Writers Unite discussion
Writers H-M
>
Jen's writing
message 401:
by
Jen
(new)
Feb 01, 2011 12:37PM
aawww thnx amina! i can always count on you:)
reply
|
flag
yeah, you cannn =DYou know what? I thought of a new story!
awesome-ness! let me know when you post something!
sure :D The synopsis has been posted in my thread
hey happy happy belated b-day Jen dear. i'm sorry but i havent been spending a lot of time on here lately, just doing updates mostly. but i havent disappeared. i promise =D
thnx guys! thats ok t-rose i haven't been on as much either:) and as i return i bring with me a short story written for the contest: dear diary.Dear Diary,
I wish I could have stopped it. I wish this nightmare would stop replaying itself in my mind, making me relive it every day. I wish I could stop the feelings of guilt bubbling out of me. I wish I could forget. I wish I had a second chance. But that’s the thing about life, wishes don’t come true and no one gets a second chance.
I sit and watch out my bedroom window as snowflakes drift down from the sky. I sit and watch out my bedroom window as the wind whips the trees around and the road turns to ice. I sit and watch wanting to get out, into the cold, winter-wonderland. I glance at my car, wishing my mother would let me drive in snow, so I could get out of this miserable prison. Suddenly, the wanting is too much to handle so I get dressed, bundle up, and grab the keys. Grab my freedom. I am careful about exiting the house for I fear I may wake somebody up. Once out of the house though I know I have succeeded. I run to my car and don’t look back. I put the key into the ignition, turn, and the car emerges from its sleep. Now I am free. Now I am gone.
I have the music on low volume as I listen to the cheery Christmas music that plays on every channel. I have no idea where I am going as I drive along the icy roads while more snow piles. All I know is that I needed to get out and prove that I didn’t need my mother always looking out for me. That I was perfectly safe without her.
As I drive, feeling the little bumps in the road as the car vibrates; I feel free, which is all I ever wanted. I am so incredibly happy, as I close my eyes and a smile spreads itself onto my lips. And of course my freedom and happiness can never be held onto for long because this is when disaster happens.
I didn’t realize closing my eyes for five second could result in such a tragedy. All I wanted was freedom. All I wanted was to prove myself to my mother. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to skip a red light and skid along the ice as I tried desperately to brake. I didn’t want to slam into that shiny black car. I didn’t want to notice, in all my panic, the three little girls, singing what must have been carols, in the back seat. I hope you can understand; I didn’t want to.
You obviously know I have survived the accident, but that doesn’t mean I got out unscathed. But I want you to know everyone was okay. Though to me it seemed no one was going to get out of the crunched black car that wonderful snowy day, they all did. No longer do I drive. No longer do I drive for I am now in a wheelchair. No longer do I sit behind the wheel and cause disaster. No longer do I want my freedom because my freedom only endangers everyone else. No longer do I go against what my mother says.
Now, my days are spent inside, wishing about the things I can’t change. Where I wish I could let myself forget about that tragic accident. I wish now, as I sit and watch out my bedroom window, with snowflakes cascading down, that I never left that winter morning.
I know I cannot go back and change the past. But I can change my own future. So goodbye diary for this will be my last entry to you. My pen will never scribble my thoughts and dreams on your pages again. For once I end this letter to you I will close my eyes forever. So please diary understand I didn’t want to cause all of what happened that wintery day. Understand I am sorry for what I have done. Understand diary. Please understand.
Jen...o my god...! i don't think i've read anything so beautiful in so long. i can't believe it took me forever to even notice that you had written this. i feel so guilty, yet to fulfilled. i feel bad, yet so special because i found the opportunity to come back and read this. i can't believe it is or isn't fiction. it felt so real, so personal, emotional and downright honest. you didn't have to overuse any adjectives to get across such a devastatingly revelation that most of us deal with at some point or another in our lives...please do not take this the wrong way when i say that i just never realized that you had this in you. you need to submit this in more contests or something. i think that this can serve as a remedy for others who are looking to strive to becoem more sound with the way they live their lives. this is not just for young people. this is for people. outstanding job, jen =D
Jen wrote: "**Accident**If only
You had seen
The stoplight,
Seen the
Red
Emanating from it.
