Amanda's Informal Book Club discussion
If I Stay
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Pre-Reading Questions
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4)Is it possible to love someone, yet walk away from a relationship? Ohhhh. I've done this twice in my life. Once in my teens and once in my 20s. I loved both guys very much but you get to a point where you can't take anymore lying/cheating/abuse (no, I wasn't abused, just using it as example)/*insert choice words here* It took a lot of strength to walk away from those relationships, but I owe it to my mother for instilling the "I am woman, hear me roar" attitude in me, and I had to slap myself around a few times and ask "WTF are you doing, Smash?" In the end, I realized I deserved better. And I had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I finally did obtain "better." Those experiences made me really appreciate being treated appropriately by my S.O. ;)5)What coping skills help us deal with personal tragedy? I think this varies for each person. Some people develop appropriate coping skills, such as seeking personal support, while others are better at using defense mechanisms, such as denial and avoidance. Trauma can induce PTSD in some, where they relive the tragedy in various ways, as their system is always on high alert. Trauma can show in psychosomatic symptoms, which means your stress/trauma manifests via headaches, stomachaches, appetite changes, exhaustion, etc. Most importantly, it's important to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Grieving is normal and needed but it becomes an issue when it starts to impair functioning. That is when you need to reach out to someone trained to guide you through it. I am not sure I even answered the question, but that's my professional 2 cents.
I agree with you on #4, Ash. Loving someone and being in a relationship with them are different things, though obviously there is overlap between them. Our hearts don't think with logic. We can love people that don't treat us well, and though it pains us to walk away, sometimes we're better off for it in the end.Smash wrote: "4)Is it possible to love someone, yet walk away from a relationship? Ohhhh. I've done this twice in my life. Once in my teens and once in my 20s. I loved both guys very much but you get to a point ..."
3) I am a strong believer that our choices can and do define where we end up (our destinies?). Granted, not everything in life can be controlled. Sometimes things happen to us that we have no control over - but we have control over how to deal with what happens. So, while we may not have complete control over our destiny, we are in complete control of how we view and accept our destiny.
Amanda wrote: "3) I am a strong believer that our choices can and do define where we end up (our destinies?). Granted, not everything in life can be controlled. Sometimes things happen to us that we have no con..."Amen. We cannot control all that life throws at us, but we can control our reactions. I tell me clients this every day. It takes lots of practice and self-exploration, but it can be done!
Ash, have you read The Epictetus Club by Jeff Traylor? I had to read the book for a college class once, but I really liked it. One of the things I took away from it was: you have to separate the things in your life into what you can control and what you can't. If you can control it, change it. If you can't control with it, let it go (or, deal with it, essentially).
Amanda wrote: "Ash, have you read The Epictetus Club by Jeff Traylor? I had to read the book for a college class once, but I really liked it. One of the things I took away from it was: you have to separate the ..."I haven't even heard of the book. I will have to check it out. :)
If you can't find it, let me know. I still have my copy and would be happy to lend it to you. It's a pretty short read (about 150 pages).Smash wrote: "Amanda wrote: "Ash, have you read The Epictetus Club by Jeff Traylor? I had to read the book for a college class once, but I really liked it. One of the things I took away from it was: you have t..."
1) I remember when I finished high school and moved across the country to go to college. I felt like the world was my oyster and I was excited to venture out on my own and take advantage of that.Two times when I felt powerless come to mind. When my dad died I was 17. He was my emotional and financial support. I just didn't understand how I would be able to function through life without him. The other time was when my husband left me when I was pregnant and have a one and a half year old. I remember feeling so alone in the world. Especially because I had my baby daughter relying on me and I just didn't know how to function any more.
3) I believe in the power of thinking positively. I think it is important to stay in a good mindset when bad things happen. I am not sure if we find the path we were supposed to find in life or if we make our own, but either way I know I want it to be fun and happy.Like Amanda said, we have the choice of how we deal with what happens in our life. I try to be a kind and caring person and not hold grudges. So people think this makes me weak, but I think it is a sign of strength. (Not that I want to toot my own horn.)
4) The time after my husband left were really hard. All I wanted was for him to come back. It wasn't until I decided I HAD to make it on my own that he decided he did want to come back. The experiences I had with him were so formative to my understanding of love and how loving and living are completely different things. Especially as a parent, my happiness is the most important thing in the world. I can't be with someone who makes me unhappy because that inhibits my ability to parent the way I need to.
I think caring for my kids makes this a much easier choice than it was when I was younger (or dealing with their father.)
5) We all do have different ways of coping. Once I read a book on depression and it suggested that you acknowledge and feel your negative emotions fully just so that you can move away from them. Ever since I did this and stopped denying how I feel I have been able to get past so many hurdles that were roadblocks before.Having people who support you, whether family, friends, neighbors, or people online is extremely important. But I also try to remember to not lean on these people too much. If I am always asking them to hold me up how am I going to stand on my own?
2) Describe a situation when you gave up something in your life. Why did you do it? How did giving it up make you feel?
3)How much control do we have over our own destiny?
4)Is it possible to love someone, yet walk away from a relationship?
5)What coping skills help us deal with personal tragedy?