I am only 32 and I don't consider myself a barren old maid, but my aunt does!!!

[[deleted user]]

First I attended a staff bridal shower and my co-worker-with-no-couth told me to just think: "it could be you someday," and then when I rolled my eyes because she was stupid, she said, "oh you're fine! I didn't get married until I was 31." I know I'm fine!!! I wasn't rolling my eyes because I don't think I have any chances of bagging a mate. I was rolling my eyes because of your stupid and cliche' comment.

Then I went on vacation and my aunt, reflecting on how a friend of the family was going to be a new grandparent, glared at me. I said, "Should I get a husband first?!" and she said, "I don't know at this rate!"

I'm only 32!!! Should I be worried, Haters?! Wait, don't answer that.

Then she approvingly commented on how much weight I've lost and wanted to know how. Not wanting to lie and say diet and working out, and not wanting to tell the truth and say anxiety and depression, I just shrugged. This made her worried that I had a thyroid or glandular problem and she stared at my neck for hours looking for a goiter.

I have no goiter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geesh. I'm NOT a feminist, but the world keeps trying to make me one.

I'm FINE!!!!!!!!!!!
edit: totally fine. even the anxiety and depression is gone. i fully expect the weight to come back any second.

[[deleted user]]

Seriously. I completely want kids, I just don't appreciate people pestering me about them as if my life has no value until I have them. Or a man.

And it's not like I've been single very much in my adulthood. I haven't. I just haven't made the best choices. Truthfully, I'm glad I didn't make "those" choices in my 20s.

It's like I'm sitting there, not feeling pathetic at all, and then they come along and make me feel pathetic by showing me how obviously pathetic they think I am.

[[deleted user]]

Damn! I forgot to get a Simon, Tomas and a Dirk!

I'll be right back.

[Malbadeen]

Sarah it's not personal. People are dorks and they can't help but ask: "what next"?! "what next"?! "what next"?!

if your dating, "when are you going to get married"?

if your married, "when are you going to have kids"?

when you have a kid, "when are you going to have another"?

when you get a career, "when are you going to retire"?

the only thing left is, "when are you going to die"?
(and maybe, when are you going to get divorced?)

[Lori]

Pffft. That's what our older female relatives do.

Jesus, Sarah you are only 32, take your time.

[Tracy]

wait wait wait, what's wrong with being a feminist sarah?

[[deleted user]]

Nothing, Tracy, of course. It's just not a focus of mine. It doesn't really reflect "me."

[David]

If have a child with a due date after your 35th birthday you are Advanced Maternal Age, which is the PC version of Old Maid, or crotchety crone. Don't fool your self, get sluttin soon. Offer that special someone to wear your poontang like a turtleneck this winter.

[[deleted user]]

I hate David.

[Tracy]

boo, whatever. my mother had me when she was 34 (and then my brother 3.5 years later!) , and i would estimate that exactly 80% of my male friends (including a few boyfriends) have wanted to bone her. it's even worse now that she's single. so based on my highly logical empirical research, i would say that having babies late keeps one looking young and hot well into middle age and beyond (i have one friend right this second offering via ichat to give me a sofa in exchange for my mother's phone number). you've got plenty of time for sluttin it up.

[[deleted user]]

David, I will never "get sluttin!" And I refuse to call any part of myself "poontang." Gross! But YOU have a mate, probably, which is pretty rich.

Tracy, your mom sounds like a soap opera character!

[Daniel]

I agree with David but what do I know? I am an ass.

[Daniel]

It's about all I have right now.

[Servius Heiner]

What, an ass? That sounds contagious, I better stay back.

[Lori]

Meh, I had Jake when I close to 40! Keeps me young.

And exhausted. :)

[David]

All of my lovelies is not up for discussion right now but I thank you for trying to divert the subject. I am not making up Advanced Maternal Age: its time to sack that special sap. Please, don't share kinship in name with Sarah Palin by being socially irresponsible and creating deformed babies because you are an old maid. Find that special employed someone soon.

[[deleted user]]

You're a deformed baby, David! I'm only 32. I still get carded everywhere I go. My aunt is stupid for thinking I'm a barren old maid and so are you. So there.

[Lisa]

One of my coworkers, who is about my mom's age, recently asked if she could take the boxes out of my office (I just moved to a new office) because her daughter was moving. Me: Didn't she just move in with her boyfriend? Coworker: Yeah, the boyfriend didn't last. She found out he was using heroin. Me: (not saying: Shit, there are still smack addicts?) Well, that sucks. Sorry to hear that. (some ensuing conversation.) Coworker: I just want her to get married and have babies. I want grandchildren!

Uh...honey, given that she just moved in with a guy who turned out to be shooting smack, are you absolutely sure that's what you want for her right now? Are you sure you don't want her to find some practice relationship with a guy who doesn't have track marks first?

At least my mom knew better than to whine about me having kids when I was dating a shithead she hated, and that guy's worst vices were whiskey, cigarettes, and thinking he was smarter than I am.

'Tambo, I'm older than you are. You're not allowed to be a barren old maid, no matter what your crazy old aunt says.