I am working on publishing my first novel. I have included here the first five pages and a two page synopsis as an introduction to the book. This is the requirement for a contest I'm entering this Friday (Jan. 15, 2010) so feel free to comment, critique, and tear apart. I told an author/teacher friend of mine that this book is my Isaac and I am willing to sacrifice it on the altar of critique in order to become the best writer I can be. Do your worst. You cannot hurt my feelings unless you are less than honest with me.
~~~~
Chapter 1: Shattered
The crowd shifted restlessly.
A wide assortment of individuals and families thronged the plaza leading to a great stone arch. Some cried. Many more wore stoic faces. A small few smiled eager for the event to commence. The arched pulon, ascending above the plaza nearly twenty stories, normally glowed and hummed with magical energy while vast quantities of citizens walked through. At this moment it remained ominously inert.
“Bring the prisoner,” said a burly bugbear wearing the bright trappings of a guard. His wiry black hair snuck out between chinks in his armor. On occasion the metal plates would tear one free as they rubbed together, but if he felt pain the bugbear ignored it.
Another of the guards, a human male, shoved a small girl forward. From a distance she appeared thirteen or fourteen human years old. She recovered easily from the embarrassing stumble the guard intended for her, even though metal fetters bound her hands, and glared back at him. The face had some childlike qualities, but this was a full grown woman of her kind: a paidion. Her soot-covered face still appeared quite attractive to most humanoids. Dark orange hair floated around it. A breeze caught the hair as she straightened to walk upright. It whipped back behind her head, revealing small ears that swept into a point at the top.
“How does it feel to be a cliché?” the paidion asked the guard who shoved her.
“Silence,” he said.
The slender woman shook her head and held it up proudly above her bloodied and dirt-soiled clothes. “You cannot silence all of us. One day the people of Loar will rise up against the rule of the Aeromancers...” her voice rose until the bugbear reared back and punched her in the face. She lifted more than a foot off the ground, sailing through the air toward the pulon. The cobblestones tore ragged holes in her expensive silk outfit as she landed.
A tall human wearing Council robes and a finely trimmed black goatee stood near the pulon holding a scroll. He smirked at the paidion as she clambered back to her feet. Then the bugbear grabbed her arm and half dragged her the rest of the way to the great arch. “I would ask if you had any last words, but I believe you have said more than enough,” the robed human said.
The guards took the woman to stand under the pulon and forced her to face the man with the scroll. Other guards dispersed around the plaza silenced the crowd by brandishing their weapons. The crowed, already listless, quickly complied. Only a few sniffles continued.
Smiling in triumph, the robed man loudly addressed the crowd, a showman announcing the final act of the evening. “There are a number of crimes listed here against you, bard, but only one that matters today. For attacking without provocation and with fatal intent,” his cheek (still bleeding from the woman’s blade) twitched as he spoke, “an Aeromancer sitting on the Council of Wind, Enamethwen Midola, you are hereby sentenced to be thrown to the Void.” He leaned in close and whispered so that only Enamethwen and the two guards heard, “I hope Elmarah finds you out there and has no mercy upon you whatsoever.”
She tried to spit in his face, but the spittle hit an invisible barrier several inches from its target. It floated away in a fine spray before evaporating completely.
The Councilman nodded and the guards shoved the child-like bard completely through the arch. Fear overtook her defiance and the woman screamed. As she fell down below the edge on the other side of the pulon and out of sight her screams almost immediately cut off.
With the execution over the crowd began to disperse. None of them, not even the children, wanted to venture to the edge of the land to watch the bard actually die. Even the guards moved hastily back from the deactivated pulon.
Only the Aeromancer leaned over to watch. Inertia carried the woman down along the side of the landmass for a moment more before the rock curved away underneath leaving her to hurtle deep and alone into the endless vacuum of the Void.
Shrugging he dismissed the criminal. She would no longer bother him…or the Council, of course.
#
Enamethwen’s ears began to pop. The blood running from her nose and eyes began to freeze on her face before it ran very far. Her vision narrowed as the lack of air began to take its toll. The last thing she saw before the darkness claimed her was the bottom of the Island floating in a sea of stars.
Chapter 2: Thief
Night covered the mansion.
A stillness as quiet as the black of the Void haunted the premises. Only the movement of a lone shadow creeping past the picked lock of the front door broke the calm. There was a faint ‘click’. Then no sound. No wind. Everything slept.
Inside the mansion the shadow crept forward. The faint glow of interior light from wizards’ globes sought to reveal the shadow’s true nature but failed. The shadow glanced at the paintings that lined the entry way, paintings of powerful members of the family who lived here. The Riftwinds. Lord Dalgan Riftwind owned the mansion now and headed the House. He also led the Council of Wind, which convened on Pulon Island this week, taking him away from home.
The shadow moved further into the house where the light glowed slightly brighter. There it resolved into a slender humanoid shape enshrouded in dark greys. As the light increased, the intruder responded by increasing his caution.
