Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Beta reader wanted for a YA sci-fi fantasy query!
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Hi Alicia, The premise sounds interesting, but this sample contains some awkward writing. The first sentence (up to his deceased family) is fine. It tells us what he wants. But the fragment that follows talks about what would happen. If the full thought were written out, it would read something like: If he avenged his family, he could finally grieve. The first part (what he wants) doesn't work with the second (what might happen). They are two very different thoughts.
Same with "a group of magical species." If we thin the adjectives, it says the Viknorians are a group of species. It makes no sense. And: Gov officials would throw them in prison. That's fine, but They die... The second fragment doesn't work grammatically.
There are also a number of odd phases. Earning the role of captain, rather than being promoted. Burned his home into nothing but embers, rather than they burned down his house. People don't grieve them, they grieve for them.
It may seem like I'm being nit-picky, but agents are busy. This small sample is all they will read before deciding whether to reject your manuscript or not. It has to be top quality. Check out The Elements of Style by Wm Strunk.
Best of luck with it.
Thank you, Scott for your feedback! I’ll gladly take what you said in consideration and revise it! ☺️
Below is the non-personalized version of my query.
Dear (AGENT),
I’m seeking representation for my YA sci-fi fantasy novel A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE, completed at 99,000 words.
Seventeen-year-old Nicolas Eissa wants nothing more than to avenge his deceased family, and then maybe he could finally grieve them and find closure. It was three years ago when they had been murdered by the Viknorians, a group of magical alien species. They’ve been on Earth since before his time, having started an intergalactic war eons ago, turning everything in their path into ash and rubble.
When the Viknorians burned his home into nothing but embers, Nicolas had been the only survivor in his village. When he’d found a new home in Belris, the last remaining city in human society, he became a soldier and climbed the ladder, earning the role as Captain.
With the help of his team, the new mission he’s tasked with is gaining intel on where the enemy resides. But these aren’t the orders Nicolas follows. Instead, his crew goes rogue and does what they can to take matters into their own hands: end the unnecessary bloodshed.
Though it isn’t easy with the Viknorians a step ahead, until the crew meets the Koelegians—magical beings who’ve sought refuge on Earth—where their luck might start changing. Through an alliance, the Koelegian Princess grants them abilities, giving them a better fighting chance. But if Nicolas cannot find more support and power to create an army, they risk everything. Their government officials would throw them in prison and torture them if they’re caught, or they die at the hands of the Viknorians.
A SORCERY OF VENGEANCE is a perfect blend of the science fantasy genres, featuring some of the best elements: from dragons and sirens to dystopian futures and artificial intelligence. It also includes a lot of LGBT+ representation. Fans of Laura Sebastian and Ciannon Smart would enjoy this magical and vengeful adventure.