Writers Unite discussion
Writers H-M
>
Jen's writing
message 1:
by
Jen
(new)
Sep 29, 2010 03:04PM
hey everyone i just wanted to post a few pieces of writing i am working on. PLz let me know what you (honestly) think, but dont be too harsh :D
reply
|
flag
here is the first:-I Loved You Then-
I know what I need is rescue
As I plunge farther and farther away from you.
I tumble down this cascading wall
As everything around me seems to fall.
My heart is slowly crumbling apart
For the time has come for our paths to part.
My smile is now forever gone
And the same goes for my liking of dawn.
Because the sun that would rise
Only reminds me of the endless blue sky.
But now darkness is all that I can see
As the pain you have caused engulfs me.
And no I cannot see the twinkling stars
I only trace my terrible scars.
Crystal tears well in my eyes
As my buried feelings for you begin to arise.
And when I think of you I feel a pang
Where my love for you once desperately clang.
My mind is still trying to understand,
Why hurting me was your demand.
How do you not see that you impair
Confusion and hurt with your love and care?
Are you waiting for me to explain
Why loving you brings me pain?
Can you not see it all has to do
With the undying love I have for you?
Your shining eyes and smile that are so sweet
Make my drumming heart go offbeat.
But the last time I saw your face
My heart did not begin to race.
For what you told me then
Is what will now repeat in my mind again and again.
My heart bleeds with the love I have lost
As I learn what true love costs.
I thought we had feelings to share
But I am the only with care.
Why did you wish for me to leave?
For I did believe
That you loved me as much as I do you
But I guess it just wasn’t true.
I also must ask before goodbye
Did I ever once tell you a lie?
Was I the reason you ran away?
Were you afraid, or too scared to say?
As you walk in the opposite direction
My heart fills with unbearable rejection.
For now it is written across my heart in pen
I loved you deeply then.
this is awesome!
i can never rhyme like that.
i can never rhyme like that.
i actually didn't think of good ryhmes at first. here is my process:1) think of topic to write on (love)
2)think of words and ryhmes
3)if i dont like the words go to synonyms.com and find better words
4)then go to ryhmezone.com for other ryhmes if i cant think of a good one
5) spend 1/2 hour writign and rivising (time may vary)
6)post on Goodreads :D
cooooool. thanks so much, i really suck at writing poetry. need to get better.
and plus remember to give us a suggestion for a monthly read
wow. I love this poetry Jen. really deep n emotional =]
thanks so much! you guys don't think i need to edit it or anything?
OK so here are some random quotes i made up. its not really writing, but tell me if u like em!“Don’t close your eyes and view your life as you want it, open them and face reality.”
“Knowing facts and going by what other people say gets you far in life, but having opinions and a voice of your own, now that takes you far.”
“Loving someone doesn’t take as much effort as hating someone, and we all know we’re lazy.”
Here is another poem for you guys to chew on:Blizzard of Warmth
A blizzard of ashes
falling,
blowing in the wind
surrounding her
as she lay on the rough terrain.
People shouting
her name
but the voices
were whipped around by the wind.
She smiled,
her eyes closed,
the warmth from the rubble
underneath,
blanketed her,
a shield against the frosty night air.
Terror
and fear
were lost
in the distance
with the sirens and
steady stream of water.
Her chest
fell
and rose,
fell
and rose.
Fell.
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/6... this is the link to a poem i wrote last year. it is a poem for the book out of the dust, so if you haven't read the book you may not get it.
ok so here is the first chapter of a story i am working on, tell me what you think (oh the story is titled Soaring)*The Dream*
Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound of my alarm clock woke me out of my hazy dream. I can only remember a little…
I was on top of an old abandoned building down the street, just standing, then there was a sudden flash of lightning and I jumped from fear. And I realized that I was sailing, floating, rocking peacefully with the wind, flying high. But the strangest part, I was calm; I had a sense that I was safe. It was where I belonged…
Of course, I wouldn’t realize until later what that dream really meant.
I got out of bed and grabbed my brush. I began hacking furiously at my long, brown hair. After that I took a quick shower. I came out smelling of wild roses and frosty air. I jumped into my school uniform, a blue plaid skirt; a white flimsy button up blouse; and my white knee high socks. I slipped into my chair at the table just as my mom served me up some scrambled eggs. I quickly ate the eggs and went back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder as I headed out the door.
I was freezing my butt off by the time I reached Mike’s house. Mike has been my best friend since we first met in kindergarten and we walk to school with each other every day. I hopped up the stairs to his house rang the doorbell and waited for Mike to appear. He was next to me in a flash and we were on our way.