Hair all over his body began to stand on end as the he passed into the main reception hall. Immediately a spell
Synopsis
The Islands of Loar are the shattered remnants of a planet that exploded two millennia ago. Using elemental magic sorcerers managed to save some of the life indigenous to the planet. They have since turned on one another. The Aeromancers defeated the Pyromancers in the War of Wind and Fire. Hydromancers have become third-class citizens. The Geomancers have mysteriously vanished after shaping the palons, massive arcane gates allowing travel between the Islands. Now the Aeromancers, who maintain the atmosphere surrounding each Island, are the lords of Loar.
Doogan Riftwind, the younger son of the most powerful Aeromancer, runs away from home with a rogue elf, ‘Muskrat’. They meet Amirith Daarcphyre, a sorcerer not bound to an element, and Sareh Midola, one of the bards who subtly stir the populace against the Aeromancers’ harsh rule. Together they find themselves on the Island of Bethairia, where the air grows thin and cold. Bethairia’s lord has been murdered by mercenaries hired by the leader of the bards, Augustian Morrowhope. They defeat the mercenaries and Doogan is able to restore the atmosphere, saving Bethairia.
Thean Layisar, a barbarian clansman from Bethairia, has been given a charge by the Prophecy to leave his tribe. He heads for the Island’s palon where he runs into Marli Nadjia, a half-elf rogue. They free a Pyromancer from Aeromancer slavery after defeating a number of the mercenaries now holding Bethairia hostage. Then the two travel to Fairilund and find themselves in service to Lady Steelguard. Thean and Marli along with a patrol of were-creatures and a sylphon captain under Steelguard’s command uncover a threat from deep below ground from what at first is thought to be a new breed of indigenous monsters. Thean is released from Steelguard’s service after the mission. Following one last adventure he and Marli are teleported by an evil mage into the temple of the evil god, Cedijock. There they are trapped with no hope of escape.
Spenciel Lagrotto, an elfin monk of the order of Amats’el, with a fellow monk, Eregaia, and an elfin mage, Nauni Nindaerun, have been asked to save the tinikean hive from an unknown threat from underground. After several intense encounters with the same monsters Thean fought on Fairilund the tinikeans are wiped out and Spenciel is separated from his friends by a powerful spell.
The young adventurers are beginning to realize their quests are connected and that they must come together to save the Islands. Their enemies, numerous and varied, are working hard to keep them apart and even harder to destroy what is left of Loar.
I am working on publishing my first novel. I have included here the first five pages and a two page synopsis as an introduction to the book. This is the requirement for a contest I'm entering this Friday (Jan. 15, 2010) so feel free to comment, critique, and tear apart. I told an author/teacher friend of mine that this book is my Isaac and I am willing to sacrifice it on the altar of critique in order to become the best writer I can be. Do your worst. You cannot hurt my feelings unless you are less than honest with me.
~~~~
Chapter 1: Shattered
The crowd shifted restlessly.
A wide assortment of individuals and families thronged the plaza leading to a great stone arch. Some cried. Many more wore stoic faces. A small few smiled eager for the event to commence. The arched pulon, ascending above the plaza nearly twenty stories, normally glowed and hummed with magical energy while vast quantities of citizens walked through. At this moment it remained ominously inert.
“Bring the prisoner,” said a burly bugbear wearing the bright trappings of a guard. His wiry black hair snuck out between chinks in his armor. On occasion the metal plates would tear one free as they rubbed together, but if he felt pain the bugbear ignored it.
Another of the guards, a human male, shoved a small girl forward. From a distance she appeared thirteen or fourteen human years old. She recovered easily from the embarrassing stumble the guard intended for her, even though metal fetters bound her hands, and glared back at him. The face had some childlike qualities, but this was a full grown woman of her kind: a paidion. Her soot-covered face still appeared quite attractive to most humanoids. Dark orange hair floated around it. A breeze caught the hair as she straightened to walk upright. It whipped back behind her head, revealing small ears that swept into a point at the top.
“How does it feel to be a cliché?” the paidion asked the guard who shoved her.
“Silence,” he said.
The slender woman shook her head and held it up proudly above her bloodied and dirt-soiled clothes. “You cannot silence all of us. One day the people of Loar will rise up against the rule of the Aeromancers...” her voice rose until the bugbear reared back and punched her in the face. She lifted more than a foot off the ground, sailing through the air toward the pulon. The cobblestones tore ragged holes in her expensive silk outfit as she landed.
A tall human wearing Council robes and a finely trimmed black goatee stood near the pulon holding a scroll. He smirked at the paidion as she clambered back to her feet. Then the bugbear grabbed her arm and half dragged her the rest of the way to the great arch. “I would ask if you had any last words, but I believe you have said more than enough,” the robed human said.
The guards took the woman to stand under the pulon and forced her to face the man with the scroll. Other guards dispersed around the plaza silenced the crowd by brandishing their weapons. The crowed, already listless, quickly complied. Only a few sniffles continued.
