Query feedback 3rd attempt

[Jacob]

Dear [Agent],

Complete at 78000 words, I am presenting my debut novel The Ballad of Maribel Blake. It is a standalone Adult Historical Romance Fiction set in Texas from 1968 through 1970 and will appeal to readers of Summer Darlings by Brooke Lea Foster for the character growth and complexity.

Life is just as complicated as the people who occupy it...

Maribel Anne Blake is the precocious 16-year-old daughter of Cataline Blake. Mari’s mother is a maneater, the sort of woman who plays men the way a card shark plays a poker table. Mari hates the way her mother treats men, especially her newest beau 27-year-old Norman, which leaves Mari so furious she refuses to call Cataline mother.

Mari is confronted with her mother’s death, which leaves her in the care of a man she has known for two months. Mari recognizes something in Norman her mother never saw, and aspires to be a woman worthy of his affection. Years of Cataline’s terrible example often lead Mari to questionable decisions that hurt the one she loves.

Mari is determined to uncover why her mother became who she was, so Mari can better understand herself. Will Mari repeat the sins of her mother, or find the inner strength to become a better version of herself in spite of the tragic mistakes she makes along the way?

[BIO]

[Jacob]

Lots of views, no comments. Is it that good, or that bad?

[Gifford]

I find myself somewhere in the middle. The opening paragraph of the blurb is very good, but the logline is much too general. I think it could apply to any story that's character-driven.

After the first paragraph, Mari seems to have little control: she's confronted, she's lead, etc. I'd like to see her take some more positive actions.

In other versions, Norman is the mother's husband, so it seems natural that he's Mari's guardian in the absence of other relatives. But the mother's "beau" wouldn't qualify as a guardian.

You also mentioned in another post that the story is a Lolita mirror: I'm not seeing that here at all. If that's the case, it would help to mention it to the agent, and then demonstrate it in the blurb.

Something we talked about before: the introductory paragraph has a misplaced modifier and literally says "I am complete at 78,000 words". You don't need to state the MS is a standalone if there are no further books in the series planned (in which case you'd say "standalone with series potential"). And "Fiction" is redundant, as "Historical Romance" covers that.

So, some good & some not so good. Hope it helps.

[Jacob]

Gifford wrote: "You also mentioned in another post that the story is a Lolita mirror: I'm not seeing that here at all. If that's the case, it would help to mention it to the agent, and then demonstrate it in the blurb."

That helps quite a bit. Thank you.

I am also conflicted about closing with that question. How does that land for you?

[Alex]

The first paragraph and the beginning of the next track Lolita. Then it veers. As Gifford mentioned, a mother's boyfriend wouldn't become a legal guardian, unless you come up with some really clever plotting, which might set the stage for a more intriguing story. The final paragraph reads generic. You might have your character reading Lolita, so that her relationship with Norman develops in light of its plot and theme.