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Iviana (The Sign Painter), Just cloak up and go.
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May 06, 2012 10:24AM
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Cameron: Funny.
Me: :3
So there's this squirrel fighting with a bird just outside my window and it looks hilarious. xD Oh, nature.
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The squirrels in my neighborhood are mean. o.o They throw acorns at us. ;n;
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Except for the fact that one stupid bird nested in our storm door (it has a little bowl-shape for plants that we never use on it) and now has to fly away from her eggs everytime we open it. xD
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I posted in Violet City, btw, if you hadn't seen 'cos I deleted something.
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OH. Okie.~
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I have to go. D: I'll bbl~
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Me: Does anyone want to proofread my English Short Story?
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Sorry, Van. My friend's over. :3
Me: Yay~ Thank you! I'm just going to casually copy-paste it.
I could feel the hot, air of the fire and smoke surround me. But how did a fire start in the first place? I tried to remember, but it was difficult. I started choking, when I realized that I was too scared to think clearly. However, one thing was able to get through. I needed air.
I ran past the open door of my bedroom. It was burning quickly, but I managed to dodge a flame as I grabbed my phone which was lying next to the door. I ran out, and dialed the Emergency Center.
I racked my mind, trying to figure out the details. I had simply knocked over a burning candle. But the fire couldn`t have spread that quickly, could it have? I doubted it. There must have been something else. I was feeling emotional, I recalled. I was reading a book—the final of my favourite trilogy. The ending had disappointed me so much; I must have gotten mad and created the fire. But was it possible? Had I somehow ended up with some sort of fire creating Superpower?
I scanned the burned-down house. No. Houses. Our neighbours’ house had also been burned down. What had I done?! Then I noticed the neighbour had escaped. Good. I didn`t need anyone hurt. He was mostly a black silhouette, so I couldn`t see his face. I had never spoken to him before either. But what was that in his hand? A dagger? I gulped as I turned on my heel and ran.
The next day, the neighbour seemed to follow me everywhere I went. At lunch, I sat down beside my best friend, Joshua, and told him what had happened. Josh was a nerd. He had bright blonde hair with blue eyes and braces, with a matching personality with a thirst to prove his knowledge.
“Hm,” Joshua said thoughtfully, as he brushed back his blonde locks. “I really don’t know what to tell you, Acton.”
I sighed as I looked up from my sandwich. “There he is! “ I yelped in alarm. I pointed a finger towards the mysterious finger.
“Where?!” Joshua exclaimed at his glanced where I had pointed, but he had disappeared. “I don’t see him anywhere.”
“Weird,” I murmured. “I swear I saw him. You believe me, right, Josh?” I had known Josh forever. We were 15 now, and I had met him in Year One, nine years ago. He’d always been there when I needed him—when the school bullies attacked us and tried taking our Pokémon Cards; when rumours were spread about us as quickly as wildfire. I’d been a good friend too, like that time his grandmother died in front of him. We’d been there for each other, and I was hoping it wasn’t about to end.
“Of course I do,” he said with a grin. “Have faith—we’ll figure this out. Along with your strange fire power. I promise. I suppose you couldn’t try to do it now?”
I shook my head, as my own dark hair moved. I explained to him how I suspected it only happened when I was emotional or in stress.
“Oh,” he said with disappointment. “Maybe today’s math exam will help?”
“I hope not,” I said with a nervous gulp.
In the math room, our teacher quickly passed out the exam. I scanned the questions—these were behind my understanding. What was I going to do? I was going to fail the test. I collected myself and tried to answer as many questions as I could. Once I was done with that, I looked at the blank questions that took up the majority of the test. To make matters worse, I could see the black figure of the neighbour—the one who was following me, who wanted to kill me—by the door of the classroom.
That’s when I felt myself heat up. Like what I had experienced the day before. Yet another fire. I looked at my hands, and I could swear that they were warmer than before. I touched my face and I yanked away. I had burned myself. Panicking, I got up and asked to go to the washroom.
I ran my hands in cold water and cleaned my face. I turned as the door opened and the neighbour entered. The same dagger I had seen yesterday was still in his hand, and he was still wearing a hood so I couldn’t see his face.
“What do you want?!” I screamed at him.
He didn’t say anything. He lifted the dagger and made a movement across his neck.
Dead.
He wanted me dead.
Terror flooded through me. I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. He made a move towards me, but I somehow managed to dodge it. I ran out of the washroom, and escaped from the school.
I could see him running after me. The streets were empty, as everyone was at work. The sky was dark; the clouds were clouding the sun. I ran into a nearby abandoned factory and shut the door behind me. But it wasn’t enough.
