Short Query for Feedback - 2nd Attempt

[Lisa]

Query – 2nd Attempt
Having received some useful feedback, I have attempted a rewrite. I acknowledge this is still a work in progress….

Dana has recently become a proud mum of two. Very recently in fact, having given birth to her son just four weeks ago. The usual challenges follow; the sleep deprivation, isolation and forgetfulness. But there are also the reoccurring nightmares and hallucinations. In them, she bears witness to an exorcism of a child.

Believing her symptoms to be the product of fourth trimester stress, Dana worries her postpartum depression is returning, or worse yet, developing into psychosis. Fearful her loved ones will think she is having another ‘episode’, Dana vows to keep the haunting to herself.
That is until the demon gladly makes himself known. Not just to Dana, but to her four year old daughter, Ellen as well.

She is about to discover a near death experience has opened a door between two worlds, and the demon is inching closer.
The malevolent entity came for young Ronald Cain, the child from her nightmares, and it’s coming for Ellen.

Now aware the darkness is not just in her mind, Dana must battle the demon in all its myriad of guises. If she is to keep her daughter safe, she must lock him out of their world for good. But having been exorcized from the Cain boy, the demon is vengeful and determined for another host. He misses his glorious night walks in the young body and carrying out wicked deeds. This time he will make sure he is not confined to one host, when the door is open to so many more.

I am not at the query stage yet (awaiting beta reader feedback, then shelving for a few months to revisit with fresh eyes) But writing the query will help with the final edits.

[Scott]

Hi Lisa,

On one hand, the first two paragraphs have a lot of details. Almost too much, but on the other, they're also sort of vague. The fact that she just had a kid gets glossed over. We jump from depression to psychosis to an unknown threat really quickly. So quickly that I don't know anything about Dana and don't feel any empathy for her. I'd also add that the introduction of the nun steers my attention away from Dana. I wasn't sure who the main character was.

I think the main conflict needs to be more clear. Confronting a dangerous memory is too vague. Are you assuming readers know the origin story? You might consider starting with that event to set the stage rather than breaking the flow of the blurb by putting it in the middle.

Hope this is helpful. Best of luck with it!

[Lisa]

Thanks for the feedback, it is really useful. Having been waist deep in 300+ pages for sometime, it is hard to step back from your own work and reduce it!
The story has a large supernatural element to it, but trying to weave that into the query is distracting and requires far too much explanation. I will instead focus on the main plot/character and flesh out her journey and conflict.

[Scott]

Start by keeping it really simple. Introduce the MC and why we should root for her (empathy), explain what she wants (goal), what's keeping her from getting it (conflict), and what happens if she doesn't get it (stakes). Everything else should frame the story. Anything that doesn't do that is a distraction.
-Cheers!