Me: This is Where it All Starts

[Faith Noelle]

Hey guys, I'm Faith. For me, writing all started with my dad's poetry book, I would read some write it all down then add my own twist. Then, I got into writing stories and short books. I'm posting here: Poems, short stories, W.I.P's. Hope ya'll like.

That was just a bit about how my writing came to be. Now, onto the good stuff! :D

**Comment's and thoughts are accepted

[Faith Noelle]

W.I.P. (Work in progress)

Elizabeth Grace Newton was born to the parents of Trent and Jessica Newton on March 22nd, 2002 in Jacksonville, FL. "She is a perfect little angel," said Jessica, the proud mother. Everything seemed okay with Lizzie, she was hitting milestones and gaining weight just like she was supposed to.
When she turned nine though, everything changed. Lizzie would have random outbursts; she would throw things, hit people, claw at her arm with her nails, and scream, then after about 10 minutes they would stop. Her parents just thought it was her growing up and getting older, then after a few months the outbursts got worse. During one of these "outbursts" Lizzie would try and hurt herself, her parents would have to hold he down till it was over so she would hurt herself or her family. Her parents finally took Lizzie to her doctor and after running many tests the doctor die Lizzie with moderate bipolar disorder and psychopathy. The doctor gave Lizzie’s parents a prescription for some medicine that Lizzie was to take every day.
The pills worked for a while. Lizzie’s mom or dad would give her two pills; one before they left in the morning and one at night. Everything was turning around. Lizzie didn’t act out as much, she started to get better, and so did her parent’s until Lizzie started to refuse to take her pills. Her parents told her she had to but she still wouldn’t listen to them. They tried hiding them in her food-- that failed. Lizzie stated having outburst again and they was no way to control them now. Her outbursts started to worsen. One day it got so bad she took a knife from her mom’s kitchen and threatens to kill herself with it while they were asleep. Her parents knew what they had to do so they took her to St. Peter's Asylum. The day they were to drop her off she asked her mom “Why, Mommy? Why are you bringing me here? I didn’t so anything wrong, did I?” she asked. Her mom would answer, “This nice place is going to help you get better, then you can come back with us. I love you sweetie.”
As Lizzie was being taken away by the nurse she whispered to her mommy, “I love you, but you and Daddy will pay for this…” Lizzie’s parents walked away in tears. Having to leave their little girl in an asylum is heartbreaking, but they knew it was for the best.
“Lizzie, we are going to show you around the hospital and you are going to meet some nice people who will help you get better, okay?”
“I want to see Mommy.” Lizzie says back.
“I know sweetie, you will once you’re better.” The nurse said. The nurse took Lizzie hand and led her into a room with a lot of machines and a doctor standing in front of a recent MRI, looking puzzled. “Doctor Chang, this is one of our newest patient, her name is Lizzie.”
“Oh, well hello there, Lizzie. How are you today?” asked Doctor Chang.
“Bad. I don’t want to be here.” Lizzie spat out.
“I know but me and the other doctors are going to help you get better.” Chang reply’s in a sweet voice. “Why don’t you hop up on this bed here so I can take a look at your brain?” asked Chang.
“No.” Lizzie said flatly, holding Leo tightly.

[Faith Noelle]

Murderer

I am running. From what? Away from him and away from the memories; I don’t dare look back. I am the survivor, and he, my enemy. I am Kelly Jenson, fourteen years old. I am running from the man who killed my father.
He was only thirty-two, too young to die. I have no other family now, just me; I know I can’t stop. I know that if I do he will kill me as well. He kills out of fear and my mother taught me to never show fear, mask it. That’s how you'll escape.
I don’t know where to go; I just know that if I keep running, I will be safe. I finally take a rest at the end of a hollow tree. I hear the crackling of leaves under the shoes of him. Looks like time to bolt. Now is the time to hide my fears because he's getting close. I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks; I know now is not the time so I wipe them away quickly. I hear the words in my head, 'Mask your fears and you'll be fine.' repeating themselves over and over. I hear a wisp of wind from the bullet that just flew past me. Now I know he's armed! Yikes. I start sprinting though the forest; I feel my heart trying to beating against my chest but all I can do is not ever look back and keep running. Branches and thorns are cutting me everywhere, but I can’t worry about that now. Just mask my fear and run.

