, of course, but nothing’s stopping you from mixing it back in.”
“Well, except the DEA. And the cops.”

I think if Jesus was a true conservative, he would have let the free market kill him, instead of depending on the service of the Roman government.

Konrath Writes Another Stupid Story About A Bad First Date, Because He Is A Horrible Person

Directing a Olson Twins movie isn’t that far removed from starting up a murder cult in the desert. It’s just more socially acceptable.

I TRIED PUTTING SYRUP IN THE PANCAKE BATTER
IT DIDNT WORK OUT BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN
ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA

Every great work of literature written in the Twentieth century is somehow about some guy trying to get his dick sucked.

I Took Some Coffee From A Wild Cat’s Butt And Put It In My Butt And Now I’m A Wild Cat With Coffee In My Butt

I tried pulling out once in 1989, didn’t care for it. I have a provisional patent on a male IUD, but it’s only 12% effective, and nobody wants to jam a coat-hanger into their dick.

I remember trying to buy one of those custom mail-order door mats from Parade magazine, and requesting the text to say “BUTT STUFF FEVER: CATCH IT!” and seventeen weeks later, the company returned my order and my check for $9.97 with no apology or explanation whatsoever.

“Yeah, fuck that. Any maritime fast-food is bullshit. Fish tacos, fried shrimp — fuck Long John Silver’s in all three holes. I want no part of that. I don’t support it.” I never liked seafood in general, but I also didn’t like the idea of having a highly perishable food in a food chain run by minimum-wage workers in the most inland parts of the country.

Chapter one, where I go insane from deep dick vein thrombosis while watching a Cindy Crawford Tits of Steel workout video from 1991.