Status Updates From Mothers Who Can't Love: A H...

Whose voice is it? Your mother’s. Whose interests does it serve? Hers. The narcissistic mother doesn’t have to tell you “Push yourself down so I’ll look better,” and the controlling mother needn’t say, “Prove me right by failing.” The programming she’s instilled does the work even when she’s not there.

These internalized messages help form some of our oldest and deepest
beliefs: Because they’ve been part of the air we breathe for so long, we
regard them as true and often behave as though they are true without ever
questioning them.

But whether the messages are positive or negative, the child absorbs them and builds a core understanding of herself around them.
The mother’s “you are” becomes the daughter’s “I am.”

[...] the messages from your mother that parachuted into your being like a thousand dandelion seeds, planting in you false beliefs about yourself and your relationship with her.
In a sound mother-daughter relationship, the messages you received would have been full of nurturing, building your confidence and supporting your growth and your moves toward independence.

PART TWO

Oh God I do not have the stomach to go through Chapter 6. May we all protected from this kind of abuse.

Apologizing when you have been wrong is a great gift you can give your child. It lets her know that you are not afraid to be vulnerable or honest, and that you respect her enough to acknowledge your mistakes.

"When these women become adults, they often get caught up in the social pressure to have children. Some give in to a husband’s desire to have a baby when it’s not really what they want themselves. Or they unwittingly become pregnant and feel compelled by their moral or religious beliefs to become mothers, despite their own misgivings."

Too relatable 💔💔💔

We have to assume that a mother who is so cold and uncaring must have been severely traumatized herself. She may have been rejected, or grown up in a loveless household and never learned even the rudimentary aspects of tenderness, empathy, or giving. That kind of trauma doesn’t go away by itself.

[...] some mothers disappear emotionally almost as soon as they’ve given birth to their daughters. Unavailable, distant, and cold, they may be physically present, but they look right through their little girls, preoccupied with their own needs.

If you have children, you can’t keep dissipating your emotional resources by going back to rescue your mother. You have a responsibility to yourself, your partner if you have one, and to the children. Your mother has to take responsibility for herself.

Instead what the daughter hears most often is: “You’re so wonderful for helping me.” Not for being who she is, with all her uniqueness and value.

It’s not a suggestion, it’s a mandate for a mother to help herself so she can adequately care for her children.

A young child doesn’t have the power to solve her mother’s problems—only her mother can do that.

Finished the chapter of Controlling Mother. I have a hard time identifying if whether or not Mother suit this archetype.
I was already naturally 'smart', obedient, my choice of 'boy-friends' were great, and I went to 'top' schools. I wonder if she'd act differently if I were not up to her "standards" on aspects of life that reflect her self-image? Will she be more controlling?

As I think about the many controlling mothers my clients have had, certain facts emerge clearly. These mothers seem to be very displeased with their lives. They may have come from homes in which they were, themselves, controlled and belittled by their parents.

Daughters of unloving mothers almost universally promise themselves one thing: If I do nothing else in my life, I will never, ever, turn into my mother. Yet as we’ve seen, as adults, they often shock themselves by acting very much the way their mothers did toward them.

When controllers tear their daughters down, whether with threats, ridicule, or criticism, they rob them not only of their dignity and self respect but also of their volition.

She had provided for her daughter’s physical needs—and many people would look at that as a sign of love—but she rarely offered affection. [...]

[...] She didn’t hit or slap; she didn’t need to. Her words and tone underlined to Karen that her feelings and preferences didn’t matter.

You may also have a powerful need to exert control in your own life, often by controlling other people. Or, conversely, you may live with the sense that you must always put others’ needs ahead of your own. Those are the pervasive marks of having grown up with a controlling mother.

But an important part of the parenting process is gradually stepping back to let a little girl learn for herself, and when a mother’s control precludes her child from doing that, it ceases to be helpful and loving.

Finished the chapter of Enmeshed Mother. There are points I feel related to but I do not think it describes Mother, she was and still too busy with her own-self to fit the typical "too-involved" mothers.

But I do learn from this chapter about:
- respecting privacy and boundaries w/ children
- the importance of supportive husbands for the wives so they can be healthy mothers and mother-in-laws in the long run

When you believe that love means making the other person happy at all costs, then to love means giving up the right to your own desires.

"They lack two crucial elements for change—self-awareness and the ability to be introspective—which makes counseling all but a charade. [...]"

"As long as they can blame everyone else for not filling their insatiable demand [...], they can successfully avoid responsibility for their own damaging behavior. They’re good at that, and because they rely on it to feel better, they have no reason to change."

OH?