“Hey, Mel?” Mike yawned as we waited for the crossing guard to say it was clear to walk.
“Yeah Mike?” I replied waiting for the question of the day. I tore my gaze from the sidewalk and my walking feet. He was smiling at me with his perfect white teeth, his big blue eyes shining. Mike has blue eyes, blonde hair, and dimples when he smiles. He is basically every girl’s dream and I am lucky enough to be his best friend.
“If you could choose a super power, what would it be?” Now, let me tell you, it caught me a little off guard. I mean Mike always asks me something on science, math, or history. Never once did he ask me a question like this.
“Why do you ask?” I said looking up at him still smiling at me.
“Well I had this weird dream last night… I was walking across the main road when I noticed a car speeding at me. I knew I wouldn’t make it, but then something strange happened. The car went right through me and when I looked down I didn’t see anything. I was invisible…” At this point I was totally freaked out. How is it that Mike and I would have ten same type of dream? I decided to keep my dream to myself, assuring myself it was just a coincidence.
“I guess I would want to…fly,” I answered back, thinking of the dream I had the night before and the calm feeling that overtook me during it.
I stopped walking crept out by what was happening, I shook my head trying to rid myself of the weirdness. I could sense something wrong.
I was feeling better by the time we got to school. We searched the crowd for our friend Sarah. When we spotted her waving at us we went to go talk with her.
“Hey! Melanie!” my best friend Sarah shouted at me. She grabbed my arm and gave me a slight shake. “Come on girl! It’s time to wake up. We have a major test first period for Mr.Teged. We need to be wide awake in case he throws us any curveball questions,” she warned.
“Huh? Oh, hi Sarah. Did you say something?” I mumbled.
“Ugh. Never mind. You are so hopeless,” she sighed. “What is with you? You’re so out of it. I’ve never seen you like this,” Sarah continued.
“I’m fine. Did I seem weird to you on our way here Mike?” I turned to look at him questioningly.
“Well…kinda. I mean once I mentioned my dream about being invisible-“
“Wait! You had a dream about being invisible?” Sarah asked turning to face him. “That’s a little freaky. I had a dream last night where I could run at the speed of light. I was walking alone at night down the block from my house when I saw this black limo driving slowly behind me. After a while of it following me I started to pick up the pace. Then the guy jumped out of the car and started to chase me. He was so close I thought I was a goner. But as I started to run I noticed I was going way faster than usual. So I slowed down and realized I’d run across town in less than two minutes…”
I didn’t hear the rest because I was too busy panicking inside. I was starting to feel nauseous about all of the supernatural dreams going around. I started to wonder if anyone else had a similar dream last night.
Concerned, Sarah asked, “Hey, Mel, are you all right? You look white as a sheet of paper. Do you want me to go with you to the nurse?”
“Yeah you look like a ghost. It’s funny, you had the same reaction when I told you about my dream…” Mike said looking worriedly at me.
I didn’t want to go in because I knew she wouldn’t find anything wrong with me. I figured it was just my nerves acting up so I said, “No that’s okay. I think I’ll just get a drink of water,”
Then everything went black.
ok so no one is commenting so i guess:A) no one read it
B) you hated it and are so appalled at the fact that someone can write that bad that you couldnt even comment
C) loved it so much you are speechless because of my amazing talent(:D)
D)...?
oh well moving right along, here is the next chapter:
Meadow of TearsMy eyes creaked open and saw white walls with doctors buzzing around me. I wondered where I was and how I got there. I was about to ask one of the doctors when I noticed Mike and Sarah in opposite beds across from me. I struggled to sit up, but the doctors put restraints on me. I tried to yell, but choked because my mouth was too dry. I licked my sandpaper dry lips. Questions swirling around in my head…
Where am I? How did I get here? What happened to me? Why can’t I remember anything? Why are Sarah and Mike here?
I turned my head both ways and saw that some of my other classmates were there: Dylan, Beck, Janice, and Brett. After seeing them I wondered how many of us there were. What had happened to us all?
