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I would love to have someone with this type of description to do so with my brand new biographical novel: Second Chances: The Love Story of Al and Jeanie Tomaini...I know that you might be scared by the love story part but I felt like I was destined to write it...whatever the reason, I really need an editor.
Lol. Nah, I'm good with love stories. That will be awesome, Anna.
Either that, or if you're more comfortable, why don't you send it over to me at: loojeremy@gmail.com ?
Thanks for offering your email address.At the very beginning she was different and this distinction set her apart from the other children...she had been born without legs. This special little girl’s name was Bernice Evelyn Smith, but she was affectionately known as “Jeanie”.
At the early age of three, Jeanie became a circus performer, which would be her life-long career. Soon she became quite popular.
In the place of the feet she never had, Jeanie made use of her hands which she became quite skillful and fast even though her arms were considerably twisted.
Mostly her act was made up of hand-stands and cart-wheels despite that her hands were deformed and completely twisted.
WORK ON THIS SENTENCE:
All the same when she was 13 years old and went to a fair in Paris, Texas, suddenly horrible news stuck...her mother had died. And so, she and her two brothers were sent to an orphanage but soon her luck changed because she was adopted by the age of 15 years old.
Lizzie Weeks was the name of the woman who adopted Jeanie nonetheless she was intellectually abused by her adopted mother and was often locked up between the various performances so that she wouldn’t be seen by anyone who hadn’t bought a ticket yet.
Nonetheless Jeanie was performing on the side-show circuit in the year of 1930’s and that was where she first met Aurelio who was as well-known by his nick-name “Al” Tomaini who was eight-foot and two inch giant from Long Branch, N.J.
At the time he wasn’t used to the carnival life-style when he met her for the very first time and he was additionally a circus performer and quite popular during the period of time of their meeting.
On February 25th 1912 Aurelio Tomaini was born to Santo Tomaini and Maria Bossone and he was one of their seven children but he was best known as “Al” and for his abnormal height however this soft-hearted giant found it rather hard to fit in the other young men because of his abnormal height that set him apart. By the age of 12, Al was already taller than his father who was six feet and one inch in height and his uncle that lived in Italy had an uncommon height problem and was quite renowned for his height and his parents soon figured why he had become so tall and quick and discovered that his pituitary gland, it was working over-time.
By the year of 1936, he spent most of his time as a circus giant and was currently working with a carnival in Great Lakes Expositions in Chicago and that was where he met his future wife, Jeanie Smith who was a circus performer and was two feet and six inches tall.
True love blossomed and unfolded between Jeanie and Al and in the year of 1936 they traveled to Cleveland, Ohio and on the date September 8th they were married and honey-mooned at Niagara Falls and soon became “The World’s Oddest Married Couple”.
In Gibsonton, Florida they settled down and built Giant’s Camp and there spent their time when they weren’t performing in various carnivals and this was where they raised their two adopted daughters.
And with their life savings, the Tomainis bought and donated an ambulance to their town. In addition, he served as a fire-chef and not only that but became “President of the Chamber of Commerce” and lent his huge hands in building their town’s community hall.
During all this time they became more and more close and imitate with each other and soon came to be inseparable and it was a quite common thing to spot Al prop Jeanie on his strong shoulder and showing how much he did love his pint-sized bride and not only by the way they acted in public but in their own private home as well.
Unlike most pituitary giants, he lived longer and was tolerated with much physical pain but he refused to show that he was in pain to family and friends. However in the end at the age of 50 years old, he died leaving his beloved Jeanie and their daughters behind.
After her beloved husband had passed away, Jeanie was able to continue with her life but never did remarry and was able to proceed to run the Giant’s Camp until she too passed away on August 10th, 1999 and was buried on the anniversary of Al’s death.
I'll deal with the issues one by one.Firstly, the sentence to be dealt with:
It was all the same, for when she was 13 years old and had gone to a fair in Paris, Texas, horrible news stuck suddenly; her mother had died. And so, {distraught and confused}, she and her two brothers were sent to an orphanage but her luck soon changed; she was adopted when she was 15 years old.
The curly braces are suggestions that you may want to place to make the story more interesting or at the least, make the sentence more meaningful.
1. Do you want me to work on the whole text in the same manner?
2. Do you want remarks on the overall tone of the story, as in how I feel the story is going and the (...uh, how do I put it?...) ambiance(?) of the story is?
I'll try to leave your writing style alone and focus on the grammar and phrasing if you so wish, so please advice.
Thanks.
Thanks so very much. I'm working on it so that it makes more sense.
I would love it if you work on the whole text in that manner...that would fine by me.
All "corrections" are in {} curly braces.At the very beginning she was different and this distinction set her apart from the other children...she had been born without legs. This special little girl’s name was Bernice Evelyn Smith, but she was affectionately known as “Jeanie”.
At the early age of three, Jeanie became a circus performer, which would be her life-long career.
CORRECTION HERE::
Soon{,} she became quite popular.
In the place of the feet she never had, Jeanie made
CORRECTION HERE::
use of her hands {with} which she became quite
YOU MIGHT WANT TO REVISE THE USAGE OF "FAST"
SUGGESTIONS ARE: ADEPT, PROFICIENT
skillful and fast even though her arms were considerably twisted.
CORRECTION HERE::
Mostly{,} her act was made up of hand-stands and cart-
CORRECTION HERE::
wheels despite {the fact} that her hands were deformed.
"and completely twisted" may sound repetitive at this point.