[Faith Noelle]

Part 1
I lay in my bed not knowing what to do next. Not knowing where to go who to turn to. I just got the worst news of my life; my brother and mother have been killed in Iraq. No dad he died when I was 8 years old. I am 16 years old now no family no one to talk to, to cry with. As I lay in my bed tears coming out of my eyes in buckets I think now what?

I am Amber Leg; I am sixteen my mom and brother have just been killed by a bomb in Iraq. I have no one left: any family, no place to go. I lay in my bed looking up thinking, I can’t do this I can’t live here I can’t go on I must die and do it soon.

I lay awake all night thinking of my now dead family and how I should kill myself the next day. I have school tomorrow so it must be after that. Then I will find a place where I was happiest and kill myself there. The next day I walk into school on ones talks to me only the teachers asking little to no questions at all. I take very little notes do very little at all today because I know what I must do after words. However, I do go to my best friend for 14 years May. She has herd what has happened to me and is willing to do anything for me now but I don’t accept. I don’t know if I should tell her my plans about latter or not afraid she will try to stop me. It’s now the end of the day I don’t take I ride home with May I don’t take the bus I just walk the 5 miles walk home.

When I get home I throw my stuff onto the ground not caring where it lands. I run up to my room and lock the door. I grab my computer and turn it on and go to my Facebook page. I am posting the last video be I die. I upload the video close my laptop and go to the bathroom and lock the door this will be the last thing I touch before I die. I open the medicine cabinet and grab I bottle of pills not caring what they are.

Part 2

I walk up to the door and unlock it. My dog Cowgirl comes to meet me. "Mom I am home" I say. "Hi! May how was your day? My mother asks. "Fine" I reply. I grab my laptop and go to my Facebook page. I see that Amber has posted a new video. Problem something dumb but funny at the same time I think to myself. I click it. I am horrified at what she is saying tears are running down my face. I shut the computer grab my keys and run to the car not giving my mom any time to react.

When I get to Amber's house I bang on the door as hard as I can. No answer. I run to the back door its open. I run in side. "Amber! Amber!" I call no answer. I am now crying and running up the stairs. I look in her room. She’s not there. I see the bathroom door is shut. "No!" I cry this can’t be true. I push on the door and am able to get it open. There I see Amber. On the floor passed out I scream "AMBER!!!" till my lugs hurt. I dial 911.
”911 what’s your emergency? “
“My friend she dead! There’s a bottle of pill on the floor I don’t know how many she took or what she took they are just lying there. HELP!” I scream into the phone.
"Miss, I need you to calm down. Where are you now?" The lady on the other line says.
"499 rose dr."(Not a real address) "Hurry!" I yell.
“Miss there is an ambulance on the way stay right there. They get here in less than 5 minutes. “
"I am in here!" I yell. They run in with a gurney and some other tools. I am pushed out of the way but stay right there holding her hand hoping her not dead. The medics are saying something but I don’t care to listen.
"We need to get her to the hospital NOW!" one says to the other. They lift it up and carry her to the ambulance. "Miss is there any family we can call?" I finally notice they are talking to me.
"No they all are dead. I say. "I can come. I say hoping they will let me. "Fine." they say. I get in still holding Ambers hand.

We arrive at the hospital and there’s a whole team of doctors and nurses waiting to take her way, to try to save her life. The doctors are asking me all these questions like what type of pills are they? Where did she get them?
I don’t know I keep saying I just found her on the floor passed out. "Just SAVE HER!" I scream. When I awake I am in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm. "W-what happened I ask?" "You passed of one of the nurses said
”Where’s, where’s Amber?" I try to get up but she’s stops me. "Where is she I demanded?!"
"She is in surgery right now." Says the nurse.

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

One important comment for now: apostrophes. An apostrophe (') is used when in a contraction or to denote possession (ie: can't, won't, the cat's mouse, the dog's bone), not to make a word plural (ie: five frogs, four lizards, two bell towers) or to form the third-person conjugation of a verb (ie: he walks, she talks, Henry says).

My dogs bone is so tasty, he want's to bury it with the other's.
My dog's bone is so tasty, he wants to bury it with the others.

Harrys friend's dont like his many pair's of sock's.
Harry's friends don't like his many pairs of socks.

