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Out Of Order: A Saga.
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... bench joined in with a booming bass and the sauce bottle and tissue emitted back-up harmonies. The coat was swaying to the strange rhythm so Bella quickly shrugged it off. The "song" (definite hyperbole there!) was like nothing any of the assembled party had ever heard. Sinjin attempted a shimmy and twirl but Lez Lee quickly put a stop to that with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow - a move she had perfected over the years. It was K9Heidi who looked most taken with the cacophany - ears pricked, head turning from side to side. Rodger Dodger, the Yodel driver who had located the hound and was now lugubriously chewing gum (Lez was eying him askance as well), surprised everyone with his insight. "It's a spell you lot. Let it run and maybe ...."
But before Roger could complete his observation, the weird chorus reached a crescendo: “A -wam -bap -a -loom-a- a -wap- bam BOOM!”. There was a flash of blinding light and a loud explosion, and the frightened, bewildered company found themselves in a clearing in a dense, dark forest. Lydia assumed command. “Are we all here and all OK?”. She commenced a head count:
“BJ?” “Here.”
“Hayley?” “Present, miss”
“Sinjin?” “All present and correct, ma’am”
“Ron?” “Yup”
“Gloria?” “You betcha”
“Belle? “Of course”
“Lez?” “I would appear to be here and in one piece, thank you”
“K9 Heidi?” “Woof”
“Roger Dodger?” “Yes, but can I go back please? I’ve still got a van full of deliveries”
Lydia couldn’t see how she could send him back when they didn’t know how they got here, but her thoughts were interrupted by a cry from Lez. She was pointing towards the edge of the clearing where an imposing door could be seen through the trees. “It looks like a building of some sort, shall we have a look?”
... "Hmmm?" thought Lydia out loud ... "I was just thinking that there is a certain underlying theme to so many horror movies ... in that the most dispensable and un-necessary character of the film always walks off first and all by their self into the pitch black darkness of the great unknown and almost immediately dies an excruciating and agonising and gruesome death"
"So, who wants to go first?" ...
“In Star Trek it’s always the crew in the red shirts, “ gabbled Sinjin banking on the safety of his dark blue uniform. With one accord, all eyes in the motley group focussed unerringly on …
…their feet. They were all wearing something red. BJ had snazzy red socks, Hayley was in her red chip shop pinafore, Ron’s shirt was red and blue stripes, Gloria was in red sequins, Lez was carrying a red tote bag for her books, Roger had a red spotty handkerchief peeking from his jacket pocket, Heidi had a red leather collar, and even Lydia had lustrous red hair, which she tossed as she said “we’ll have to think of something else.”
(Can’t edit on my phone- missed out Belle in her red Doc Martens )
"Oh, that's easy, then," said Lez with all the weight of her librarian's authority, "we go with the odd one out. Sinjin, off you go!" Sinjin blanched and looked round for help, or an excuse, or somewhere to hide.
“Hoist with your own petard, I’m afraid”, chucked the librarian, but the blank looks from the others indicated a disappointing lack of Shakespearean scholarship. “”I think she means it serves yer right”said Ron, and Lez favoured him with a mischievous wink, which made him blush. Lydia couldn’t help feeling sorry for her hapless colleague. “We’ll both go, we’re partners after all. This is what I call proper coppering”.
The pair set off towards the half hidden door…..
... only to discover on getting much closer to it that there were several huge signs positioned at three metre intervals on the neat white gravel pathway that led directly right up to the door.The first sign read ...
"WARNING! ... ALL TRESPASSERS, COLD CALLERS, SALESMEN, ESTATE AGENTS AND GROUPS OF PEOPLE ON QUESTS WILL BE SHOT!! HANGED!!! DECAPITATED!!!! DISMEMBERED!!!!!"
The second sign read ...
"HONESTLY! ... YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY DEADED IF YOU DARE TO GO ANY FURTHER!!!!!!"
The third sign read ...
"SERIOUSLY?! ... DID YOU REALLY NOT READ MY FIRST AND SECOND SIGNS?!!!!!!!"
The fourth sign read ...
"WHAT THE HELL?!!!!!!!! ... I AM NOT BLOODY KIDDING YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!"
The fifth sign read ...
"AND THAT ALSO APPLIES TO YOU TOO LYDIA AND LEZ!!!!!!!!!!"
The sixth sign read ...
"OHHH SOD IT THEN!!!!!!!!!!! ... I GIVE UP, I REALLY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The seventh sign read ...
"RING THE BELL, WIPE YOUR FEET ON THE MAT AND WAIT FOR THE DEMON BUTLER TO OPEN THE DOOR"
And the eighth sign nailed onto the door read ...
"ABANDON ALL HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE ... UNLESS YOU COME BEARING GIFTS OF CAKE"
...