It was all the same, for when she was 13 years old and had gone to a fair in Paris, Texas, horrible news stuck suddenly; her mother had died. And so, {distraught and confused}, she and her two brothers were sent to an orphanage but her luck soon changed; she was adopted when she was 15 years old.
Lizzie Weeks was the name of the woman who adopted
CORRECTION HERE::
Jeanie{. Nonetheless,} she was intellectually abused
MIGHT WANT TO REVISE "INTELLECTUALLY"
SUGGESTIONS: PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY
by her adopted mother and was often locked up between the various performances so that she wouldn’t be seen by anyone who hadn’t bought a ticket yet.
MIGHT WANT TO HAVE A SYNONYM FOR NONETHELESS HERE
SUGGESTION: NEVERTHELESS
CORRECTION HERE::
Nonetheless{,} Jeanie was performing on the side-show
CORRECTION HERE::
EITHER "CIRCUIT IN THE YEAR 1930" OR "CIRCUIT IN THE 1930'S"
circuit in the year of 1930’s and that was where she
CORRECTION HERE::
first met Aurelio{,} who was as well-known by his
CORRECTION HERE::
nick-name “Al” Tomaini{, and} who was {an eight feet two} giant from Long Branch, N.J.
CORRECTION HERE::
{He wasn’t used to the carnival life-style when he met her for the very first time but he was also a circus performer and already quite popular at the time of their meeting.}
On February 25th{,} 1912 Aurelio Tomaini was born to Santo Tomaini and Maria Bossone and he was one of their seven children but he was best known as “Al” and {well-known} for his abnormal height{. However,} this soft-hearted giant found it rather hard to fit in {with} the other young men because of his {immense} height that set him apart. By the age of 12, Al was already taller than his father{,} who was six feet {one} in height and his uncle that lived in Italy{, who} had an uncommon height problem and was quite renowned for his height{. His} parents soon figured why he had become so tall and {quickly} discovered that his pituitary gland {had a problem;} it was working over-time.
MIGHT WANT TO REVISE THE ABOVE SENTENCE-->IT SOUNDS AS IF THE PARENTS WERE SCIENTISTS OR DOCTORS WHO "FIGURED OUT WHY". IT SHOULD BE THAT THEY "REALIZED THAT THERE WAS A PROBLEM".
By the year {"of" should be omitted} 1936, he spent most of his time as a circus giant and was {"currently" should be omitted} working with a carnival in Great Lakes Expositions in Chicago and that was where he met his future wife, Jeanie Smith who was a circus performer and was two feet {six} inches tall.
True love blossomed and unfolded between Jeanie and Al and in the year {"of" should be omitted} 1936 they traveled to Cleveland, Ohio{,} and on {"the date" should be omitted} September 8th they were married and honey-mooned at Niagara Falls and soon became “The World’s Oddest Married Couple”.
In Gibsonton, Florida{,} they settled down and built Giant’s Camp{. There they} spent their time when they weren’t performing in various carnivals and this was where they raised their two adopted daughters.
{With} their life savings, the Tomainis bought and donated an ambulance to their town. In addition, he served as a fire-chef and not only that but became “President of the Chamber of Commerce” and lent his huge hands in building their town’s community hall.
JUST A THOUGHT: WOULDN'T "HUGE HANDS" BE BETTER SUBSTITUTED BY "GREAT STRENGTH"?
During all this time they became {closer and closer and more and more} imitate with each other and soon came to be inseparable and it was a quite common thing to spot Al prop Jeanie on his strong shoulder and showing how much he did love his pint-sized bride and not only by the way they acted in public but in their own private home as well.
Unlike most pituitary giants, he lived longer and {endured much physical pain} but he refused to show {it} to {his} family and friends. However{,} in the end{,} at the age of 50{words omitted}, he died{,} leaving his beloved Jeanie and their daughters behind.
After her beloved husband had passed away, Jeanie was able to continue with her life but never did remarry and was able to {continue running} the Giant’s Camp until she too passed away on August 10th, 1999{,} and was buried on the anniversary of Al’s death.
NOTE:: SOME SENTENCES MAY FEEL TOO BULKY TO SOME PEOPLE (AHEM) DUE TO TOO MANY "AND"S IN A ROW.
My Gracious!! You have done a fabulous job! Please tell me is the story worth finishing and trying to have it published???
It's really too early to tell yet, but I definitely think so. As far as I can see, it has a very good beginning and has great potential. Although only the characters have been introduced, I can already relate to them. The development, climax and ending of the story is up to you and will, of course, determine whether it is successful or not in the end.
Jeremy wrote: "It's really too early to tell yet, but I definitely think so. As far as I can see, it has a very good beginning and has great potential. Although only the characters have been introduced, I can alr..."Thanks so very much Jeremy for this service!!! It really helps to have someone who knows how to do it correctly and properly but isn't really mean about the whole deal.
Looked at this service. Damn he does a good job
Thanks for the comments, guys. Greatly appreciated. XDD
I was wondering if you would be willing to take on two versions of at same story? One is about a decade old and the other written two years ago.Behind the Pyre- Original Format
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/3...
Behind the Pyre
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
Your help would be very VERY much appreciated.
Sure thing, Jessica. I'll look over them as soon as I can (over the weekend most likely).Thanks for coming. XD
When you read them, could you also give me you opinion on which seems the better approach?
I'm currently sitting for my trials, so I pray forgiveness as I'll not be available some time, Jess. Thanks for understanding.
Thanks.