Status Updates From Love Monkey

And as we pass the corner and wait for a cab I give her: "Why do you hang out with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what's the point?" I say.
"You're my friend," she says. "You buy me drinks."
Even then, as she heads for her getaway cab, I worship the ground she walks away on.

"I thought about you the other day," she says.
That one is like slamming a double Scotch. Her thinking about me is such a rare occasion that it merits a mention. Did I think about her the other day? Did I breathe air the other day? Since I met her I haven't gone two hours without thinking about her.

Except at work, I haven't seen Julia for two weeks. She always comes up with a reason to cancel. Waiting for her at the Marriott Marquis, I think, Wouldn't it be great if you could take someone to relationship court? Plead your case before a neutral observer with the power to make someone quit acting unreasonably? Hate crimes are severely punished. How about love crimes?

This girl is so much fun to talk to, it’s like talking to myself.

A sadist and a masochist go on on a date. The masochist says, “Aren’t you going to hit me?” The sadist says, “No.”

Description of Shooter, the archetypical friend who is great in all domains and acts as wingman, consigliere, and priest. He’s rich, fit, confident and cool. He dresses well and woman fawn all over him. But he isn’t a dick about it.

Love is the drug store. And Julia’s the pharmacist dispensing my Viagra, ether, speed, Valium, heroin.

Good description of impending panic attack

I want to crawl inside it and marinate in my longing. Things shouldn't be this complicated. Things weren't always. Were they? I still have the same worries I did when I was thirteen. Except now I'm slightly better dressed, I have a lot more money, and I'm a lot closer to the point where it is severely abnormal to be single.

Shooter say: All hot girls have a "boyfriend" hanging around some. where. Ignore this information. The brain of the hot girl is not wired to handle the concept of being without a boyfriend. So they hang on to the old until they begin with the new.

She doesn't elaborate. I don't press her.