Smart Talented Unique Person(s) in Demand (STUPID) discussion
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A man who dont say NO! to his public!! David!
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The Crimson Fucker, King Of The Lost
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Oct 31, 2010 06:57PM
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Hey, wait. Why are you the only one in this group? You're not luring me here to juice me up on Boone's Farm and take advantage of me, are you? Cuz, like, Chris Hanson is totally hiding in a van out front. Just so you know.
Honestly, it took me several minutes to find the 'join' button. They moved it. Or I'm stupid. One or the other.
This is a creepy place. It's like the abandoned warehouse of Goodreads.
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now! i have a challenge for you! i'm about to ask you a series of questions... the thing is that i didnt write most of them! if you manage to pin point the ones that were done by me... i will tell you the identity of the person who wrote em... but if you fail you like Manny will never know!!! you down with that?
I guess. So this is like a game show or something? What do I win? I already know I'll lose my dignity.But commence. I'm ready. I'm also at work -- so if I drift away the capitalist pigs are breathing down my neck...
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1a) David, this is a serious question. People love, and I mean LOVE your reviews. You deleted your account and started from scratch, and you're already one of the all-time top reviewers again! How do you write such fucking great reviews, and what is your inspiration (besides me)?
Okay, you didn't write this one. Did Stephen write it? It sounds like the lapping of his tongue on my sphincter. But okay, I'll bite...I write such fucking great reviews because I am fucking great, relatively speaking. Not really. The weird thing is that I don't like the reviews I write that most people like. I prefer the unpopular idiotic ones. Mainly I just enjoy amusing myself. If that amuses anybody else, I guess that's a good thing. Also, I am extremely opinionated and semi-arrogant and I like trash-talking retarded things. Other people seem to hate retarded things too, so we have that in common. Fighting against retarded things is what binds us together in a common family of humankind. That, and covering the toilet seat with TP in public restrooms before we take a dump.
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1b) Why did you delete your account, anyhow? Was that some sort of histrionic teenaged hissyfit, or a noble gesture the rest of us are too dim to comprehend?
No, it was completely a histrionic teenaged hissyfit. And I actually deleted my profile TWICE. Apparently in the autumn and winter time, I succumb to a primal rage that causes me to lash out at the cyberworld passive-aggressively. I can't explain it. Last year, on Christmas Eve, at approximately 4:30 PM, I said to myself, 'I think I'm going to delete my Goodreads account now.' And Myself said back to me, 'Okay, go ahead and do it, you stupid whore.' And when I am chided like that, I can't resist. I have often and everywhere been accused of being a vote-whore, but that is clearly not the case when I am willing to chuck all my reviews and votes out the window. In other words, I am like Mariah Carey when she had that very public meltdown and started stripping and handing out ice cream on MTV and saying weird things randomly. But -- I would like to clarify -- that is the ONLY way in which I resemble Ms. Carey. (Wait. We both have big feet.)
By the way, a coworker just entered my office and delayed my response. I apologize. I know that hundreds of thousands of Goodreaders are waiting for my insights.
P.S. The question in comment 10 was also not authored by you, Alfonso.
Mod
next question!!!
2) Rumour has it that you go on and on about a mythical "golden age" of GoodReads. You even define it with dates, but you never say what made it so great. The most expensive element on Earth is Californium, which costs about $400,000/gram, and which has a half-life measured in seconds. What would the Californium Age of GoodReads look like?
Interesting question. First of all, I notice that you spelled 'rumor' as 'rumour' so that means that the author of this question is either British, Canadian, or Australian or some other dumb nationality that doesn't know how to spell English words right. (It better not be Fuck Mulligan. No, he's probably too busy oozing faux charm all over some Canadian hotties at a Toronto Applebees happy hour.)
Anyway. The Golden Age is not 'mythical' as the question implies. It was and is very real. This is not a subjective appraisal. There was -- once upon a time -- a better time than now, and that was when Goodreads was burnished with the sepia tones of yesteryear and dappled in autumnal sunlight. Mainly it was the period when I held sway. Now I can't hold sway because sway has gotten too heavy to hold. I know this is a flippant answer, but it's also profoundly insightful. I am who am.
A Californium Age in Goodreadsland would be one in which all of us were merely blinding orbs of white light emanating our thoughts, feelings, and snarky reviews via the invisible spectrum. This isn't willy-nilly conjecture. I have science to back this up, but nobody would understand it. It's a lot like Mormonism that way.
Am I too verbose? Would Barbara Walters sit through answers like this?
This may be the first instance where the interviewee had to wake up Barbara Walters. In this analogy, you are Barbara Walters, Alfonso.
You slut.
Mod
let's try another and see what happens!
3) You have demonstrated on many occasions your extensive knowledge and good taste in film. If I were going to be shot into space and could only take three quality movies with me, what ones would you recommend (assume I've already committed "The Dirty Thirty: Poolside Orgy #7" to memory, so no need to include that one).