Smiling in triumph, the robed man loudly addressed the crowd, a showman announcing the final act of the evening. “There are a number of crimes listed here against you, bard, but only one that matters today. For attacking without provocation and with fatal intent,” his cheek (still bleeding from the woman’s blade) twitched as he spoke, “an Aeromancer sitting on the Council of Wind, Enamethwen Midola, you are hereby sentenced to be thrown to the Void.” He leaned in close and whispered so that only Enamethwen and the two guards heard, “I hope Elmarah finds you out there and has no mercy upon you whatsoever.”
She tried to spit in his face, but the spittle hit an invisible barrier several inches from its target. It floated away in a fine spray before evaporating completely.
The Councilman nodded and the guards shoved the child-like bard completely through the arch. Fear overtook her defiance and the woman screamed. As she fell down below the edge on the other side of the pulon and out of sight her screams almost immediately cut off.
With the execution over the crowd began to disperse. None of them, not even the children, wanted to venture to the edge of the land to watch the bard actually die. Even the guards moved hastily back from the deactivated pulon.
Only the Aeromancer leaned over to watch. Inertia carried the woman down along the side of the landmass for a moment more before the rock curved away underneath leaving her to hurtle deep and alone into the endless vacuum of the Void.
Shrugging he dismissed the criminal. She would no longer bother him…or the Council, of course.
#
Enamethwen’s ears began to pop. The blood running from her nose and eyes began to freeze on her face before it ran very far. Her vision narrowed as the lack of air began to take its toll. The last thing she saw before the darkness claimed her was the bottom of the Island floating in a sea of stars.
Chapter 2: Thief
Night covered the mansion.
A stillness as quiet as the black of the Void haunted the premises. Only the movement of a lone shadow creeping past the picked lock of the front door broke the calm. There was a faint ‘click’. Then no sound. No wind. Everything slept.
Inside the mansion the shadow crept forward. The faint glow of interior light from wizards’ globes sought to reveal the shadow’s true nature but failed. The shadow glanced at the paintings that lined the entry way, paintings of powerful members of the family who lived here. The Riftwinds. Lord Dalgan Riftwind owned the mansion now and headed the House. He also led the Council of Wind, which convened on Pulon Island this week, taking him away from home.
The shadow moved further into the house where the light glowed slightly brighter. There it resolved into a slender humanoid shape enshrouded in dark greys. As the light increased, the intruder responded by increasing his caution.
Hair all over his body began to stand on end as the he passed into the main reception hall. Immediately a spell
Synopsis
The Islands of Loar are the shattered remnants of a planet that exploded two millennia ago. Using elemental magic sorcerers managed to save some of the life indigenous to the planet. They have since turned on one another. The Aeromancers defeated the Pyromancers in the War of Wind and Fire. Hydromancers have become third-class citizens. The Geomancers have mysteriously vanished after shaping the palons, massive arcane gates allowing travel between the Islands. Now the Aeromancers, who maintain the atmosphere surrounding each Island, are the lords of Loar.
Doogan Riftwind, the younger son of the most powerful Aeromancer, runs away from home with a rogue elf, ‘Muskrat’. They meet Amirith Daarcphyre, a sorcerer not bound to an element, and Sareh Midola, one of the bards who subtly stir the populace against the Aeromancers’ harsh rule. Together they find themselves on the Island of Bethairia, where the air grows thin and cold. Bethairia’s lord has been murdered by mercenaries hired by the leader of the bards, Augustian Morrowhope. They defeat the mercenaries and Doogan is able to restore the atmosphere, saving Bethairia.
Thean Layisar, a barbarian clansman from Bethairia, has been given a charge by the Prophecy to leave his tribe. He heads for the Island’s palon where he runs into Marli Nadjia, a half-elf rogue. They free a Pyromancer from Aeromancer slavery after defeating a number of the mercenaries now holding Bethairia hostage. Then the two travel to Fairilund and find themselves in service to Lady Steelguard. Thean and Marli along with a patrol of were-creatures and a sylphon captain under Steelguard’s command uncover a threat from deep below ground from what at first is thought to be a new breed of indigenous monsters. Thean is released from Steelguard’s service after the mission. Following one last adventure he and Marli are teleported by an evil mage into the temple of the evil god, Cedijock. There they are trapped with no hope of escape.
Spenciel Lagrotto, an elfin monk of the order of Amats’el, with a fellow monk, Eregaia, and an elfin mage, Nauni Nindaerun, have been asked to save the tinikean hive from an unknown threat from underground. After several intense encounters with the same monsters Thean fought on Fairilund the tinikeans are wiped out and Spenciel is separated from his friends by a powerful spell.
The young adventurers are beginning to realize their quests are connected and that they must come together to save the Islands. Their enemies, numerous and varied, are working hard to keep them apart and even harder to destroy what is left of Loar.