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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query > YA Low Fantasy Query Feedback

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message 1: by Katie (new)

Katie C | 5 comments Hello, I'd love any and all feedback on the blurb section of my query letter!

At the young age of ten, Katerina Redwood was chosen by the King of Reih to be his ever-serving Shadow. Nine years later, she’s realized serving as the king’s personal assassin is hardly an honor. But alas, the House of Hands, an elite and secretive unit of the king’s army, is all she and her brother have ever known. As she carries out the dark and mysterious orders of a king who has been slowly conquering the continent, Katerina is far more focused on staying alive than being a hero. However, when her brother is kidnapped by a mysterious rebel group, Katerina must defy the king and race across the continent to find him before it’s too late.

Along the way, she meets a con-artist named Azrin, who, much to her annoyance, insists on accompanying her. As they make the difficult journey together, Katerina must face the consequences of her desertion, keep her past hidden, and stay focused on finding her brother as the truth of her kingdom, her family, and the dark history of the continent begin to unravel.


message 2: by Scott (new)

Scott Sargent | 164 comments Hi Katie,
Is there a way to say something more about Katerina in the opening that will make the reader immediately like and root for her? For example, she realizes it is not an honor, but she does it so she can stay with her brother. If she's doing it for him, there's more power in dropping everything to find him later when he is kidnapped. Also, if her brother is the source of the main conflict, consider naming him.

The phrase "keep her past hidden" seems to contradict the fact that the king's army is all she's ever known. Does she join the army to ignore/forget her past or if she knows nothing as the beginning implies, consider adding a bit about her discovery. When she learns the shocking truth of her past, she must...

"Much to her annoyance" makes me want to ask—why doesn't she just go without Azrin? I'm sure there are reasons in your story, but this isn't the place to explain them. But you also don't want the reader to stop and think about it. It may be better just to say that she is accompanied by an annoying con artist. Cut his assistance and also consider not naming him since we don't learn much about him here.

The last sentence is really long and packed with heavy stuff, but I don't know what any of it means. I can't see how finding her brother is related to an unraveling continent. So, it has no meaning to me. First, consider breaking it up somehow. Second, the only real goal mentioned is rescuing her brother. If she sets out to save him and ends up with a bigger goal, you may want to hint at that as a way of increasing the stakes. What happens if she doesn't succeed?

Hope this is helpful. Best of luck with it.


message 3: by Katie (new)

Katie C | 5 comments Thank you!! This is super helpful!


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