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Jen's writing
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Jen
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Oct 15, 2010 01:49PM
Thanks! Its kinda dark, but I wasnt in the mood to write another poem about a girl and her broken heart. so i figured this is sorta different because the reader knows what the situation is.
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2nd Poem of the Day!!!!*Freedom Brings Goodbye*
"Goodbye," is a phrase that brings great pain.
But I guess we must both share the blame.
I realize everyone makes mistakes
And that sometimes our strength breaks.
But does that make what I saw
just an innocent human flaw?
You smiling, staring at her.
Did the thought just not occur
That I might see or hear what happens?
That I would find out about your actions?
You should have just said to my face
You were tired of the run, tired of the chase.
I would have stopped for you to catch me
But I guess we just weren't meant to be.
I guess that happens when you give someone your trust,
They treat it like a coating of dust.
But now we both agree
We are no longer together, we both are free.
omg these two are really deep. u knw, u shld make a blog or sumthin n put em all up there wid pics n evrything. wld b so cool =)
i am working on it, but i dont know what website to use to create the blog. i promise i'll set one up soon:)and thanks again!
Poem of the Day-*Blind*
I see you and I call
But again you do not listen.
Why must you make me feel so small
By keeping your feelings hidden.
So when again you do not hear
When again I see you just don't care
My eye sparkles with a tear
And my heart fills with despair.
I stand there in the open
Waiting for you to finally notice
That I have called, that I have spoken.
But I give up because we are hopeless.
Then as I turn to walk away
I see you step in my direction.
So I think maybe, maybe, maybe I'll stay
Maybe, maybe we have a connection.
But then I look at your eyes peering over my shoulder,
And I look to find her standing there.
And thats when I realize we are truly over.
You will never realize the hurt you impair
On a girl that you have crushed with your lies.
Why did you tell me that you loved me
If a different girl was your prize?
I guess my feelings for you, you did not see.
U cld use blogger. or google sites.and thas another gud one =) LOL, u rite quicker then i rite an article
I love Freedom Brings Goodbye. It brings back sad memories, but it's really touching.
Jen wrote: "Poem of the Day- I hope you enjoy!*Red*
I thought I knew
What you were trying to do.
I can't even imagine
Why I let you be such a big distraction.
My thoughts were that you were tryi..."
whoa jen...i disappear for 24 hours and this is what i come back to? hahaha...i like it. you composed this from a woman's point of view and that's a great feat for someone as young(or as old) as you. *puts foot in mouth* uh....hope that came out right =P
LOL thanks! I wasn't in the mood to write about a teenage girl and her broken heart so i went for a different aproach. I like the way it came out too though:)
jen you sound grown. honestly...you wrote some really deep, heart-wrenching realities. and you can totally turn these into a compilation of one big story. they all involve a broken relationship/heart of some sort. talent...this is talent
Thanks so much! I might do one of those poetry books like "collection of a broken heart,etc" instaed of a short story, but idk
sounds like an awesome idea. i think you should do it. straight up
ok thanks! i think i'll find it easier to do that then a short story in poem form.I dont know if u read *Blind*, but if u did do u like the alternating rhymes or does it seem weird to you?
no, i like the altering rhymes just fine. and it demonstrates your range of style which is good. variety is golden
here's an idea: write a poem that has the same rhyme the entire way through
like (and this is just an example) sky, bye, lie, my, sly, why, etc...? I have thought of doing that, but then i wasnt sure if it would sound good.
yup that's exactly what i mean. challenge yourself. make it sound good
ok so i'll do it for my next poem:) This is 2nd poem of the day:*Ocean*
I take a breath and plunge
Down into the freezing abyss.
I do not struggle against the pull
I do not try to keep the water from rushing into my lungs.
Slowly, leisurely, I float down,
Down into the seemingly endless blackness.
The effect the current has is almost calming
As it soothes me lower and lower into its stomach.
Despite my fearlessness I keep my eyes closed
To the murky, moonlit water slowly enveloping me.
As I continue to sink it becomes harder to stay aware
Of what is happening around me.
This I know means it is working.
In the dark I take one peek and notice the small sliver of light reaching me.
My body is still and motionless as I am pulled further into the black hole.
I grow wearier and wearier the longer I am submerged
And I know I will not be awake for the time I touch the bottom.
And I know I will never awaken from this eternal slumber.
hey i couldn't think of anything! plus i just read a book where the main character commited suicide so i figured i would write a poem on it. dont worry it has nothing to do with me. My poems arent on real life expirences.
o i understand. i was just guessing that that's what the poem was about. kinda reads that way to me. you captured the notion of suicide well, in any case.and don't fret. an idea will come to you at some point or another
oh yup you read it right. Thanks. I just didnt want to be repitious (not sure on spelling), writing another love poem cuz thats what the first one i wrote today was about.