The neighbour broke through the window and climbed after me. Suddenly, he jumped on me. He was surprisingly light, about the same weight as I was. I ran backwards and slammed him against the wall. I felt a pain on my back as he fell off. Instantly, we began rolling. I tried pushing him away with my feet, but he dodged it instead. I reached out sideways and I grabbed a small, sharp object. A piece of glass. It wasn’t much, but it’ll have to do.
The neighbour whipped out his dagger and pressed it towards my neck. I could feel the sharp pain dig into my neck. I did the only think I could do—I brought the piece of glass and pushed it into his stomach.
A stabbing pain was at my stomach, but I managed to ignore it. “What are you?!” I screamed at him, as tears flooded from my eyes.
The neighbour’s hood fell off as he began laughing. It was as cold as ice and made me shiver. It began echoing, never ending.
The blue eyes I was staring at were the ones I recognized so well. They were my own.
I looked down at my stomach. The piece of glass that was in my hand just moments ago was pierced through my gut, blood streaming down. My T-Shirt was now well bloodied as it stuck to my skin.
I glanced back up at the neighbour. But he was gone.
That’s when I realized something. I was hallucinating the whole time. There was no fire power. There was no neighbour. It was just me and my crazy imagination.
My breath began to slow down. Each inhale and exhale was a pang of anguish aiming at my heart. All I could hear was the echo of my last laugh and the heavy beat of my dying heart.
Ba bum… ba bum… ba bum…
Ba… bum.
I could feel the hot, air of the fire and smoke surround me. But how did a fire start in the first place? I tried to remember, but it was difficult. I started choking, when I realized that I was too scared to think clearly. However, one thing was able to get through. I needed air.
I ran past the open door of my bedroom. It was burning quickly, but I managed to dodge a flame as I grabbed my phone which was lying next to the door. I ran out, and dialed the Emergency Center.
I racked my mind, trying to figure out the details. I had simply knocked over a burning candle. But the fire couldn`t have spread that quickly, could it have? I doubted it. There must have been something else. I was feeling emotional, I recalled. I was reading a book—the final of my favourite trilogy. The ending had disappointed me so much; I must have gotten mad and created the fire. But was it possible? Had I somehow ended up with some sort of fire creating Superpower?
I scanned the burned-down house. No. Houses. Our neighbours’ house had also been burned down. What had I done?! Then I noticed the neighbour had escaped. Good. I didn`t need anyone hurt. He was mostly a black silhouette, so I couldn`t see his face. I had never spoken to him before either. But what was that in his hand? A dagger? I gulped as I turned on my heel and ran.
The next day, the neighbour seemed to follow me everywhere I went. At lunch, I sat down beside my best friend, Joshua, and told him what had happened. Josh was a nerd. He had bright blonde hair with blue eyes and braces, with a matching personality with a thirst to prove his knowledge.
“Hm,” Joshua said thoughtfully, as he brushed back his blonde locks. “I really don’t know what to tell you, Acton.”
I sighed as I looked up from my sandwich. “There he is! “ I yelped in alarm. I pointed a finger towards the mysterious finger.
“Where?!” Joshua exclaimed at his glanced where I had pointed, but he had disappeared. “I don’t see him anywhere.”
“Weird,” I murmured. “I swear I saw him. You believe me, right, Josh?” I had known Josh forever. We were 15 now, and I had met him in Year One, nine years ago. He’d always been there when I needed him—when the school bullies attacked us and tried taking our Pokémon Cards; when rumours were spread about us as quickly as wildfire. I’d been a good friend too, like that time his grandmother died in front of him. We’d been there for each other, and I was hoping it wasn’t about to end.
“Of course I do,” he said with a grin. “Have faith—we’ll figure this out. Along with your strange fire power. I promise. I suppose you couldn’t try to do it now?”
I shook my head, as my own dark hair moved. I explained to him how I suspected it only happened when I was emotional or in stress.
“Oh,” he said with disappointment. “Maybe today’s math exam will help?”
“I hope not,” I said with a nervous gulp.
In the math room, our teacher quickly passed out the exam. I scanned the questions—these were behind my understanding. What was I going to do? I was going to fail the test. I collected myself and tried to answer as many questions as I could. Once I was done with that, I looked at the blank questions that took up the majority of the test. To make matters worse, I could see the black figure of the neighbour—the one who was following me, who wanted to kill me—by the door of the classroom.
That’s when I felt myself heat up. Like what I had experienced the day before. Yet another fire. I looked at my hands, and I could swear that they were warmer than before. I touched my face and I yanked away. I had burned myself. Panicking, I got up and asked to go to the washroom.
