It Came From the Internet

[[deleted user]]

Sadly all that stuff was edited out of the Bible at an early stage, along with the original reading of some of the commandments, e.g. 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass, at least not while thy neighbour's husband is around.'

[[deleted user]]

Someone has shared this to my Facebook page:

"During this heat wave please remember to dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had."

That's me in a floor-length raincoat for the rest of the summer, then.

[Melki]

R. wrote, "But a drunk Jesus would be pretty wild.

It could breathe some life into the WWJD? bracelet industry. They can add another D for What Would Jesus Do Drunk?

[Melki]

Chris wrote, "During this heat wave please remember to dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had."

I've seen some pretty huge people wearing some pretty skimpy, tattoo-revealing outfits lately. I'm not sure why. When I go out in public in the summer, I tend to wear jeans and long sleeves as the air-conditioning is cranked to a chilling 50 degrees in grocery stores and restaurants.

[[deleted user]]

Melki wrote: They can add another D for What Would Jesus Do Drunk?

If you can walk on water without falling in, you're not drunk.

[[deleted user]]

Melki wrote: I've seen some pretty huge people wearing some pretty skimpy, tattoo-revealing outfits lately.

I have an unreasoning hatred of tattoos. Nothing turns me off an attractive woman so much as seeing that she's tattooed. In fact that may be why so many women where I live have tattoos - to keep me at bay.

[Hazel]

Chris wrote: "Melki wrote: They can add another D for What Would Jesus Do Drunk?

If you can walk on water without falling in, you're not drunk."

no, you're high ;P

[[deleted user]]

Hi Hazel. Nice to talk to you again.

[[deleted user]]

Melki wrote: the air-conditioning is cranked to a chilling 50 degrees in grocery stores and restaurants.

My local supermarket has switched off the light in the vegetarian frozen food cabinet. I can only assume that they think vegetarians eat more carrots than meat-eaters, and can see better in the dark.

[Melki]

Maybe its the only way they can unload that past-its-expiration-date tofu.

[[deleted user]]

Melki wrote:
It could breathe some life into the WWJD? bracelet industry. They can add another D for What Would Jesus Do Drunk?"

You could mix that with the "wear clothes for the body you have" statement and make a "What Would Jesus Wear?" bracelet.

[[deleted user]]

Here's a partial answer to that question.

[[deleted user]]

Favourite hot weather post today:

"Why is it ok for men to walk around topless and not women? You may say 'that's obvious!' But I have you know I spotted at least seven men with bigger boobs than me and I'm a D-cup. Maybe I should ask them if they want to borrow my bras."
(Yahoo news)

[[deleted user]]

Just seen a book advertised here on GR which looked like - er - not quite my cup of tea, so somewhat perversely I followed the link to Amazon and was rewarded with the following precis:

The Breeding Slaves of Kor Erotica BDSM Series is the first installment in a graphic sexual journey of one woman's transformation from powerful countess to a helpless sex slave in a fantasy setting. It contains graphic violence and is only suitable for adult readers.

Countess Phoena makes a single, horrible mistake in allowing her Koric slave to lead her into the foothills of his home country in search of the mythical snowcats. She never suspected her childhood friend to have planned an ambush by enemy Kors—and her brutal capture. Now, hundreds of miles inside the Koric border, this sheltered noblewoman is forced to accept Ryan’s seed as his brood-slave or face the depraved carnal lusts of his barbarian countrymen.

I'd really like to see this done by the Muppets, with Miss Piggy as Countess Phoena and Kermit as Ryan.

[Melki]

As long as these guys are in it -



I'll see it!

[[deleted user]]

Fine, as long as they sing. I see it as a musical, featuring such hit numbers as 'I'm a Barbarian Brood-Slave', 'Carnal Lusts are Here Again', and 'There's No Seed like Ryan's Seed.' We could call it 'The Muppet BDSM Movie', and schedule it for Christmas.

[Melki]

With a cast this colorful, there really needs to be an orgy scene set to the tune of Rainbow Connection.

