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Query feedback - YA Fantasy
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A bit clunky. A tightened version might look like this:"By the time seventeen-year-old Chance discovers that his stepfather Samael is a literal demon, wickedness has already spread through the community. Worse, Samael has made Chance invisible. Even his mother believes he died alongside her husband five years ago."
What are the stakes for Chance? Why would his allie have any goodwill? What does he have to give up in order to enlist them or keep them on his side?
Also try to minimize passive voice (any statement using the verb is/are)
I would say more active voice and less backstory. And there is something I took away and someone else had something different. Is he literally invisible or does the town just think he is someone else and no one believes who he is? And the half decade, is that from the seventeen or twelve? What time frame is this happening in? I haven't read Six of Crows, but that is a very Victorian setting, but using New York City makes it feel like its a modern setting.
Chance Lucy failed at banishing his evil stepfather. The cruel and conniving demon's magic has long since convinced his hometown, including his own mother, that he died five years ago with his father.
He couldn't even use a Ojiui board. With a botched attempt to summon the spirit of his father, he fell into the grips of Hell. Dragged into a new realm mirroring the skyscrappers of New York; it's bleak and unwelcoming.
This would be an example. At least to me, it makes Chance feel more active in the actions he takes.
WELCOME TO HELL is a YA fantasy complete at 88,000 words. It features a cast of ruthless and morally grey characters similar to Chloe Gong’s THESE VIOLENT DELIGHTS, a devilish setting reminiscent of Kerri Maniscalco’s KINGDOM OF THE WICKED, and the magical, high-stakes hijinks of Leigh Bardugo’s SIX OF CROWS.
It takes half a decade before seventeen-year-old Chance Lucy discovers the truth: that Samael, his cruel and conniving stepfather, is a literal demon. By the time he unearths Samael’s nature, wicked magic has already pervaded the public, blinding people to Chance’s existence at his stepfather’s will. Even his mother is entranced, manipulated to believe her son died alongside her husband five years ago.
After botching an attempt to banish Samael, Chance consults a Ouija board in hopes of contacting his late father’s spirit. But when the attempt goes awry, Chance is thrust into Hell itself. The realm is unlike anything he could’ve fathomed, its urban landscape an eerie parallel of New York City inhabited by demons. In Hell, humans are a taboo topic, their kind seen as monsters to be feared and slain.
To survive, Chance must set aside his malice toward demons and seek assistance from their ranks. Help comes in the form of Hell’s most wanted outlaws and criminals, beings who test the capacity of his trust with each turn. Yet as he’s hounded by corrupt soldiers and murderous rebels, his options run limited. Only through the goodwill of his demon allies—a thief with a guilty conscience, a royal guard turned traitor, an assassin hell-bent on vengeance, and a mysterious manipulator of glass—can Chance evade death and pave a way back home.