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Twilight: The VERY Abridged Version
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Yayz!!But you know, Emmett was okay. At least he wanted a bloody ole' fight. ^^
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!11~applauds~
DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So...How's BD going?
Olivia ^^can has cheezburger^^ wrote: "So...How's BD going?"
It's not, actually. I haven't been reading it because I've been hard at work on my own manuscripts. I've got two complete novels written. One has been revised and sent off to a publisher for approval, the other is currently being tweaked and rewritten. That leaves me very little time to read the refuse that is the Twilight saga.
I suppose I'll eventually pick it up again, I just don't know when. Most likely when I take a writing break.
-Ben
I*rule*all (The girl with the beast within) wrote: "Cool, you're an author?"
Aspiring author, actually. I'm still trying to get somebody to publish the first book. We can't all luck out like Meyer and get a $750,000 offer just for an idea. It would be nice, but some of us have to actually have a little bit of talent. LOL.
-Ben
Hmm. This story reminds me of something, a name perhaps, but I just can't put my finger on it. Hmm.
Sisi*The-Non-Abridged-Version wrote: "Hmm. This story reminds me of something, a name perhaps, but I just can't put my finger on it. Hmm."Lol. Good one.
I work for it. ;)Anyways, the main point is, great story. Carlisle the useless doctor. Definitely. And all Emmet did was swear loud enough to wake up a sleeping mutant. (Actually, this really does happen in BD.) Excuse me, mutant is a no, the proper term is Jacob-The-Shapeshifter. Mutants are too cool.
Wow. I wanna see the newest movie.
Okay, if this mini-Twilight-summary was published, it would make millions. XD
Nightshade wrote: "Okay, if this mini-Twilight-summary was published, it would make millions. XD"Lol. It's not what I would call my best writing, but thank you.
Ben wrote: "Nightshade wrote: "Okay, if this mini-Twilight-summary was published, it would make millions. XD"Lol. It's not what I would call my best writing, but thank you."
If it's "not your best" than your 'best', or even 'pretty good' must be pretty damn awesome.
Sisi*The-Non-Abridged-Version wrote: "Ben wrote: "Nightshade wrote: "Okay, if this mini-Twilight-summary was published, it would make millions. XD"Lol. It's not what I would call my best writing, but thank you."
If it's "not your be..."
*flings hand into air* I SECOND THE MOTION!
Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what happened to this conversation. But, whatevs. I liked how Drac (I HAVE NAMES FOR EVERYONE, OKAY?) came in and killed them, a fitting end.
Wonderful! Actually,... just to make sure. *Van Helsing takes Edwards body, cuts off his head and stuffs his mouth with garlic.*
That was the shiz! *huggles* I luff you Ben!!!
Ben wrote: "I*rule*all (The girl with the beast within) wrote: "Cool, you're an author?"
Aspiring author, actually. I'm still trying to get somebody to publish the first book. We can't all luck out like Me..."
I do hate that term. You're either an author or you're not. With writing like that, you better be!
The stalking part was so funny I really did LOL. It was short, to the point, funny, and realistic Great Job!
Twilight: The VERY Abridged Version
by Ben Barrett
Once upon a time there was a girl named Bellaphant who fell in love with an asshole named Emo the Sparklepire. Emo the Sparklepire was a whiny bastard and a recovering heroin addict.
One day they went out to a sunny meadow, where Emo the Sparklepire began to glitter like a disco ball.
"Oh, don't bite my neck yet, Emo," Bellaphant said. "The audience still has three more books to endure."
"It's so hard," Emo replied, twitching and scratching at himself. "You smell like heroin and I need a fix. Besides, nobody really likes you. You're a pretentious bitch with an ironic name."
"Ironic?" she replied.
"Yes, ironic," he explained. "Your last name is Swan, which suggests elegance and grace, yet you're about as elegant and graceful as a cement block."
"Oh, Emo," she moaned, drooling, "you say the sweetest things."
So they moped around and did a lot of pointless garbage that nobody cares about. It was for stories just like this one that DVD players were first equipped with chapter skip buttons.
One day they decided to play baseball in the rain.
"Tell me why we're doing this again," Bellaphant said.
"Because baseball is the American pasttime," Emo replied.
"And that has WHAT to do with vampires?" Bellaphant replied.
"Nothing except to add to the overall word count of the story and introduce a villain that we never bothered to bring in before this, not even to get the reader familiar with him."
That's when Dracula walked onto the field, and boy did he look angry.
"Every last one of you has defiled the vampire legend," he hissed as he stalked toward them, bearing the fangs none of the rest of them had. "We're not even scary anymore because of you."
Carlisle the Useless Doctor Vampire stepped up to confront him, but Dracula just staked him without even breaking his stride.
"Vampires used to be feared demons," he said as he staked Jasper, another completely useless and expendable character. "Now people think that we sparkle and go to the prom. You shitheads undid centuries worth of work in--"
He staked Rosalie, who was a bitch anyway.
"THREE--"
He staked Emmett, who never really contributed anything.
"GOD--"
He staked Alice, because who really liked her?
"DAMN--"
He staked Esme for the fun of it.
"YEARS!"
The only one left standing was Emo, who grabbed Bellaphant and used her as a human shield. When Dracula threw his stake, it stuck into Bellaphant's chest.
"Look on the bright side," Emo said as he threw her dead body aside, "if I hadn't done that, you just would have tripped and fell onto one of them anyway."
Dracula went after him, but Emo used his super speed to dash to the other end of the field. When Dracula went after him, Emo ran to the other side.
That's when Dracula got wise.
On his next trip, he grabbed one of the discarded baseball bats. When Emo went running by him, he swung it with the superior strength of a REAL vampire, which was enough to break it in two. Emo the Sparklepire fell to the ground.
"Just so you know," Dracula said, as he raised the jagged broken bat over his head, "real vampires don't fucking sparkle."
Then he brought it down, spearing Emo the Sparklepire through the chest and ending the Twilight franchise forever.
THE END