[Faith Noelle]

Okay, thanks

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

>.<
...
...
...
*thanks

[Rudy]

Lol Mag.

[Faith Noelle]

So what did ya'll think? Did I do bad?

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

Faith wrote: "So what did ya'll think? Did I do bad?"

To answer this question specifically: yes and no. You did bad in the sense that any English teacher would cringe in reading all the grammatical mistakes, but you did fantastically in just putting your work out there. It takes guts to expose yourself like that, to let everyone see it and say "judge me!" Keep going, Faith, because I know you've got a lot of great ideas in that head of yours, and you just need to let them out!

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

Your ideas are there, Faith, no doubt about it. If you want criticism, I'll break it down into parts. If you don't, there's no need to read any further. I will tell you, though, right off the bat--I think your second story, "Murderer" has the most promise. Read more below:

Overall:

Firstly, you need to label your headings better. I thought all three were about the same person, and that didn't make any sense. In the future, differentiate between the start of a new chapter, and the start of an entirely new story.

WIP:

This is a really confusing excerpt to read. You keep switching between past tense and present tense, so I get no sense of timeline. Your grammar needs a lot of work, and the one jarring flaw in the story is the whole bipolar thing. Research bipolar disorder before writing something like this--don't go just on social stigmas. Bipolar people generally don't have wild attacks and violence, unless there's another disorder in there. "Bipolar" is actually describing someone with depressive states and manic states, or hallucinations, delusions of grandeur, euphoria, and elevated consciousness. Please, I ask you to research fully whatever medical issues you put into your stories. I had to ask Wikipedia, Google, and finally a doctor (my dad) for my story "The Man in the Green Beret" to know just exactly how people die when you "pull the plug," and that was an itsy bitsy paragraph in my story. If I put that much effort into researching that tiny bit, then you need to put more into researching the specifics of a disorder, okay?

Murderer:

This one is better, with fewer mistakes in grammar and tense-switching. Still needs work, but it's honestly more gripping and realistic than the first. You've got some great imagery going there, and I already sympathize with your character, even though you've only got a couple hundred words down. I really want to see more of this one, Faith! It seems like an excellent start, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Out of these three stories, I like this one the most. Keep up the good work.

Part 1, Part 2:

First off, this is 'part one' of what? Think of a title, any title. Even "Untitled Work" is better than nothing! I've had to do that on several occasions, if only to clarify things a bit. This bit is okay, but honestly, we know "499 Rose Drive" isn't a real address. It might exist, but you don't have to tell us that you made it up.

Again with the medical stuff. Ask around, read some books, do some research--heck, even ask me, if need be. I have good sources (dad's a doctor, mom's a nurse) so I can always help with your questions. If someone overdosed on pills, chances are they're not going to take her into surgery. They're going to try to flush her body with fluids to get it out, like they'd do with poison, put her on life support, and pray. What would they operate on? They can't very well cut open her stomach and scoop out half-digested pills--that really would kill her, to get the stomach acid all over the inside of her body. Again, I can't stress it enough: research.

Overall, again:

After reading through, these are just basic things to fix. I'm not going to even touch on the need for formal paragraphs, fixing up grammar, and working the storyline. These things need to be fixed first before you work on content, okay? Really, you've got some nuggets of really great stuff in there, but it's sort of buried under grammatical errors and glaring mistakes. If you really want your work to shine, you've got to work on it! Other than that, I hope you take at least some of this advice to heart and keep going--don't give up, okay? I know this might seem harsh, but sometimes people need harsh criticism, and I think you're one of those people. You've got a great couple of stories there, so don't be put off by all the things I've said. Just keep writing.

~Magdalena.

[Faith Noelle]

Magy,
I know alot of what you said is true and that I need to wrok on it which I am in the process of doing but, you were talking to like I was in 4th grade. I mean, I am not stupid I know what grammar is and al;l that I just don't use it well.
-Faith

[Rudy]

Mag doesn't consider you stupid, I'm telling you right off the bat.