If only
You had
Cared about people
Other than yourself
When rushing past
The stoplight
At six..."
goodness...where the hell was i when you were writing these beautified tragedies?!?!?! i love this jen. i love it
Thank you soooo much T-Rose! I've been missing your comments! :D I'm just glad to have you back and I'm happy to see that your pleased with my latest works. As for my dear diary piece:AHHHHH!! i was like crying while writing it! but i have to say thnxs to ama for the inspiration for that one since she posted the contest. It is fiction since i'm only thirteen and yeah if they let me drive at this age then it probably would be a true story. also the repetition stuff, i didn't really mean to do it but thats the poet in me:P i also think it is dramatic but i may have gone overboard. as for being offended i'm not obviously. i really haven't posted anything like this. i mean like not poetry but still as you said emotional and honest. so yeah thank you again!
i am currently having writer's block again! and i have just finished a research paper only to be rewarded with.... another research paper! so i have TONS of work to do and like zip time to do any writing unfortunately.
im glad you took my review so well. anything to keep your spirits up =) and i understand what you're exact sentiment on the writer's block, but the most recent one i just had has lifted. looks like i'll be busy as usual writing over spring break =P what's the research paper on?
well i just got my grade back for my language arts (english) research paper which was on the career u want to be when you grow up(i chose author naturally) and i got a 99!!!!! aahhhhh i am the only one of like 170 students to get 99(which was the highest grade!) so yeah i'm REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY:D the other paper is for science. it is on truffles. so yeah it is probably going to be the most boring paper EVER but the rules and stuff for it aren't as strict as the english paper so it should be less difficult.
well congratulations on making the grade on your "language arts"(lol i havent heard that one in years) paper. and good luck on the truffles one. might seem boring now but you can turn that around with the simple flick of a pencil. but i don't really have to tell you that now do i? =P
no u dont... i'm sure i'll have fun writing a research paper in 4 days which i havent even started researching for yet! lol XD hopefully i will have posted at least two poems by the end of the week cuz i'm trying to get back to my daily poetry:P
so if you know anyhting about what has been happening today then you should be able to understand this poem:My Child
Hold still child
As I kiss you goodbye.
Hold still child
And please do not cry.
Do not speak child
As I pray before our demise.
Do not speak child
For we shall wait in silence as the waters rise.
Keep your eyes closed child
As the house violently quakes.
Keep your eyes closed child
And ask God to forgive your mistakes.
Do not wail child
Though our home is now a mess.
Do not wail child
For our deaths are sure to come nonetheless.
Do be patient child
As our time together continues to lessen.
Do be patient child
For the time when we join line in front of the gates of heaven.
Do not be afraid child
That you will lose me forever.
Do not be afraid child
For in heaven we will once again be together.
Take my hand now child
The water is at our door.
Take my hand now child
To heaven we soar.
o wow...this is quite heart-rendering. sad in context no doubt, but very creative as well. (yes i know about he quake in Japan)
thnx t-rose! i heard about the quake and flooding during school and i imediately got inspiration so i just couldn't wait to get home and write a poem.
Rebellion:My brother has just been arrested. Again. I believe this is the fifth time this year. Yeah that sounds right- five times and it’s only March. Mother screams at my brother on the top of her lungs. I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t called the police on her yet. I’m sitting on the porch swing in the humid summer night air waiting for the battle in my house to finish. The thick air makes my nightgown stick to my back. Sweat plasters my wavy blonde hair onto my forehead. Calmly, I swing, listening to the fight brewing inside my house. Usually, I sit out here because I’m tired of trying to get my parents’ attention. They only ever pay attention to me when I’ve done something bad. But that never happens because I’m their perfect little girl. I’m the child that’s just too good to be true. Tonight, I just don’t want to be so close to the madness.
I hear something shatter against the floor in my house. Then my mother screams, “Why can’t you be more like you’re sister!” Ouch. That has to sting: Being sixteen and hearing that you should be more like you’re little fourteen year old sister. It has to hurt him because he knows what I’ve been doing, but cannot tell our parents since I’m blackmailing him. He got the one dirty secret on me, but I’ve got worse on him. They’ll find out soon enough though because I know how to destroy them like they’ve destroyed me. It’s quite simple really. When you’re parents always say:
“We couldn’t live without you dear.”
“Oh sweetie life wouldn’t be possible without you’re help around here.”, or
“We love you sweetie! You know that, right? You know your life is the most precious thing we have?”
Absent mindedly I put my hand into the flower pot next to the swing and pick up the small knife I took while cleaning the dishes one time. I think to myself: When will be my breaking point? When will I finally snap and send them into chaos? I sit in the humid air swinging by myself thinking these thoughts as I softly trace the tiny slashes along my wrist. Not tonight I think to myself.
