Q&A with Laura J. W. Ryan discussion
"A Reading" from The Fractured Hues of White Light
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Why is an autistic woman getting married? Well...why not? He asked, she said yes, and she was willing to try to love him...to try to express love that is expected...but it isn't that simple...there wouldn't be a story if it were, right?
This story is about Samantha's struggle for autonomy, she's aware of her vulnerability, and surrounds herself with people who she can trust. Her marriage to Preston throws her off her normal routine... the groove of life that she has cut for herself to function as close to normal as she can get... schedules ruled by clocks and reminders, to vary right or left can set off a Sammy disaster, explosive tantrums or silent obstinance.
It's a groove dictated by the past.
My favorite part in this piece: Sylvester wiping her tears:
He said nothing as he dabbed away my emotions with tender discretion and tucked them in his pocket once he was sure he got them all.
“…until death do you part?”
“I do,” I said with meek shyness, the words spoken barely above a whisper. At least, I think I said it—though I can never be too sure — I better check. My gaze went roaming beyond the veil for a sneak-peek at Preston; he is smiling at me with so much pride, he might pop his shirt buttons. Then I slyly checked Judge Nadine Ardyce who had just made the inquiry regarding my promise that required me to answer, “I do”. To my relief, she’s still tying up the loose ends — uninterrupted by a Sammy disaster, so it seems I actually articulated the proper reply loud enough to be heard. Whew! I’m glad that I didn’t fuck it up, I said what was required of me, and no one had to groan, “Oh Sammy, why can’t you just blah blahblahblahblah blah.”
With a soft sigh, I dropped my veiled gaze to stare at our joined hands; Preston’s large, too perfect hands are damp with nervous energy as they gripped my small ones so tight that it nearly hurt. I wiggled my fingers just a little to ask for relief, but he didn’t loosen his grip, almost as if he was afraid I’d float away if he did anything to relieve my discomfort. Giving up, I struggled to remain quiet — to be good — my overwrought mind wandered along with my gaze away from the intertwined pale pink flesh to look out the window just past Judge Nadine’s left arm. The imperfect old glass with the undulations and bubbles soothed me, I loved the way it distorted the daylight, turning the landscape beyond into pale blue-green abstract expressions.
“You may kiss the bride,” Judge Nadine pronounced loudly; my stray attention returned to silence. It seemed everyone sucked all the air from the room. What happened? Are we done?
Preston raised my veil before I was ready for it; although I twitched, I stayed calm because I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me, this is what he’s supposed to do because we rehearsed it yesterday. What a happy man, he’s just so happy today — I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile so much as I have today; his thin, strangely pale pink lips drawn back from those perfectly white teeth, smiling — oh, happy day! His smile is contagious, so I smiled back. With the puffy illusion netting finally off my face, he bent forward and pressed that wide grin on my mouth. I relaxed just like I have practiced since I first let him kiss me, trying so hard — sohardsohard — so hard to be good as gold. I’ll just let him kiss me — he likes to kiss me.
Then there was applause — how weird, why are people clapping? I didn’t expect this. Are they clapping because I didn’t fuck it up or are they just happy for us? Turning around, I nearly screamed — don’t clap, stop it! But I didn’t, I held my anxious tongue, and refrained from picking up my lace and hauling ass — I’m blowing this popcorn stand — I’m outta here, I want out of this dress — I want — I wantiwantiwantiwant — I want peace and quiet.
Smiling to disguise my unsettled guts, I focused my attention toward the window again, the wavy glass calmed me; I took a deep breath and sighed. Two tears dropped onto my cheeks.
People are surrounding us, laughing and smiling — Whitley, Helena, and Sylvester — they took turns hugging me. Sylvester caught my tears in a hanky that he pulled from his pocket — he understood — he knew — he knows me better than anyone in the whole wide world. He said nothing as he dabbed away my emotions with tender discretion and tucked them in his pocket once he was sure he got them all.
I smiled. Oh, happy day.
***
It's just a little introduction to the main character, Samantha Ryder, and her family...