This is an assignment we had for English class. I didn't really enjoy writing it because we had to write about our worst day ever and it had to be true. so here is the link cuz i dont feel like pasting the whole thing here:http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
u mean black hole rite? u rote, whole.I added ur poem to my site: www.muslimteensclub.com. in the poem section =)
opps yes that is what i meant i'll change it rite now:) and thanks so much! Also i created a blog!
AHHHH I KNOW!!!! go to my profile and it will have my website posted there. jennyonthebook:) and srry but i gtg- gettin my hair highlighted ahhhhh!
Jen wrote: "This is an assignment we had for English class. I didn't really enjoy writing it because we had to write about our worst day ever and it had to be true. so here is the link cuz i dont feel like pas..."o jen...this is so sad. i do't know what to say other than im sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. you captured the feeling of sorrow pretty well...
thanks:) i have another lal writing assignment so when i finsih it i will post it here. it has to be a suspense filled story with many plot complications and it has to be a cliffhanger.
Poem of the Day- (I did the all one rhyme thing:D)*Prom*
I look down
and see my ruined gown.
It is not my fault I won the crown
over her, that clown.
Now my blue sparkly dress is covered in brown
and my smile has faded into a frown.
It is hard to keep living in this town
Where crazy, jealous people run around.
W.O.W. I can never rite like dat except:
I have a cat,
she sat on a mat,
after chasing a rat,
that wore a hat,
that was very fat.
mwah ha ha
Jen wrote: "Poem of the Day- (I did the all one rhyme thing:D)*Prom*
I look down
and see my ruined gown.
It is not my fault I won the crown
over her, that clown.
Now my blue sparkly dress is covered i..."
heheh ya that's what im talkin about =P
Thanks! the next one will be better i promise:)
Today's Poem-*Entwined*
As you walk toward me
My heart fills with joy.
Then your arms encircle me,
In a warm embrace.
Next, your lips meet mine
And sparks begin to fly.
You entwine your hand with mine
And walk with me through the crowds.
I look at you with shining eyes,
As your face lights up in a magnificent smile.
Walking with you,
Laughing with you,
Smiling with you
Is a moment I will always remember,
Always relive.
what can i say? what do you think of this?
Well, I like it. but do you like it? i bet u didnt see this coming, u were probably thinking while u read "hmmm now what is this guy gonna do to her...how is her heart gonna be broken..." but then WHAM! everything went smoothly:) guess i was taking a different approach to see if i could write something with a happy ending as well as i can i sad ending?
anyway here is today's poem:Broken
Broken smile
Broken laugh
Broken hearts
Broken trust
Broken deams
Broken wishes
Broken promises
Broken gaze
Broken you
Broken me
Broken us
Jen wrote: "Well, I like it. but do you like it? i bet u didnt see this coming, u were probably thinking while u read "hmmm now what is this guy gonna do to her...how is her heart gonna be broken..." but then ..."of course i like it, jen. but you don't really need me to tell you that do u? i have no criticisms of your poetry because it makes me smile. but even so, as i said once upon a time, i don't write much of it, so who am i to judge, really? im best for the feeling, the emotion, the reality of it all, but not the conventions. just keep doing what you're doing
Thanks! and i like hearing what u have to say because u and kelsie and amina are the only ppl who comment on it so it is nice to hear that ppl like what i am writing.
this is the first of at least 10 paragraphs i must write for an english writing assignment where me must create a lot of suspense and foreshadowing and it is going to be a cliffhanger so what do u think so far?I peer through the broken glass window to check out the scene inside. It is a dark night with no street lamps so the only light I can see by is the moon looming high above in the midnight sky. The long, winding street is completely deserted making this the perfect time for snooping. Tomorrow is Halloween night and my plan is to see how long I can last inside my neighborhood’s haunted mansion, which is where I’m at now. It is rumored that one Halloween, exactly ten years ago, a boy by the name of Luke Smith ventured inside this very mansion and never, ever came back out. Well, tomorrow night, not only am I going to prove myself toughest of them all by following in Luke Smith’s footsteps, I will also survive what others believe to be impossible, Halloween night in the Jasper Mansion. The mansion got its name because the owner’s name was Jack Jasper and he looked even creepier than this legend sounds. He had short black hair, cropped close to his head, pale blue eyes like a husky, grubby, slim fingers, and on top of all that he was the tallest man that ever did walk these streets. If ever you would have the rare chance of seeing him it would probably have been him digging in his backyard with his dirty coveralls, digging boots, and his spade. He was always with his spade. Once I was taking a stroll down the road and passed by Jasper Mansion when I saw him, the famous Jack Jasper. This was the first time I had ever caught a glimpse of him and of course it was when he was digging with his trusty spade. Then, after taking one last scoop of dirt he threw up his arms, still clinging tightly to his spade, and let out a long, low howl. I was paralyzed in place by the scary sight and then as he shook his spade in the air the moon hit it and his spade began to sparkle in the night making it possible for me to get a better view of the five huge holes in his yard and the faint trace red on his shovel and coveralls. After that I made sure to avoid the Jasper Mansion at all costs and went out of my way just so I would not have to walk by it and relive that horrible memory.
