Status Updates From Mothers Who Can't Love: A H...

tbh the first half of the book was great but the second half has been lw a snooze fest 😔

I really like and appreciate what she has to say about the emotion of anger. Good stuff!

This is emotionally heavy.

"Bir başkasına bakmaktan öyle acizdirler ki, bağlanmanın anneliğin özünde olduğu varsayımını geçersiz kılarlar. Bu gibi kadınlar, kızlarına nesne muamelesi yapar, hayatların­ da yolunda gitmeyen şeylerden dolayı ona gücenir ve suçlar, ondan en ufak nezaketi esirger ve daha vahim vakalarda onu kötü niyetli kişilerden ve istismarcılardan koruyamaz, hatta kendileri istismar ederler."

"Tıpkı yumurtalarını kuma bırakıp denize dönen su kap­lumbağaları gibi, bazı anneler kızlarını doğurur doğur­maz duygusal olarak ortadan kaybolurlar. Fiziksel olarak mevcut olsalar bile, kızlarının yanında olmazlar; mesafeli ve soğukturlar; kendi ihtiyaçlarıyla o kadar meşguldürler ki, kızlarına baksalar dahi onu görmezler. "

Sobbed by page 3

Mom, is that you?

Gonna do the exercises in a slower pace to avoid feeling overwhelmed🥲

These “if only” beliefs keep you stuck in an alternative reality of yearning and longing. They keep you passive and reactive rather than proactive because you are waiting for your mother to change instead of doing the tough work of changing yourself.
It’s time to stop waiting.

Even when a daughter consciously tries to set her own agendas and navigate the present, her unconscious is often working frantically to salve the wounds of the past.

"You may also have mastered the art of pretending things are fine when you’re struggling, and not asking for help when you need it because you believe it would reveal your supposed weaknesses, flaws, or inadequacies."

HEHEH.

The truth is, you aren’t responsible for your mother’s happiness, and you can’t fix her; only she can do that. You will always fail. Real love isn’t something a child has to “buy” with good deeds.

Whose voice is it? Your mother’s. Whose interests does it serve? Hers. The narcissistic mother doesn’t have to tell you “Push yourself down so I’ll look better,” and the controlling mother needn’t say, “Prove me right by failing.” The programming she’s instilled does the work even when she’s not there.

These internalized messages help form some of our oldest and deepest
beliefs: Because they’ve been part of the air we breathe for so long, we
regard them as true and often behave as though they are true without ever
questioning them.

But whether the messages are positive or negative, the child absorbs them and builds a core understanding of herself around them.
The mother’s “you are” becomes the daughter’s “I am.”

[...] the messages from your mother that parachuted into your being like a thousand dandelion seeds, planting in you false beliefs about yourself and your relationship with her.
In a sound mother-daughter relationship, the messages you received would have been full of nurturing, building your confidence and supporting your growth and your moves toward independence.

PART TWO

Oh God I do not have the stomach to go through Chapter 6. May we all protected from this kind of abuse.

Apologizing when you have been wrong is a great gift you can give your child. It lets her know that you are not afraid to be vulnerable or honest, and that you respect her enough to acknowledge your mistakes.

"When these women become adults, they often get caught up in the social pressure to have children. Some give in to a husband’s desire to have a baby when it’s not really what they want themselves. Or they unwittingly become pregnant and feel compelled by their moral or religious beliefs to become mothers, despite their own misgivings."

Too relatable 💔💔💔

We have to assume that a mother who is so cold and uncaring must have been severely traumatized herself. She may have been rejected, or grown up in a loveless household and never learned even the rudimentary aspects of tenderness, empathy, or giving. That kind of trauma doesn’t go away by itself.

[...] some mothers disappear emotionally almost as soon as they’ve given birth to their daughters. Unavailable, distant, and cold, they may be physically present, but they look right through their little girls, preoccupied with their own needs.

If you have children, you can’t keep dissipating your emotional resources by going back to rescue your mother. You have a responsibility to yourself, your partner if you have one, and to the children. Your mother has to take responsibility for herself.

Instead what the daughter hears most often is: “You’re so wonderful for helping me.” Not for being who she is, with all her uniqueness and value.

It’s not a suggestion, it’s a mandate for a mother to help herself so she can adequately care for her children.

A young child doesn’t have the power to solve her mother’s problems—only her mother can do that.

Finished the chapter of Controlling Mother. I have a hard time identifying if whether or not Mother suit this archetype.
I was already naturally 'smart', obedient, my choice of 'boy-friends' were great, and I went to 'top' schools. I wonder if she'd act differently if I were not up to her "standards" on aspects of life that reflect her self-image? Will she be more controlling?

As I think about the many controlling mothers my clients have had, certain facts emerge clearly. These mothers seem to be very displeased with their lives. They may have come from homes in which they were, themselves, controlled and belittled by their parents.

Daughters of unloving mothers almost universally promise themselves one thing: If I do nothing else in my life, I will never, ever, turn into my mother. Yet as we’ve seen, as adults, they often shock themselves by acting very much the way their mothers did toward them.

When controllers tear their daughters down, whether with threats, ridicule, or criticism, they rob them not only of their dignity and self respect but also of their volition.