This is not The Haters Club You're Looking For discussion
I hate chicks.
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message 1:
by
smetchie
(new)
Dec 27, 2009 06:18PM
I have this friend who's sister died in a horrible car accident earlier in the year. Every time she goes through a rough patch with her grieving process I get an email telling me how I don't give her enough support, I don't respond correctly to her when she wants to talk about it, and that I'm just basically a shitty fucking friend. That sucks, is all.
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Maybe since I suck at doing what I'm supposed to do I'll just be the friend who she can blame. We've known each other for 20 years so I guess I'm a pretty safe target. Hell, maybe I'd rather get emails about what a shitty friend I am from time to time than deal with all that horrific grief. I'm not so hot with the emotional outpourings. I'm more the sweep-it-under-the-rug type.
It seems to work well for me. Everyone agrees I'm normal and a humanitarian.
That sucks, Gretchen! It should improve with time, right?
Gretchen wrote: "...I don't respond correctly to her when she wants to talk about it,...."Oh man, that's rough and no-win for you for now. Sounds like you're her release valve.
And I will, of course. SIGH. Thanks guys.
I'm not so great at visualizations but I'm going to give it a real good shot. Especially since now "everything is fine" and we're going to dinner tomorrow night.
so you will be sitting in close proximity with cutlery? I think you know what to do.
I trust you will do the right thing... And don't smile at me it creeps me out.
Gretchen. ouch! that sucks. If she is so sensitive to loss perhaps she'd understand that she is killing your friendship by repeatedly lashing out at you over something that you don't have control over. Everyone reacts differently to grief and to be help accountable for not being on the spot with the reaction and "support" she hoped for is ridiculous.
It seems pretty obvious that she holding on to her anger with you is letting her hold on to grief that would make her feel guilty to let go of. THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
geesh! that's awful.
I've lost people close to me and I'm STILL tongue tied and confused about what to do/say when someone else is going through it. Death is awful and awkward and making someone feel bad about not being perfect through that experience is just as bad!
UGH!
On a more light hearted note, when I was in jr. high(?) high school (?) my friends great grandmother was in the hospital ON HER DEATH BED and she grabbed MY had thinking it was my friends, HER GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER, and asked me to pray with her. My friend, being nudged me and gave me the most pleading eyes, that I just went ahead and did it. I feel the tiniest bit guilty that I "lied" to someone on their death bed and I feel a tiny bit jipped because I would've loved to have heard what my friends prayer would've been.
Marie, you're the 2nd person to say that thing about her wanting to hold onto the grief because she would feel guilty if she let it go. I never thought about it that way but it does make sense. Thanks for that. And thanks for saying you're also confused about what to do/say. Here's what I'm praying: I'm praying she doesn't want to talk about what a shitty friend I am over dinner tonight. That wouldn't be much fun. I'm not sure I can acquire enough tequila in the space of a dinner to get through that. If I was sitting at the bar, maybe. But not when I have to rely on a waitress to come by and take my order.
Gretchen,I am going to give you some unsolicited advice, knowing full well that people MYSELF INCLUDED usually do not take advice and that my advice is frequently bad but still it will make me feel like I did something in a situation I can't actually do anything about.
TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell her you that you feel awful about her loss, that if you could take back what happened you would, if you could be the one person that was the dream friend, you'd do it but that it's over and the only thing that's happening now is that your friendship is getting worse.
Ask her if there is something tangible you can do, something you can say that will put and end to this era of guilt. If there is, great. do it/say it. If not, ask her to stop.
If she is claiming that good friends are sensitive to the needs of each other allow her to model that for you. Allow her to be "sensitive" to your need to not be portrayed as a bad person by someone that supposedly cares about you.
And then Gretchen, my God, stop going out with her if she can't accept that. It's sad that she had a tragic loss but that doesn't mean you need to be her punching bag for now on.
I could make a list that goes on for days of all the hurt/injustices I felt when my dad died and that would get me - - - - where? more hurt.
If you knew her sister maybe you could offer to go through some of the grief WITH her (sharing memories, hearing her questions/doubts about the events)etc but they should be about her and her sister not about YOU.
Doesn't that all sound lovely? Wouldn't life be grand if you could say all that, if she would listen, and everyone hugged and got on with the important stuff.
HA! RIGHT!
But still, Gretchen her loss is real and fresh and horrible but taking horrible to make more horrible is just crazy.
good luck!
Thanks Marie! I actually did know her sister and I said and did a lot of the above when she died. I also said a lot of those things the first time she got mad at me for not being supportive enough. I told her this time that if she had TOLD me she was going through a rough patch I would have dropped everything, Holiday obligations or no, to do whatever she needed. It's just that I didn't hear a word from her over Christmas until I got an email saying I'm not supportive. grrrrr.But anyway, I think it's all great advice! THANKS!