well...im not sure where to start. i guess i'll start with your use of detail: great job. i can picture what's going on, no doubt. the creepy element is definitely there.now, you said that this is supposed to be a paragraph, but you have at least 3 different things going on here: the present (looking through the window and describing the surrounding neighborhood); the past (the rumor about luke smith and jasper mansion); the near past ( the main character's encounter with Jack). too much for one paragraph. it needs to be organized differently. it seems like you're cramming the whole story into what should just be a quick yet descriptive attention getter. and not only that, the character sounds nuts for wanting to go in the mansion given the encounter with Jack Jasper. in other words, the first sentence does not match the last sentence. you need to clarify why this character would want to "prove [him/herself] toughest of them (who is 'them'?)" but then as i said, it would be too much to throw on top of what is already given in this paragraph.
here's what i would suggest: just write about the character's knowledge of the Jack Jasper rumor on Halloween night with Luke Smith and the main character's encounter encounter. You can start it something like this: "There's this rumor that started a few years ago with Luke smith disappearing...(put Jack Jasper's physical features in here)...and then something along the lines of: "Then i had an encounter with Jack myself starting with..." then round it up by saying something like "Tomorrow's Halloween...and i've been dared to go back to the mansion again.
i like this jen. it just has a little too much in it and it needs to be reorganized. did you submit this already?
thanks you very much for your advice. after re-reading and re-reading it i wasnt liking the way i organized so i posted it figuring someone would help. I wasnt sure how to state the legend and her encounter and what was happening now so then i was thinking of taking out the encounter-should i do that instead? thanks again for all your help:)
no. i like the encounter a great deal. besides, the character needs to have reason to have been able to describe Jack in the first place
oh and should i break it into different paragraphs or keep it as one with what i have so far? i am thinking i should make one with the legend and her encounter and then make what is happening now a different paragraph? also, with the dialect (do u like the dialect?)i have going now how old do u think i should make the main character?
so now this is what i have:Luke Smith. He is the boy who ventured into Jasper Mansion exactly ten years ago on Halloween night and never came out. A rumor like that can spread far and wide which is how I got dared to follow in Luke’s footsteps. Jasper Mansion is the scariest place on the block with its broken windows, shaggy, untrimmed grass, and the scrawny trees reaching their long branches into the sky. The mansion got its name from its owner, Jack Jasper who looked even creepier than this legend sounds. He had short black hair, cropped close to his head, grubby, slim fingers, and on top of all that he had pale blue eyes like a husky. If ever you had the rare chance of seeing him it would probably have been him digging in his backyard with his dirty coveralls, digging boots, and spade. Always with him was his spade. I remember my first look at J.J, as everyone calls him. Once I was taking a stroll down the road and that’s when I saw him, the famous Jack Jasper. He was digging in his backyard, which I could see because I was on top of a slope, and after taking one last scoop of dirt he threw up his arms, still clinging tightly to his spade, and let out a long, low howl. I was paralyzed in place by the scary sight and then as he shook his spade in the air the moon hit it and his spade began to sparkle in the night making it possible for me to get a better view of the five huge holes in his yard and the faint trace of red on his shovel and coveralls. After that I made sure to avoid the Jasper Mansion at all costs and went out of my way just so I would not have to walk by it and relive that horrible memory, but now I have been dared to go back. So tomorrow night, not only am I going to prove myself toughest of all the kids on the block all by following in Luke Smith’s footsteps, but I will also survive what others believe to be impossible, Halloween night in the Jasper Mansion.
>Peering through the broken glass window I check out the scene inside. It is a dark night with the moon looming high above in the midnight sky shining down on me like a bright spotlight. Trick-or-treaters have left the long, winding street completely deserted because this is where the neighborhood’s haunted mansion sits. It is Halloween night and I am on a dare to spend the whole night by myself in the haunted mansion, which is where I’m at now. Slowly, I stand up, stretch out my arms and legs, and start the walk up the old, creaky porch.