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

Faith-

If I came off as condescending, I'm truly sorry. I try not to be mean or anything when I give advice. I'm just letting you know what you need to work on, to improve your skills as a writer. If you'll notice, I warned your that what I wrote was going to be a lot of criticism, which you were free to ignore. Like I said, you've got some really good ideas in there, and you did ask (in a way) for help. Sometimes constructive criticism can be taken as malicious intent, but I assure you I didn't mean to look down my nose at you (figuratively, of course ;D). Again, I'm sorry if you think I'm treating you like a fourth grader.

~Magdalena

[Iviana (The Sign Painter)]

(There's an unnecessary apostrophe in the title)

It's better to have feedback like thT than just having people say that it was good or okay. Maggie's telling you the pros and cons of your writing so you can improve.

[Faith Noelle]

Ya'll are right, I didn't mean to start anything just want my voice to be herd, has a writter my sister(Hope) alway's gets all the spot light, I'm just trying to put my stuff out there so many people think I am amazing, have promise, just rying to get more people to see that.

[Faith Noelle]

Screaming(WIP)

Down below me you can hear my parents fighting again. As usually my dad comes home dunk. My mom is yelling at him the only thing you can here over her loud screams is the shatter of glass plate hitting the window. My dad’s yelling back at her this usually goes on for hours at a time and the only thing I can do is stay out of it. I want to go down there and say if you guys really loved me you wouldn’t fight for once!! Instead I craw under my covers and try to get some rest I have school tomorrow. The next day comes and goes all I do is come home to either my mom yelling or my dad sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand. Are family never talk only argues or if we do talk it’s me saying hi how was your day with no response form my parents.
My name is Emma West and I am 13 years old I live here Manhattan, New York with my mom Julie and my dad Mark and my 1 year old beagle mix scruffy. It’s raining now but my parent don’t care all they want to do is argue.

NOTE: I know there is mistake's, I haven't edited it yet. :D

[Faith Noelle]

I'm disabled

I’m Faith, and I was born at 26 week’s early and I’m different, you just don’t see it on the outside, and it’s the inside that matters. By different, I mean… I’m disabled. I might not look it on the outside but, I am and I have the doctor records to prove it. I have CP which mean’s I have Cerebral Palsy. No, you can’t “catch it” from me or from a other person with CP, it just means that my muscles on the right side of my body are effected to where it’s harder for me to use the right side rather than my left, I can still use those muscles it’s just like I said before, a lot harder . I also have R.O.P thankfully I didn’t have retinal detachment in both eye’s but do in one so, I’m legally blind in one eye it still doesn’t stop me from following my dreams, I still go to public school and I also have a job, and play the Viola. Being a disabled kid and being a teen (13) is hard, watching the other’s make fun of you not and not really abled to stop it. That’s why I’m thankful for everyone who understands how hard it is, I mean having a doctor’s appoint every month, and going to PT (Physical thairipie) I just wish more kids knew what it feels like to be disabled. Sometimes I really do wish I wasn’t and could be normal like all my friend’s but then I remember god made me this way, he knows I can get through it. I am wrote this to open the eyes of other’s to show them what it’s like and how it feels. Questions?

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

My friend has ROP in her family, and she's liable to get a full detachment later on in her life, so I guess I can sympathize. And it's good to know there're fellow violists out there! :)

[Faith Noelle]

You play the Viola too? :D In other words, you liked it?

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

Yes, this one spoke from the heart. Straightforward, honest, to the point, and interesting. And yes, violas are the best.

[Faith Noelle]

Thank you, thank you very much. AH! I finally know someone who plays the viola! :D So, this style of writing fits me?

[Faith Noelle]

Magdalena (Maggie) wrote: "Yes, this one spoke from the heart. Straightforward, honest, to the point, and interesting. And yes, violas are the best."

Ah, now I have a million question's for you.

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

I think it's better to go with something you can relate to.

[Faith Noelle]

Yeah, I guess your right.

[Maggie, All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe]

Glad to help. The more you can feel for your character, the more you feel as if you can talk to her, the more realistic it is.

[Faith Noelle]

Thanks.

[Faith Noelle]

Wreckage.

Speeding, into the horizan.
Dreaming of the siren's, wishing for her broken glass
on the highway,it could be so easy.
The rhythm, rhythm of an engine alway's makes me empty.
I see the headlights coming at me, I can't help but wonder...
Flying.
Flying in slow motion, wind though my hair and ripping though the scenery, *pause* oh, the wreckage, it is my secert neeed.