It was becoming more difficult to stay awake, but then I saw the doctor entering the room and I fought against the tiredness. The doctor came over to me first and gave me a look that sent shivers down my back. As my body quivered his stare intensified. It was beginning to worry me. I couldn’t wait any longer I wanted answers. “Why am I here and what is wrong with me?” I whispered through my dry lips. I wanted to break out of my restraints and hop out of my bed. I wanted to be free. I suddenly busted into tears because no one would answer me. I felt like I was alone even though many people were swarming around me. They all stared at me with quizzical expressions. I just wanted it all to go away. Many nurses and doctors were standing around me, whispering to one another like a busy bee hive. The doctor scooted closer and I looked up at him with my glassy, tear filled eyes waiting for an answer. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay awake much longer because I could already feel sleep coming over me. Then, just as the doctor started saying something my eyelids slid closed and sleep came over me.
The sun was shining, I was in the middle of a meadow with a guy I didn’t know. He had dark brown hair and serious looking gray eyes. Although I could not hear what he was saying, I understood he was trying to tell me a secret because of his drifty eyes. I wanted to laugh, to savor the beautiful moment as I swirled around in the air. Jumping up and slowly, slowly floating down. He took my hand and yanked me down so I no longer could sway. I gazed up at him not understanding why he was looking so intense. Then he leaned in and whispered in my ear. But the sound was still mute and I started to cry. He looked at me with pity in his misty gray eyes as I wept and wept. Slowly, a puddle formed at our feet. I tried stopping, but one look at his grim face would start me all over again. I cried for hours it felt like. When I finally looked up, the mysterious boy was gone and I was no longer standing in a meadow, but standing in a shallow pool of tears.
I woke up with a fast beating heart and shaking hands. The dream was so vivid and seemed so real. I looked around and saw that I was all alone. There were no more doctors or nurses and my classmates were all gone. I was scared out of my mind now. What was going on? I still had no answers. As I sat up I realized they took the restraints off me and I was free to look around. It was only when I got a second look around that I realized my classmates did not leave, I was put in another room all by myself. I went up to the door and turned the handle. It was unlocked.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I walked around for what seemed like hours, but was only minutes. It surprised me that no one would notice a girl in a hospital gown roaming around the building or that a patient had walked out of her room and could not be found. Nurses and doctors passed by and tilted their heads in acknowledgment, smiled, and kept going. I peeked into rooms and wasn’t all that surprised that I kept seeing the faces of my fellow 9th grade classmates. I thought before that it was just a nightmare, but I now know I was wrong. I continued stealing glances into the many rooms at the hospital. I was trying to find Mike and Sarah as I glanced inside all the rooms. Finally, as I checked in the last room of the hallway on the third floor, I found Mike and Sarah. When I snuck into the room their heads turned to face me. At first they looked groggy and tired, but then I saw the recognition cross their faces as a smile appeared on both of them.
“Hey guys,” I whispered as I gently closed the door behind me so as not to wake up the others in the room. I felt bad everyone was still being held by restraints, yet I was free. I noticed the empty bed that I was held in before. The sheets and pillows tossed and messed up. I grimaced at the thought of blacking out and not knowing how I got here to the hospital. Just as I was about to say how I would try to find a key to get them out the doctor walked in.
“Melanie! We have everyone out looking for you. How on earth did you end up here? There are a bunch of nurses and doctors in the hall searching for you! How did you manage to get out of your room when we locked the door?” the doctor said in a hushed voice, looking startled and unsure of what to do. He walked cautiously toward me as if thinking if he came over too quickly I would bolt.
“It didn’t take much work getting here. I woke up in a new room realized there were no restraints on me, went to the door and turned the handle, walked around the building, smiling at the nurses and doctors walking past me, looked into all the rooms until I found my original room with Mike and Sarah, then explained to you how I got here.” I smiled pleasantly at him. He got the message: we were not friends. There was something about the doctor that I didn’t like, didn’t trust. Maybe it was the frantic movements of his head, or his amber eyes that stared longingly without blinking, or could it possibly have been the fake smile plastered on his face that didn’t reach his eyes making them look like they were filled with emptiness. No. It was him knowing something that I obviously did not and him being too sneaky and cunning to let me in on the dirty little secret. It was the air around him making me detest him even though I do not know him and one of life’s greatest lessons is: never judge a book by its cover. But, in this case, every time I looked at his know-it-all face my chest filled with something I would identify until later- fear of the unknown.
“Well I guess since we are all here we can begin, right? You won’t try to escape again will you Melanie? I just want to have an honest conversation with you to try and explain what it is that’s going on. I am sure you have many questions. So let’s get seated and then we shall begin,” the doctor said still not losing his air of confidence or look of knowledge. I sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair awaiting an answer I was sure would be devastating.