Oh, shit. That's a TOUGH question. Because I would recommend a different three depending on who is asking the question -- also depending on whether the person wants a variety of different kinds of films in space. But anyway, if you're in space, you should probably look around, take some photos, try not to explode or suffocate or die in other ways, and not concern yourself with watching movies. But if you insist...If the 'you' in question is 'me,' I would take:
1. Mulholland Drive
2. Manhattan Murder Mystery
3. Cries and Whispers
If the 'you' is someone other than 'me,' I recommend:
1. The Godfather, Part I
2. All About Eve
3. Annie Hall
If the 'you' is not 'you' or 'me,' I recommend:
1. Life Aquatic
2. Red Desert
3. Needful Things
Because I hate all three of these.
Sorry, Alfonso, but I am a blabbermouth. I have spent so long answering these questions that I have to go home from work now.If my people STILL need more of me, I can continue this interview tomorrow. But after fifty-two years in showbiz, I've learned to keep 'em wantin' more...
Mod
next question!!!
4) Life is short, and you're obviously talented. Why don't you quit the job you hate and become a writer? If that's too serious for you: who is your favorite porn star?
Okay, I'll answer this one before I go...
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4) Because I am terrified of uncertainty. At least a dreary, frustrating, disheartening workaday existence is predictable. And I have no self-discipline. I don't have a 'favorite porn star' because I don't know many of their names. Seriously, these people don't deserve names. They're just objects to me. Bulbous, oily, dripping objects. Hot, steamy, deeply penetrated objects. Objectified objects. They should just have numbers... like 18753B. As in: 'I loved that bukkake facial that 18753B got in There's a Negro in My Mother, Part 4.' I don't need to personalize these objects. They should just be injected with whatever neuromotor toxins that they require to endure and move on to the next soundstage.
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next one! and take your sweet time to answer!! i'ma need a lot of time to make the movie out of this interview!!!
5) Imagine that you personally could not become a superhero, but you had the power to give superpowers to one GoodReader. Which GoodReader would you choose, and what powers would you bestow on them?
Okay... first off, a clarification is in order. I am not a chauvinistic pig. When I refer to porn stars as nothing but a smorgasbord of vacant seeping holes and knotted protrusions, I mean female and male porn stars. And shemale porn stars. And all other categories and species thereof which may currently be under development. I may discriminate against porn stars, but I don't discriminate within them. They are all disposable objects; unfortunately, most of them are no longer biodegradable. (Let's get green, porn industry! How about earth-friendly fake tits that are made of compost of something?) Now where was I?
5) If I could not become a superhero, then why the hell would I want to give anybody else superpowers? I am selfish and insecure and megalomaniacal, so I am not sure that, say, doling out laser eyebeams or a magic lasso would be on my to-do list. But for the sake of discussion, I'll assume I enter a fugue state or a state of profound otherness and somehow wish to empower others.
I feel contractually obligated to award my broseidon brian gottlieb some sort of superpower because he's been such a good friend and he's given me so much head over the years. So I think I would award him a magical power over the evil supervillain Gag Reflector. Let's say Sluttopolis, the Intergalactic Greek Whore from Planet Fellatius VI, escapes from the Phantom Zone and touches his kike nose with her magical crystal wand which gives him a Plastic-Man throat that allows him to finally take all of me... Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's just another LA crack whore... Ho-hum...
Or -- and this one is more serious -- I would give him the power to avenge abused, mistreated, and neglected animals all over the world. He would wear a really flaming spandex superhero outfit in magenta and seafoam-green with a polka dotted tail coming out of the butt. And he would go wherever animals are abused and zap the abusers with the Retribution Ray®, which would give them pain roughly resembling a stroke, major dental work without anesthetic, childbirth, electrocution, and ritual Japanese disembowelment all at the same time.
How does that sound? The Retribution Ray would shoot out of one of his sharp, high-interest-yielding cranial Jew-horns. Super neato.
Mod
next question!
6) How do you decide which book you're going to read next?
6) Really? Somebody seriously wants to know the answer to this question? For real? This is maybe the most boring question I've ever seen in my life. (No offense, question-writer.) Um, I really don't know. Usually I wander around my home from book shelf to book shelf looking at the books I haven't read -- and there are lots of them -- and then I pull one out (twss) and look at the back of it, then the front of it, then the first page. If it passes this test, then I take it to a chair, bed, or other recumbency device and read a little of it, and then I decide that, no, this isn't the book I want to be reading, so I go put it back, and I follow this same procedure with three to twenty more books, after which time I usually decide to watch television instead -- which explains why I haven't finished any books or written many reviews lately.Anyway, I'm old and have to get up early for work tomorrow, so if my screaming, hyperventilating fans have any more questions, I'll be here to answer them (backstage::wink,wink) tomorrow...
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WHAT THE FUCK DAVID!???" WHAT THE FUCK!!!????
*** Tune in tomorrow for the continuing story! ***TV-MA
Mod
Well, if the final question is 'What the fuck, David!??? What the fuck!!!???' then the final answer is clearly, 'OMFG!!!! I know, right?????'Thank you for inviting me to your lounge for a little Q and A, Alfonso. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw bus tokens at cripples.
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