[[deleted user]]

It's so hard to find just the right card for the occasion...

[Melki]

Now you can own your own Circumcision training kit:

http://boingboing.net/2013/08/09/circ...

Could be the start of an exciting new hobby.

They also sell jars of artificial ear wax, but I really can't think of a practical application for that.

[[deleted user]]

Until reading this I'd never heard of the frenulum, meatus, and coronal groove. I Googled 'frenulum' and found myself reading about the possibility of getting a torn one, which made me go all funny. I think I may have to lie down for a while.

As a vegetarian, I feel it is inappropriate for me to have a meatus. I prefer to call it a blowhole.

[Melki]

I, too, was unacquainted with those terms. "Blowhole" seems preferable, and has the added bonus of implying great size.

[[deleted user]]

And having a whale of a time.

[Rebecca]

I think I would prefer to remain unfamiliar with those terms.

[[deleted user]]

Yes, apologies for the currently X-rated content of this thread. Perhaps we should talk about bunny rabbits. (No, on second thoughts, they live pretty X-rated lives too.)

[Rebecca]

Maybe banana slugs? Their sex lives are pretty slow.

[[deleted user]]

Excellent picture I nicked from someone's GR profile page...

[Melki]

LIKE!

[Rebecca]

I'll have to show my kids. I'm pretty sure they wonder what those things on the back of the bathroom door are . . .

[Mathew]

Sad, but, true.

[Melki]

In case you were wondering...Amazon DOES sell caskets!

And they even have customer reviews.

*** Didn't hold up well. September 8, 2012

By Dylan

Durability: 1.0 out of 5 stars Educational: 3.0 out of 5 stars Fun: 5.0 out of 5 stars


I was buried for only 4 months and this thing just fell apart, I got covered in dirt! when I woke up I had to call my buddy to dig me up and put me in a new coffin... what a waste.

[[deleted user]]

Nice to know that Amazon doesn't discriminate against the undead, when so many other people do.

[Rebecca]

LOL! Costco sells them too. On the way out, near the exit. I always wonder if they are for those who died while waiting in line.

[Mathew]

I'm planning on making my own, out of good quality wood, not the cheap plywood kind.

[[deleted user]]

There's nothing more depressing than being buried in a cheap coffin.

[Melki]

I find the thought of being buried in any coffin rather depressing.

[[deleted user]]

Personally I favour natural excarnation, but they don't allow that any more, at least not in the UK.

[[deleted user]]

Being divine, of course, he can do this for ever...

[Rebecca]

Chris wrote: "Personally I favour natural excarnation, but they don't allow that any more, at least not in the UK."

Yeah, I always wanted to be put in the compost.

[Mathew]

I heard a story on the radio a few years ago about burial at sea. Apparently it is being promoted as the most environmentally friendly way to go - no coffin, you provide food to fish, your cannonball that weighs you down provides homes for crabs and such on the bottom of the ocean.
Neat eh?

[[deleted user]]

I think this is just a marketing stunt dreamed up by the cannonball industry, which hasn't been doing too well lately.

[[deleted user]]

[Melki]

Great! It usually helps to have a sense of humour in the workplace.

That reminds me of some of those funny auto insurance claims I used to read:

- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

And my favorite -

- I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.

[[deleted user]]

[[deleted user]]

I ought to be doing something useful, but how can I when people keep sending me stuff like this?

[Melki]

A friend sent me this. It's being attributed to John Cleese, but who knows...it could be like Vonnegut's "famous" commencement address that he NEVER made...

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

[Rebecca]

Pretty funny! Nothing like few stereotypes to get a laugh.

Glad our US President dodged the stereotype a bit and decided to act as though we are a democracy, at least for a few days (and I'm a supporter!).

[[deleted user]]

Nice to see that John still manages to live in the world of the 1940s, where he's most at home.

[Melki]

[Rebecca]

Melki wrote: ""

Only if your name is Mort.

[[deleted user]]

The first sign means 'Man with bayonet through stomach on track'. The second means 'Hot nude man tiptoeing along platform'. These things happen all the time in Paris.