“We realize how bizarre it must seem that a good handful of you were all waiting to go into your school when suddenly everything went black and you somehow ended up here at xxxxxxxxx(havent thought of name yet) hospital. I sympathize for you and how you must feel because the questions you have been asking have yet to be answered. Well, the blackouts have a very simple explanation which I am sure even you can grasp the idea of. We believe, because of the intense research we have done on all of your peculiar cases, that there was a strange or even harmful substance in the air and in order to protect you, your systems shut down, thus you blacking out….,”the doctor explained in a condescending voice.
hi jen...well where to begin...ok firstly, i think that this story has great potential. i truly mean that. you make good use of the first person point of view of someone who is obviously frantic and worried because a whole lot of "what the hell is going on here" is clearly taking place. what i would like to suggest is that drag out the main character's views on everything. make her discoveries and descriptions of the events a little more detailing. she's confused, yes, but everything is moving a little to fast so you should chunk it out a little by having this girl take a big, DEEP breath. don't get me wrong, i like where this is going, just drag it out a little more okay? hope this helps and i hope to read more soon =)
thanks sooo much! why i didnt do that in the first place is because i never like it when an author drags events for a really long time, but i totally c what u mean when i reread it, that it is too quick. i will fix it up later cuz i am sooooo busy tonight! thanks you for your advice :D
hey no problem. and i know what you mean about authors dragging things out too much and for too long. but a really good spice of rarely used or even made-up adjectives (from the main characters pov) don't hurt a bit. keep on =)
thanks again! i'll change it up tomorrow and friday. and hopefully (croos your fingers) i will finish this chapter and another by the end of the weekend!
i didn't even realize that i only read the second chapter. meadow of tears is the second chapter right? i have to read the dream and then i'll give you a reevaluation
Ok so listen…There are some grammar issues here that I suggest you redo. First, I want to point out your use of “I”. I know that this is a first person narrative but you should try your hand at beginning your sentences with something besides “I” by perhaps writing more compounds and conjunctions. For instance in the second paragraph of *the dream* you wrote 6 straight sentences that began with “I”. You don’t want to repetitive ok? How about something like:
I got (or scrambled maybe, to up the vibe in the scene, or give it more detail if you will, given the fact that she just woke from an odd dream) out of bed and grabbed my brush, furiously hacking at my long, brown hair. After that, it was a quick shower. [Note: I came out smelling of wild roses and frosty air doesn’t exactly make sense—how does one smell this way? I could understand if maybe the room smelled that way after coming back from the bathroom, but even then, doesn’t a shower leave behind steam rather than frost? — just something for you to think about] Then I jumped into my...All dressed, I bounded down the stairs and slipped into my chair at the table just as mom served up some scrambled eggs. I quickly ate them, and then rushed back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Finally, I grabbed my backpack, slinging it over my shoulder on the way out the door.
Now you can begin a new paragraph with a new “I”. But as I said before, ease up on your use of it because as I stated in my first evaluation of *meadow of tears* you’ve written this character as someone whose frantic and excited. Well, in *the dream* she appears to be quick and unsure based on how she “hacked” at her hair and “quickly ate the eggs.” Also, when she’s talking to Mike, she seems to be unfocused because of the dream. You’ve got to make us readers feel that way too rather than see it. There’s a difference. One other thing, I want to suggest is that you go through both chapters again and change some of your verbs and adjectives to more complex,descriptive ones. I understand that you don't want to write something long and drawn out, but you can still be descriptive without being longwinded.
O and you should go back and separate the paragraphs and the dialogue. will make this a lot easier to read online =)
so srry about all the i's. i havent actually proof read this throughly yet so i will DEFINITELY change the i's. i will also change some verbs and try to use a more advanced vocabulary, but i am only in 8th grade so my wriing isnt that great yet. also i try to seperate dialouge and paragraphs, but it changes it when i post for some reaon. Thanks you very much for your opinion and comments!
hey no prob jen. and you don't have to be sorry. it's completely understandable. i was in your position once upon a time...and you know what, you can never be too old to learn from your mistakes. i certainly learn just by reading other people's writing. in any case no fret about the whole 8th grade thing. its no big deal. you still write well
thanks! i think i write portry better than short stories, but i dont know...have u read the two poems i have posted here?
Jen wrote: "here is the first:-I Loved You Then-
I know what I need is rescue
As I plunge farther and farther away from you.
I tumble down this cascading wall
As everything around..."
good gracious. i hurt. i hurt. i feel this. i feel these feelings. awesome jen
Jen wrote: "Here is another poem for you guys to chew on:A blizzard of ashes
falling,
blowing in the wind
surrounding her
as she lay on the rough terrain.