“No, not tonight…” I whisper into the starry sky as I place the knife back inside its hiding place. “Soon though. I’m gonna do it soon.” One day soon I’m gonna break. My parents will wonder what caused it and my brother will be filled with guilt, but at least he won’t have to worry about his secrets coming out. No, dead girls can’t talk.
just a quick short story i wrote for a contest. not my best work...
wow Jen! damn girl! this is amazing. i always felt that you are a good writer but this is just so unexpected. i never imagined you could write like this. it's very deep yet concise. very creative. awesome work =) i haven't been so proud in so long =)
aww thnx so much t-rose! :D you just made my day!
well you certainly deserve the praise. your writing has seriously amped up since the last time you posted. the subject matter is quite strong and it reads so well. its got just hte right bit of emotion and then its swathed with suspense. "No, dead girls can't talk"
wow. just wow
yeah originally i was gonna end with the MC saying how one day she will break and when she does the world her parents knew would crumble, but i decided to add more to it. and i love my last line (not to sound concieted)
not conceited at all. thats just u being confident =)
Okay so since I am so nice I have decided to let you guys have a little sneak peek at a new project I'm working on:) So plz tell me what you think!*****************************************
He hurts me. Yet still, still, I cannot leave him. Why should I? I have nothing left to lose. Shattered, is my heart now because of him. Everything I held close to my heart has crumbled. My heart will no longer beat quickly at the sight of his once beautiful face as now I am terrified of him. Terrified of the monster which lurks inside the shadows of his black heart. Now I lay still with glistening red shards sprinkling the ground around me. Slightly, I pick my pounding head off the floor and take in the damage to my body. Covering my white porcelain skin are gruesome black and blue bruises. Dark red blood trickles overtop all my bruises and flows in tiny rivers onto the floor.
************************************
So should I continue?
hey jen! sorry it took me so long to come back. life's just been a busy affair lately so....anyway i did read this last post of yours and here's what i've got:
although i enjoyed this, some parts of it confused me.
first, the sentence "I have nothing left to lose" doesn't really make sense to me. it's a little ambiguous, but it's still interestingly put: is this your way of conveying the girls pov as "I have lost everything"?
Also, you should scratch that comma after "shattered". It's unnecessary.
as for the "My heart will no longer beat quickly..." sentence, this is yet another ambiguous statement because of the way it is put. Shouldn't her heart beat quickly because the guy terrifies her? Perhaps you should replace "quickly" with something like "exhilaratingly" or "happily" or "longingly" or else the sentence would otherwise come off as something very close to an oxymoron--which isn't a bad thing at all--but if not utilized carefully can be confusing and even contradictory. if we take your sentence and cleanup the adjectives, this is what it sounds like your saying: "my heart isn't going to beat fast because he now scares me." I think what you really mean to say is "my heart isn't going to beat happily because he now scares me."
See the difference?
this passage is descriptive, and mighty well gloomy and such, please do not get me wrong. I understand where you are coming from here, but i would like to suggest that you make some changes to some of the adjectives and verbs you've used. For example, in the sentence where you use "lurks" i would use something a little stronger like, say, "broods in the shadows of his menacing, black heart," because "lurks" sounds kind of like the guy is "hanging around" or something. "hanging around" won't incite fear in a person like "stewing in the dark corner back there." reconsider your adjectives in this sentence okay?
See, as the reader, i'm left with the feeling that this guy is pretty bad. You still managed to convey that, however, i'm looking for a little more clarity in the situation going on here. I can understand the severity of the deal between this girl and her guy, i can see what she looks like, but, i am unable to feel how she feels. I need more. I need more meat.
You see Jen, you typically write in the form of prose, so it's probably very natural for you to be able to shape your paragraphs concisely. I absolutely do agree that you should continue this because you do know how to capture your readers' attention. You do know how to draw us in with the gritty, gruesomeness, but if you want to turn this into a story you've got to break it down and really delve deep. Let go of the simply arranged detail and experiment more with metaphors and obscure similes(i say this because of the genre you see to have a penchant for writing it). don't be afraid to break some literary rules i.e one word sentences, fragments, ellipses...
For instance, you used "bruises" in back-to-back sentences. How about arranging that sentence in another way such as this: "Blue-black bruises blanket the white porcelain called my skin, dark red blood trickling like red wine over them, streaming in tiny rivers onto the floor. We used to match...the floor and me. Now we're just...ruined by spilled liquid red. Blooded pools of tears are us. The floor and me."
You see what i'm saying?
It's alright to replace the most sensible adjective with something rarely used.
