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Storms of Magic
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Kai's
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Dec 27, 2024 01:51PM
I need your honest brutal opinion on this part of my book! Hold back nothing. But please note, it's not edited yet!
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Later, Elena sat on her roof, looking up at the night sky, the stars winking down at her. A sound behind Elena had her snatching the dagger from her boot, jumping to her feet and whirling around. She was on the intruder in seconds. Tackled to the ground, her knees pinned the person's arms down and dagger to the throat of the figure who dared to try and-her thoughts screeched to halt as she stared into the chocolate brown eyes of her uncle. Noah only smirked up at her as he said, "Jumpy, are we?" Elena breathed a shaky laugh as she stood up, tucking the dagger back into her boot. "Sorry," She mumbled. "How did you get up here?" She asked, sitting back down. She propped her chin up on her knees. "Hmm, I wonder. Maybe the trapdoor that's supposedly hidden? A mystery indeed." He said dryly. Elena huffed, rolling her eyes. "Fine, yes. It's not hidden the best way. But in my defence, i didn't end up finishing it because ivy said it was cute like that so I left it like that for her." Noah just chuckied. A comfortable silence settled between them. Content on just being there. A while passed by when Noah said, "That was a good speech this morning." Elena scoffed dismissively, shrugging a shoulder. "Thanks." She said, giving him a small smile. "It's something to be proud of Elena. It's not easy to gain respect that quickly. But you won their respect today.""All of them?" She asked. "Because I plan on brining every single one of them back to their homes and family. I know better than to hope that all goes smoothly and we'll have no complications." Elena heaved a sigh. Noah laid a heavy hand on her shoulder. How he did that so many times as he raised her. "Do you remember what I told you that day nine years ago?" He asked softly, Elena swallowed as she nodded. "When you get older, you'll be stronger. They call you freedom like the wind." Elena quoted. "And?" he prodded. She frowned, brainstorming everything he's said to her. "I don't know." Noah nodded.
"I also said, 'Out of the darkness, you'll come the farthest, among the hardest survival. Learn from the streets, it can be hard but accept no defeat, surrender or retreat. So, your struggling? Fighting to eat? And you're wondering when you'll be free? Just wait. That day is not far away, so for now you say?" "Noah finishes with the question he's made her answer on her lowest days, waiting for her to answer
"When I get older, I will be stronger. They'll call me freedom. Just like how the wind is free."
Wow... ok, let us know when this is out, I enjoyed the bit you have posted and am intrigued to know what happened before and what comes next. I know you want honest critique, but I have to say that personally I would not change a thing.
Thank you! I will keep you updated hopefully! If you want I could post the prologue here too?
I think it's pretty good, it makes me want to know more about the characters and what's going to happen next, I think It has potential to be a good book
Hafsa wrote: "Thank you! I will keep you updated hopefully! If you want I could post the prologue here too?"For sure, the more information the better. Very keen to know more about this book.
Without any context, it's pretty good and interesting. Needs some cleaning up with editing and some more world building but I like it so far.
@Nat_G - Great, so glad you like this part! Thank you
@Rainbow Unicorn - Okay! I'll have to do it when I get time though.
@MegNisms - Yes, it's unedited right now. And I will handle the world building when I can. Thank you!
Do you guys mind helping me again? Same as last time. hold nothing back!Prologue
Once upon a time, a little girl with one green eye and one blue was sitting next to a river She dipped her feet into the running water A green landscape with lilac flowers stretching out as far as the eye can see on the other side of the wide river. Life seemed perfect in her nine-year-old brain. Until it wasn't. The little girl was walking her usua path home when she heard screams. In the near distance, she could see fire and water being thrown around by her people and strangers. Magic. She thought with dread. We don't use our magic unless it's outright battles! Blood-filled battles Who, why, when? She was running now, her curly brown hair invading her vision. She tied it into a quick, messy ponytail while still running. She was close enough to see the men shouting, swords clashing, and blood, blood, blood. Women were crying and screaming for help while others ran. Fire and smoke filled her vision. She ran as if hell itself were chasing her. Pain sliced her arm suddenly and she fell. Rolling in time to dodge a sword, now buried in the earth. She scrambled to her feet and fled She ran, ran, ran. Her brain filled wild with dreadful thoughts that she prayed were untrue.