People shouting
her name
but..."
this is really good too. for a title how about Blizzard of Warmth. its a clear dichotomy of hot and cold
Thank you sooo much i love the title!!!!! you are AMAZING :D
ok so i cant really work on revisions cuz i am totally stuck right now but i'll post a poem i wrote last year. Enjoy!*The Ending*
My tearing eyes do not compare
To my empty heart, in despair.
The pride I felt, no longer there,
Only a cold, harsh, chill that fills the air.
The laughter that once kept me sane
Dissappeared inside this endless rain.
The smile once spread across my lips
No longer there in this dark eclipse.
I sit here waiting in the gloom that has come,
No longer awaiting the long lost sun.
But in that while I choose to wait
The world begins to harshly quake.
I look up and to my dismay
I see the sun sway and sway.
I settle down
On the broken ground.
I look at the sea that was once a mirror
But all i can see is that it is no clearer,
Than the swaying sun
Or the sound of my heart that can bearly drum.
Or the dark gloomy clouds.
Or this terribly broken ground.
And in that moment i start to rest
Because i know the ending is not the best.
this is beautiful. such emotion... i had to read this like 3 times just to prove to myself that i won't cry but i think i might. who hasn't felt this way at some point in their life? you capture that emotion well
thanks! i'm guessing you agree with me that i write poetry better than?
o jen! please stop putting your writing down. honestly, i think you write quite well. you just need some sprucing up, tighter corners, and just more writing period. see, you still have to write required ish so you have to stay within certain boundaries with some things you write right now. your head is in a certain mode where you have to follow a teacher's rules but you're trying to come up with your own rules at the same time because you want to be and feel established. give it some time. all of us writers go through the phase it seems you're going through where you only like some of what you write. well, one day you're not gonna like anything that you write while everybody else loves it. and then there will be times when you'll absolutely love what you write, but everybody else hates it (don't beat yourself up at that notion). just know that you are aspiring
its not that i dont think my writing is good, i just get disappointed in myself when i miss the simplest of things like starting with 'i' all the time. i have other writing that i havent posted yet that i am currently working on as well cuz i get an idea and work with it for a while, but then i think of something better and try that but then i dont work on it and i get stuck with a bunch of uninished things.maybe i'll just scrap this and start over, but with the same idea. i honestly dont know. but i do enjoy writing poetry better and find myself liking those pieces better than my stories so i will probably just work on that for a while.
ok so if u aren't liking Soaring (my first story) then here is the link for my one of my other stories i have been working on called Forgotten:http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/6...
and srry i know its long
ok i'll be reading that asap. and don't scrap the one you started. just go back to it later if you feel like you need a breakand i dont care about length =)
okay i just read forgotten. must say, to be wholly honest it needs a little work because once again you re-used a pronoun. this time it was "she" which was used several times back to back in most of the paragraphs. you should go back and start combining sentences. i think you were great with your descriptions, though a couple of the adjectives you used showed up more than once between few sentences. so far i really think your descriptions are good but there is a tad bit of inaccuracy when you talk about the streets of nyc. in the first sentence of the story you wrote "cars whizzed down the streets" which in truth ccan't really happen in nyc. nyc has probably the most horrible traffic in the country. so how about "cars crammed the streets". also in that first paragraph i would suggest that you write a little more of what's going on in the city before you mention the girl. and speakig of the sentence where you first mentioned her, that was an odd transition into the set of names you listed. its confusing on what you are describing there exactly. is she a mind reader? otherwise there were some other conventional errors that you can go back and work on. i would read the enitre out loud so that you can hear xactly how it sounds. when did you write this?
no u weren't harsh. and i know about the 'she' situation. it is only like that for the 1st chapter cuz she (srry) doesnt know her name... you will find out about it later in the story. i know it is very confusing and doesnt make much sense cuz most of it i plan on explaining in this upcoming chapter so dont woory i will solve everything... i hope :)
cool-ee-o! can't wait to read the upcoming =)
i was wondering when you wrote this because it seems a lot more descriptive than "the dream" and "meadow of tears" did you write this after those?
thanks! i like writing forgotten more so that may be why it is better. also i will probably just work on that for now and leave the other one alone so i can think.
i hope you post more of forgotten as you write it. id like to read more
no problem. i probably wont have time to work on it until the weekend because i have a bunch of tests i need to study for tomorrow and friday. but dont worry i'll update as soon as i write something :)