Dear Jen, my dear dear Jen...you are a suspense, mystery, romantic writer. I can tell. i always could. but you've got to paint it like it's a giant mural in a L.A. tunnel. You are destined to be that kind of artist. In a nutshell... Don't. Be. Shy.
this wasn't a bad effort at all, it just needs a more thorough rearrangement of words and a little more randomness and provocations. this is too dramatic for it not to contain these important elements i've stated. i hope you take my advice in stride. please do keep your head up and certainly continue on with this. personally, i'd like to see more =)
well t-rose thank you for the constuctive advice. i wrote this at like eleven at night and i just re read it and i completely agree that it 100% sucks. so i'm just going to scrap it completely and redo the whole thing. anyway thnx for being honest:) i think i'm just going to keep the story line i was thinking of and just write a free verse novel since it is my strong suit i guess.
oh and do you think i should make that short story (the one with the girl who is thinking of killing herself) into a longer story? like would you be interested in reading more about her...?
o anytime jen, anytime. I love to help when i can. what's the point in lying when it comes to advice anyway right? im real glad and thoroughly impressed at how well you took my words (lol i know it was a lot). anyway, yes! of course you need to finish the story about the girl killing herself. I was afraid you wouldn't. i really like where that one was going. And you know...free verse sounds just right for you...you know at least until you feel more comfortable with putting out other styles. I recognize that in the past few months you've been concerned with how your meatier work is, but i don't want you to go feeling bad about it. you are very talented jen! and to tell you the truth, i haven't read a lot of free verse, but as much as i love your poetry i know that i will definitely be reading your free verse. but yes, please do finish with both stories. i look forward to a lot of summer posts from you =)
yeah thankfully school will be ending soon and i can finally stop with the long school projects and pick up with my writing:D
yes. i know what you mean.im almost done with my own novel as a matter of fact. i had like 3 writer's block just this semester itself but now it's looking like i'll be done in just a couple days if not tomorrow. wish me luck =)
so i was trying to write poetry but then i worte this longer paragraph short story thing so i just figured i'd post it since i haven't written anything (good) in a while****************************************************
Peering around the trunk of a mighty cherry blossom tree, I spot him, sitting peacefully on a hill covered in pink blossom petals. He looks relaxed as he sits on Cherry Hill where we promised to meet for our first date today. The date was supposed to be at 6 P.M. so we could talk and watch the sun set over Cherry Hill. It is 5:59 P.M. and I can see he is nervous and anxious for me to arrive. Silently I continue to watch him out on the hill by his lonesome as I hide behind the ancient cherry blossom tree. I do not know why I hide for he wouldn’t be able to see me anyway. I am forever invisible and silent to all. It was on the way here in our car, with the radio blasting If I Die Young and me singing along. My mother was driving and I know it wasn’t her fault, but if she hadn’t let my sister take the front seat the outcome might have been different. For it wasn’t the front of our little silver car but the back that the big truck rammed into. Instantly on impact, my life was taken away from me. My soul floated out of my body while my sister and mother remained behind screaming for me, but knowing I was already gone. Now I walk the roads, watching my town who don’t know anything about what happened. It seems so strange how fate works how my life ended on the day I thought it was just about to begin. So I watch him sit there waiting. Waiting for a ghost. After a while his phone beeps and he picks it up. The call takes a while and I know what is going on. I know he is being told about the accident and that he doesn’t believe it could be true. And I wish with all my heart it wasn’t true, but lives aren’t restored by denial. Then I notice the tears in his eyes sliding down his cheeks as he lies back onto the grassy hill. He drops the phone without ever hanging up and he lays there crying about a girl he hardly knew. Crying about a girl that used to be me. He stands then and dries off his eyes and takes a pink envelope out of his pocket along with a pen. I see him cross something off and write something else. Then he seals the words with a lick of his tongue and a kiss. Gently, he leaves it where he was sitting and I know deep down in my heart that he left it there for me. So I gingerly step out from behind the tree as though the dying sunlight will somehow seer my floating soul. Suddenly, he turns my way and my heart jumps because he is starring straight at me and then my body shimmers once in the sunlight. Then he turns around and walks away. Walking up to the envelope my heart flutters. And when I tear the message open my hand tingles where his lips had touched the paper. My eyes read the sweetest words ever directed toward me as my hands shake violently. Because on that pink piece of paper neatly written were the three words I love you only the love was crossed out and in its place was a shakily written miss. I miss you.