Finally spotting the familiar door of her home, she flung it open and screamed for anyone. Small hope lit in her chest when no one answered. Maybe they're still alive? Maybe they left when the fighting was starting? Heart beating unevenly, she searched the house, empty and quiet. Her heart sank when she entered the sitting room. The chair her father always sat on next to the window was knocked over in the far-right corner that overlooked the mountain in the distance. The rable in the middle of the room was broken in half. The room was no longer filled with the warmth and love of her family Scattered books, shattered glass, blood everywhere. Sword markings pointing to a fight. Likely herIt was impossible to say whose blood was who's. She didn't know how long she stood there, dizzy and shaking. Suddenly, rough hands grabbed her and spun her around. She screamed and kicked at the figure to let her go.
"STOP FIGHTING ME!! It's me. Your uncle!" She froze when her brain registered the voice.
"Uncle?" She croaked.
"Yes. It's me." Her knees threatened to buckle but she remained upright as she demanded in a surprisingly strong voice, "Where are they? Where is my family?" The silence that greeted her made her choke back tears. "We need to go. Gather what food there is left, and any spare clothes. Only what you can carry." He told her urgently. It took her a minute to register what he said. After a few seconds, she nodded and did as she was told. Soon, they were leaving the house she grew up in. And she never shed a single tear
Hi there, I really enjoyed reading this, and have a few suggestions, but bear in mind I am just a reader and not an author, and I have been reading this a couple of days now, trying to think how to assist without causing offence or so forth.I feel that there should be a lot more information, emotion and description for the events, drawing the reader along with the young girls flight towards home through a physical and magical battlefield.
1. The following sentence should be more informative, pensive even as she is sitting there peacefully enjoying the beauty of her surroundings and enjoying the feeling of dipping her feet into the water on a hot/cold morning/afternoon, etc... something a bit like, ... She dipped her feet into the running water, gazing at the green landscape with lilac flowers stretching out as far as her eyes could see on the other side of the wide river.
2. Then this sentence... it needs a bit more padding and expanding i.e. She was close enough to hear the men shouting, could both see and hear their swords clashing, and the blood... blood, blood, blood everywhere. More than her young brain could ever imagine possible.
3. This sentence... She scrambled to her feet and fled She ran, ran, ran. This triple word play, so soon after the blood one causes the impact to lessen a bit, I personally would reword it, describing the way she ran as in the terror, the speed, etc and instead of saying ran ran ran, maybe something along the lines of "the distance seeming never ending or something like that.
3. This sentence... Soon, they were leaving the house she grew up in. And she never shed a single tear - this definitely needs to be expanded on, the reasons for the lack of tears, i.e. shock, horror, fear, resolve hardening her heart, etc.
More emotional descriptions during each event are necessary, a young child like that going through such a traumatic event, the emotions will be flying all over the place, expand of that, the readers need to connect with her and be with her during this horrendous journey.
I know this is a draft, and you are still tweaking and will be continuously changing and rearranging things, words, events, etc, but be careful to not totally leap from an event to another, as in the situation
a) with the sword cutting her arm, I feel it needs more human interaction, as it stands it is like the sword was just there, cut her, stayed in the ground and that is the end of it, no mention of the pain and fear, etc.
b) where her uncle comes up on her unawares the sentences could be longer, more emotional and more descriptive.
I have never commented on, read or even critiqued a book in progress or given my opinions and this is so hard to do, as my interpretation might be totally different to your ongoing vision for the story.
Of course of a lot of the descriptions will need to be age appropriate depending on the preferred age of the readers this book is intended for. Rather err on the side of caution. Be overly descriptive, this can always be edited down later.
I hope some of what I am TRYING to say makes sense and maybe even be of a tiny bit of assistance to you.
@Rainbow Unicorn - Gosh, THANK YOU! This is exactly what I was hoping for! You're a lifesaver. Really! I will definitely try and improve my prologue when I get the time!