I have not seen it and I accept my punishment willingly. name the date. just not tonight because I have the DINNER OF DOOM.
Countdown begins. ONE HOUR until the dinner of doom.
I'm here. I survived. I had a lot to drink, though. She apologized and said she was completely out of line and that I actually am a good, supportive friend!
better! thanks for asking. How's your cold?
Better. I think I bored it to death with my day of inactivity.
I had a rather inactive day, myself. I slept until noon! (I've been up late every night.) Then I was on the computer and eating brunch when I saw it was snowing. So I got dressed and walked a block to a coffee shop and sat in a chair and drank a pot of tea and read a book. Then back here to read and go on goodreads. It's completely dark (and beautifully snowy) out and I've been up less than 8 hours.
As instructed, I'm checking out the 'i hate chicks' thread...
Oh, ok, so it's fine for now. Good. I just hope there's not gonna be a repeat.... But her grieving should get better in time, right? So maybe you're safe now.
She said she isn't going to do it again. I'm not sure...
should have aired on the side of caution and stuck her with the salad fork... nobody ever listens to my sound advice.
Servius Sextus Heiner wrote: "should have aired on the side of caution and stuck her with the salad fork... nobody ever listens to my sound advice."Can you imagine the e-mails that would follow that?
**shudders**
no but maybe Gretchen can imagine what the e-mails would say and post them for all of our amusement.
Gretchen,Ok, so I have been thinking about this since we went out to dinner the other night and something has really been bothering me so I wanted to bring it up before it turns into a bigger deal. It really hurt my feelings when you stabbed me with that salad fork. I understand that I hurt you first and was out of line, but I had hoped that you were more mature than that and that our friendship meant more to you. I feel like I'm the only one working on this relationship. I would have thought that you could accept my apology and we could move on but obviously not. I mean, it's not like a HUGE deal or anything. I only bled a little bit and I had a manicure appointment already set up for Tuesday so whatever. It's more the PRINCIPLE of the thing. I just find it incredibly rude and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I have lots of other friends and they NEVER stab me with the salad fork so I don't think I'm over-reacting here. So anyway, I just wanted to let you know about my feelings on this.
have I mentioned that I hate chicks?
OMG LAME! Lame lame lame lame! THIS IS WHY I don't have many girlfriends. DRA-ma.
OH MY GOD. Tell us about the salad fork, please!!!
Sarah are you drunk or just skimming?
I once stabbed myself with a fork. Right in the palm of my hand. It was at a Pizza Hut and they wouldn't give me a band aid.
Did you talk about it with yourself afterwards, Harry?
Oh no! How sad. I thought you really did "stab" her on accident and she took it seriously.
That would have been too exciting. I think it was 'cause I read Nick's last night and yours this morning. Bummer!
That would have been too exciting. I think it was 'cause I read Nick's last night and yours this morning. Bummer!
Oh that would have been too exciting!!! But it wouldn't have been on accident.
In the land of make believe I think you would be a tree stump, Montabers.Also in the land of make believe I think the Gretchen that accidentally inflicted a cutlery wound to an emotionally wounded friend would have followed up that e-mail with a second invention to yet another apology dinner where the imagined wounded friend would receive a far more substantial wound with a steak knife.
this is called build up to the climax, and would be followed by some form of blunt trauma to the frontal lobe, and a dirty shallow grave; and for theatrics that grave would probably be over her rotting sister... you know so they could be close to one another.
It's only sick if I'm the only one that thinks it is a suitable outcome. Judging by your lack of imagination in your rebuttal I am going to assume that the thought pleases you on some level. Besides it isn't as if sisters are in short supply, is it. There are millions of sisters in this country alone. So bringing the two together is kind of an act of compassion. Additionally I left the mechanism of injury up to you, it could be anything available at an eatery table: chair, rack of lamb, bottle of A1, serving platter, high heel, heavy snow boot, bottle of wine*. Your lack of enthusasum tells me you are either:
too drunk to care this evening
don't really hate your "chick" friend
written her off already
afraid that you actually think my suggestions sound fitting; and thus frighten you because of your pacifist hippie ways. At any rate have a happy new year.
*with any variation of contents still in the bottle producing a varying affect such as a large or small bubbly spray upon impact with her head.
Gretchen wrote: "Did you talk about it with yourself afterwards, Harry?"No, I didn't even ask myself about it once! I was really hurt and pissed that I would be so thoughtless.