o my god...jen...this is beautiful! i've never been so impressed by you--well actually yes i have! you're just surprising me more and more with your talent. i wish this piece didn't end but the way you ended it seems so perfect that how could it not? So I gingerly step out from behind the tree as though the dying sunlight will somehow seer my floating soul.
wow...just wow.
the flow of this piece is wonderful. it's not overly dramatic though it is full of sorrow and wrapped in bitter-sweetness. very creative and original. the voice has a great sense of maturity yet a longing for yesteryear as it obviously involves the MC's silent pledge of enduring love. excellent jen. and thanks a lot for making me want to cry...what the hell! lol
lol t-rose thnx so much!! the idea started out as a poem but i had so much to say about what was happening that i thought a poem wouldn't do it justice (despite my amazing poetic abilities:D).so i just started writing and i wanted to create as you said a story full of bitter-sweetness that makes you wanna cry. idk why but i always love the stories that make a reader cry... anyways thnx again for ur suppport and your devotion to my writing!
i certainly did notice that it wasn't your typical poetic/prose-y style but it was still incredibly well-done and a great effort. you put a lot of dedication into honing your skill. you clearly want to be as best as you can and your range is a bouquet of roses when it comes to how to make someone want to cry. i love the depth. i can read your "bitter-sweet" style all day jen. yes, you're that good. be proud please :D
aww thnx luv! hopefully soon with 8th grade graduation coming up i'll be able to get on more and write more incredible things! :D
nice. can't wait to read more and i'll be sure to post a couple things or so myself. i surely haven't in a loooooong while. congratulations with school! *wink*
oh yeah cuz middle school is soooo rough lol :Pcan't wait to read more from you soon! g' night
GGGGGGRRRR! Someone needs to slap me cuz maybe that will help me be able to write SOMETHING even if it is awful:(
wow can't believe no one took me up on the offer of a cyber-slpa. :P anyways still i have nothign written cuz all summer i've been able to write nothing...:( and in about two weeks i am starting high school so most likely i will continue to not write a lot or be on GR. so anyway i'm sorry i haven't been supplying all you guys with my amazing writing (lol jk). also, maybe i'll just stop writing and pick up a different hobby but i'm not sure...advice anyone...?
don't you dare quit writing!that's my advice. you come here when you can, just like i'm sure most of us are doing. i will certainly admit to that myself. but GR is also about reading too. just do what you do. don't quit jen!
thnx t-rose:) i guess maybe when school starts up again i'll be able to find my inspiration again. usually i got ideas during class, would scribble a few things down, then work on it at home. for some reason though i haven't been able to write anything all summer. I have the world's worst case of writer's block. i promise that today i will attempt to write SOMETHING -goody bad or just plain terrible :P
so i have just finished reading every single post here debating aout what i should od and i will give it another shot. i'm thinking about working on continuing my piece with the girl whose brother had been arrested and she is blackmailing him...
ok so this is not a newly written piece, but it is one i had not posted cuz i didn't like it. (i still don't like it but i'll post it) :**FOREVER**
Standing in the park,
The sun
Slowly setting
Beyond us,
Dipping behind the hills
I wished
That the moment could
Last Forever.
It seemed that
Night
Would Never come
As the sunlight
Danced in your eyes.
It seemed
Winter
Would Never come
To destroy the
Blossom
Petals
Swirling
All around us.
It seemed
Your rough hand
Would Never stop
Cradling mine.
It seemed
Your soft lips
Would Never be
Separated from
Mine.
It seemed
Your love for me
Would Never cease.
It seemed
Our days together
Would Never come
To an end.
It seemed
Your shoulder
Would Never be
Unavailable for
My head to rest on.
It seemed
As though my fairytale
Would Never end.
Kissing you
In that park,
Thinking only of
Your lips
Against mine
It seemed
Time
Would stay still
Forever.
But now
I sit inside watching the
Winter snowflakes
Fall
Without you
Beside me.
Without your hand
In mine.
Without your shoulder
To cry on.
Without You.
I realize nothing
Is Forever,
No matter how
Hard you wish,
No matter what
Things seems like.
Nothing
Lasts
Forever.
And I wish now
That I had been
Prepared for
The End of
Our short lived
Forever.
good gracious! i don't know why you...how can you not like this? this is beautiful. it's so heartbreaking. your words typically are! butin a good way. so incredibly deep...i can't and don't imagine whether you do/have live(s) these stories you tell jen. you are amazingly talented regardless as to whether you do go through these things or not. i see you as a great romance writer of some sort, or a gritty drama. teen or adult. it doesn't matter. you manage to stake a claim in both worlds and i applaud you for it. keep it up =)
