Status Updates From Mothers Who Can't Love: A H...

“Women who were unprotected as children don’t believe they are worthy of love—on an unconscious level, they believe that if they were, their mothers wouldn’t have allowed them to be hurt.”

“Mothers like Emily’s look at their young daughters seeing only “mess” or “bother” or a disruption of the fantasies and plans they had for themselves.”

“• Life is terrible.
• I wish I’d never been born.
• What have I done with my life?
• Why did I marry your father?
• I don’t know what to do. I’ve screwed up my life.”

That's Why I'll never ever bring a child into this mess

“These mothers seem to be very displeased with their lives. They may have come from homes in which they were, themselves, controlled and belittled by their parents. They may be controlled and put down by their husbands or bosses.”

“Blowing up that way might feel good for a moment, but as she well knew, the consequences make your life worse, not better. A lot of people think that if they yell, they’re standing up for themselves; however, not only doesn’t it solve anything, but it also makes you lose your dignity and your credibility.”

“Criticism is the fountainhead of control, and control freak mothers discover early that if you tear your daughter down enough, you strip away her ability to be assertive and her will to resist. So they rely on insults and criticism to keep you one-down, hardly missing a beat when you become an adult.”

“Cruel digs and jokes made at a child’s expense can cut to the core”

“Perhaps most troubling, even when you take great pains as an adult to escape her reach, you’re very likely to carry with you huge reserves of the anger and resentment her control created in you. You may also have a powerful need to exert control in your own life, often by controlling other people.”

“It’s almost impossible to say no to someone you are bonded to with this kind of ritual when the bonds are secured not only with the natural love you have for her but also with fear, obligation, and guilt.”

To me “The overly enmeshed mother” is not really unloving mother. She’s just an overprotective and that’s actually nice.

“It’s not easy for a mother to see a child struggle, and it’s natural to step in and do whatever she can to help. But in healthy relationships, independence is always the goal. For all the help her mother gave her, Stacy grew up feeling inadequate, always focused on her weaknesses rather than finding ways to develop her strengths.”

“She didn’t seem able to get a job commensurate with her education.”

🥲🥲

“They make us feel unloved because they are so absorbed with making themselves seem important, blameless, and exceptional that there is little room for anyone else.”

“It’s an old cliché that women tend to marry their fathers, but the more eye-opening truth is that we often marry our mothers. That is, in choosing partners and situations in adult life, we are frequently propelled by a strong unconscious need to repeat the familiar dramas that produced the mother wound.”

I deadfully agree with that

“If you’ve lived with an unloving mother, her legacy is there every day in the difficulties you face, and keep facing, in your emotional relationships and as you try to develop confidence and self-respect.”

“Every one of us needs to master the art of using self-protective, assertive behavior. It’s the most effective defense against mistreatment..”

fuck jill lives me and my homies hate jill

Second time through. This time via audio.

“Some women have a PhD in sadness” me

“Before you can heal—and make sound decisions about how to handle your relationship with your mother—your head, your gut, and your heart must all fully acknowledge what happened to you.”

“After all, if you can’t trust your mother, why should anyone else be different?”

“…then fear, obligation, and guilt click into action. Fear that you’ll lose your mother’s love and affection. A sense that you’re obligated to do what it takes to make her happy—because that’s your role as a daughter. Guilt about doing anything that will hurt her feelings or upset her, guilt about expressing your true feelings, guilt about any complaints you’ve had…”

If the “you are my whole life” quote is any indication, this next chapters gonna wreck me

I honestly can’t tell if I relate to some of this or if I’m getting more confused

This book is very insightful. So far, it has been clarifying and empowering.

Kinda got bored

“Sadly, many daughters of unloving parents get their first taste of freedom and often destroy it by acting out self destructively. Whether it’s with alcohol, drugs, food, sex, or all of the above, the revel often degraded herself I. A fruitless attempt to prove that her parent no longer controls her”

(sorry this is for self help)

『not for the first time, I surrendered to the overriding sense of worthlessness that my father had instilled in me and let in shape my life

🕴🏻