I ran my hands in cold water and cleaned my face. I turned as the door opened and the neighbour entered. The same dagger I had seen yesterday was still in his hand, and he was still wearing a hood so I couldn’t see his face.
“What do you want?!” I screamed at him.
He didn’t say anything. He lifted the dagger and made a movement across his neck.
Dead.
He wanted me dead.
Terror flooded through me. I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. He made a move towards me, but I somehow managed to dodge it. I ran out of the washroom, and escaped from the school.
I could see him running after me. The streets were empty, as everyone was at work. The sky was dark; the clouds were clouding the sun. I ran into a nearby abandoned factory and shut the door behind me. But it wasn’t enough.
The neighbour broke through the window and climbed after me. Suddenly, he jumped on me. He was surprisingly light, about the same weight as I was. I ran backwards and slammed him against the wall. I felt a pain on my back as he fell off. Instantly, we began rolling. I tried pushing him away with my feet, but he dodged it instead. I reached out sideways and I grabbed a small, sharp object. A piece of glass. It wasn’t much, but it’ll have to do.
The neighbour whipped out his dagger and pressed it towards my neck. I could feel the sharp pain dig into my neck. I did the only think I could do—I brought the piece of glass and pushed it into his stomach.
A stabbing pain was at my stomach, but I managed to ignore it. “What are you?!” I screamed at him, as tears flooded from my eyes.
The neighbour’s hood fell off as he began laughing. It was as cold as ice and made me shiver. It began echoing, never ending.
The blue eyes I was staring at were the ones I recognized so well. They were my own.
I looked down at my stomach. The piece of glass that was in my hand just moments ago was pierced through my gut, blood streaming down. My T-Shirt was now well bloodied as it stuck to my skin.
I glanced back up at the neighbour. But he was gone.
That’s when I realized something. I was hallucinating the whole time. There was no fire power. There was no neighbour. It was just me and my crazy imagination.
My breath began to slow down. Each inhale and exhale was a pang of anguish aiming at my heart. All I could hear was the echo of my last laugh and the heavy beat of my dying heart.
Ba bum… ba bum… ba bum…
Ba… bum.
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Firstly, there are a lot of unecessary capitalizations (t-shirt, superpower). Also, instead of using `, apostrophes ’ are correct.
There's a lot of telling of what's happening instead of showing. That's the problem with first person writing in general--there's a lot of room to say "I saw," which is telling, vs. "there was," which is showing. Also, it's important to remember to keep your character sounding real. "I racked my head" vs. "I racked my mind." Head sounds more like what a normal person would say.
When you wrote about the protagonist looking out the window, there's a bit of confusion when it says, "No. Houses." I'd reword it.
When you start talking about Josh, I'd use his nickname rather than his whole name (Imagine describing your friend. You wouldn't say "This I my friend, Joshua. He goes by Josh." you'd just say "This is my friend, Josh.") and also more pronouns, as it gets redundant when you repeat his name over and over.
Also, avoid adverbs at all costs. "he said" is fine on its own. No need for "with disappointment" or anything else (disappointedly would sound less awkward). Trust your reader to determine how the character will sound.)
I think that covers it. I like the plot, now to take it once step further.
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IVI SHERLOCK RECORDED AND I SAW THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES. But then I had to do laundry and stuff. xD
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OH GOD YES
Iviana (The Sign Painter) wrote: "Me: sorry it took so long, Frege. Got called away.
Firstly, there are a lot of unecessary capitalizations (t-shirt, superpower). Also, instead of using `, apostrophes ’ are correct.
There's a lo..."
Me: Thanks, Ivi! I'll definitely correct those.
Firstly, there are a lot of unecessary capitalizations (t-shirt, superpower). Also, instead of using `, apostrophes ’ are correct.
There's a lo..."
Me: Thanks, Ivi! I'll definitely correct those.
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Sadly, this is my second to last Short Story class. :[
Me: That sucks. I signed up for a week alone at great books. Or with my brother, but not with any friends.
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Me: I didn't want to. But my mom was complaining that I'm not doing enough things this summer so I kinda decided that I will enjoy two weeks if its in a different order (ie. I'm somewhat bored the first week than really happy the second week).I subscribbed to r/GetMotivated. Hopefully my life will get more awesome shortly.
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Me: I'll look into it.Ugh, I'm nearing rant point. I know I say that a lot, but this time I'm probably going to need to.
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Me: Give me a sec. I'm nearly at the edge.
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Me: I'd give it maybe a few more minutes. And then I'll explode.
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Me: Oh god. Which rant should I post at? CAD or HL?
