Status Updates From McSweeney's Issue 29 (McSwe...

'After years of pretending to search for a creature I'd imagined, I accidentally discovered it. My colleagues put aside their hate for me and we celebrated our good fortune with champagne and Red Bull. My God, we all said, What a relief.'

'I was first advised by a loris as I sat on a bench removing the paper wrapping from a bean bun I had purchased at a vendor's cart. I was told that excessive possessions weary the soul and that generosity is the way of the wise.

'I looked up into the branches above me, from whence this piece of advice had come. Two white-rimmed black eyes blinked down at me from the leaves.'

It's nice when someone is excited to hear from you.