Status Updates From Again with Feeling (The Las...

This better bring me closure or I will jump

Believe it or not, there isn’t a WikiHow article for “How to Introduce Yourself to a Potential Murderer.” (I checked.)

Okay, I would have hooked up with strangers, except the one time I tried, I got so nervous that I had to pull over and puke on the side of the road, and I ended up messaging the guy (because of course I did, because I couldn’t just ghost him) and telling him I couldn’t, um, do adult stuff with him because I’d just watched Jurassic Park III and I was upset about how bad it had been.

Some girls are like that, you know? They don’t know how to have fun.” At that point, Bobby got a very different kind of look from Candy, and she took a lot of time uncrossing her legs and crossing them again.
(Not the 60-something lady trying The Basic Instict Sharon Stone move on Bobby 😂)

If you’ve never had a homicidal maniac call you a kindred spirit, let me tell you, it takes the shine off your day. And I didn’t love that part about keeping an eye on you either.

“Joking,” I said. “That was a joke.” Then, to seal the deal, I made myself laugh.
Everyone’s eyes got huge. A seagull screamed, did a startled take-off, and swerved at the last moment to avoid one of the piles.
At the next table, a baby started to cry.

If you're around my age, you just thought "It's a rock LOBSTER" and I don't care if you try to deny it.

ONLY I DIDN'T SAY FUDGE