New book By Elsie! 🫶🏼

[Elsie]

First off, if any of y'all are reading this, thank you. I want other's opinions, so don't be shy. I would like some constructive criticism. Though I do show this working story to others, I'm afraid they're not entirely honest because they have deeper relationships with me, but since I have never met any of you in person, it'll be easier to be honest.
Boys and girls welcome 😁

This is Chapter One-
“Happy?” a cold, cruel voice sneers in my ear.
It sounds like snakes, whispering insults And curses with anguish. A whisper in the moonlight. It becomes louder, yet still low and intimidating.
When I turn around, it disappears in a dark puff of smoke and floats away from the small alley on my street.
I shudder in my light jacket, the full moon shines, vanishing on and off as the clouds come across. My eyes sting, testing my nerves, but I force all my emotion back as far as it can go, the fear lingering softly and I place my hands on the streetlamp to regain myself.
My head spins, my heart thudding in my chest. I feel heavy. I feel like everything is weighing on me, and I can't fix it. I can't do anything.
After what feels like eternity, my shaking slows and I can breathe again.
I wanted to come out here to take a break from the noise, from the headache, but all I found is yet another problem.
This isn't the first time it happened, though. Which leads me to ask: What did I do to deserve this? To endure it?
“Eleanor?!”


I will make it grow as I read it through to edit, scream, and edit some more, but not until I'm done with my draft.
I'm trying to decide how I would like to start Chapter Two, and if I should switch between characters, but I also want that anonymous feeling.

This is the outline/synopsis that will slowly disappear as the story grows:
I’ve always felt like I’m being watched,
but it hasn’t been real till now
Eleanor Harris’ mother died when she was a baby. Now living with a single and sorrowful dad, who is quickly running out of options., something shifts in the shadows, awaiting for her to notice. And as Eleanor begins to find her true self, she discovers something beside her knowledge. When the bloody red moon comes out from the tree tops, Eleanor isn’t alone anymore, and every horror, thriller and nightmare comes true.
On the other side of Korea, Ryu Lee is dealing with nightmares of his own. Forced by his caregivers, Ryu moves to Texas and finds the one thing that he doesn’t want to be true - that can’t be true.
Eleanor and Ryu must work together to put this nightmare back, or else there will be consequences that they’re not willing to face.

Tell me your thoughts!

[mishalovesbooks]

the overall chapter is quite good and descriptive but I do think in some areas you could possibly shorten the sentences or remove some extra parts that aren't needed for effect and suspense and try and use your description in places where it says that Eleanor is doing something like 'show not tell'. Your synopsis is also really good and gets straight to the point without revealing too much of the book itself which is how it should be. Hope this helps and good luck with your book!!