After eight warnings Lydia and Sinjin were starting to feel somewhat apprehensive. "Sinjin, you must have something that can pass for food in your pockets. I know you never have anything useful when we need it." Sinjin started rummaging. An old kebab packet, some pickles stripped from various Big Macs, half a tube of Rollos, melted and sat upon, a couple of Lifesavers - it wasn't looking promising. But right down the bottom, wrapped in a napkin bearing the legend "Chum and Typhanee", was the remains of a piece of fruitcake. "I'd forgotten about that" said Sinjin regretfully, "My Nan gave me that from cousin Cholmondeley's wedding last year. She said if I put it under my pillow I'd dream of the person I'd marry. As if! Who wastes good cake on rubbish like that?" "Well, it's not in the best condition and its a bit smelly too but needs must. Smite upon the door as no one's answering the bell" ordered Lydia. "Smite! Whas that mean when it's at home. Don't no one speak them proper English no more??" Sinjin was most affronted. Lydia rolled her eyes and smote upon the door. "Is there anybody there?" In an aside to Sinjin, she proudly explained, "We had to learn the poem off by heart at school. I still remember it all. 'Tell them I came, and no one answered, That I kept my word', he said". "Enough with this poetry lark, if no one's answering, I'm out of here". But just as he turned to make his getaway.....
….. the mighty door creaked open just a little bit. “It moved smidgen. Sinjin” whispered Lydia, “This never happened to Walter de La Mare, and he smote three times. Where’s that cake?”Sinjin guiltily wiped his mouth. “Oh great” sighed Lydia, “I hope the taste was worth it”. “Not really” he replied, “in fact I feels bit sick”.
“Serves you right” said a voice behind them. Lez had followed them up the path. “Why don’t you scoot back to the others? You look a bit green around the gills, and you’re not supposed be here anyway, the signs are a warning to Lydia and me, not you. Besides I have a fresh slice of Victoria sponge here in my lunch box. She produced a Tupperware container from her red tote bag.
At this, the door….
…swung open so quickly that all three adventurers were knocked off their feet by the draught and a long handled picker up shot out and grasped Lez’s cake box before she had time to recover. Sinjin made a wild grab at the box, just managing to close his fingers roynd it before it disappeared into the doorway. “Hey, that’s mine!” he shouted as he was dragged through into the dark entrance passageway. “Let go, Sinjin,” shouted Lydia, as he disappeared. But nothing came between Sinjin and his cake or buns or baps or sausage rolls, or anything remotely edible, in fact. Lydia hesitated, torn between following her colleague and assisting Lez who was struggling to stand, having landed in a large patch of fiercely thorny brambles.
‘Sod it’ muttered Lez, pulling bramble leaves from her hair, ‘I’m a clumsy-ouch!’ She held out her right hand, revealing a large thorn embedded in her thumb. K9 Heidi immediately trotted forward and commenced to lick it, she knew how sore a thorn in the paw was. Lydia decided that Sinjin would have to fend for himself, and turned back to the hapless librarian. ‘We need tweezers’ she said. ‘In my red tote bag’ answered Lez, ‘No offence Heidi, this licking is very soothing, but..’
Heidi understood perfectly. The thorn had to come out, and she was lacking the necessary opposable thumb. It was important to get this problem resolved and carry on with the quest. She had a feeling, call it a canine instinct, that Homer was somewhere nearby.
Lydia found the tweezers and expertly removed the thorn. ‘Now then….’
... Now then ... and what do we 'ave 'ere?!" ... said a very deep and authoritarian voice coming somewhere from within the darkness beyond the slowly opening door ...
"Well," said Lez, "we've re-enacted Androcles and the Lion, now it seems it's time for the Wizard of Oz. Or have we chanced upon James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman?" "James Earl Jones?? Morgan Freeman?? I'll have you know I am the very essence of a British institution!!" the voice bellowed.
"Oh no," sighed Lez, "it's bloody Brian Blessed! We'll never shut him up and we still have to locate Homer. Anyone got any ideas?"
Silence greeted Lez's request, to be broken by the blessed Brian, bombastic as ever, "Come along, now, I don't have all day to wait for you lot. Acceptance speeches to prepare, roles to rehearse!" Bravely, Gloria stepped forward, "Oh Mr Blessed," she gushed, "I'm such a fan. I've admired you forever, Please, would you mind.." she proffered a ...
Brown and battered bent Banana and broken black ballpoint Biro to a now baffled and bewildered, bellowing and blustering, Brian Blessed ...
…”signing my banana please?” she blushed.“I’d rather sign that strapping thigh of yours!” boomed Brian , reaching for the biro.
Gloria, Lydia, Hayley, Belle, Lez and Heidi all fixed him with their most disapproving stares.
Brian took the point. “OK, banana it is. Although I think this specimen has passed peak signability.” He autographed the over-ripe fruit with a flourish. It sort of fell apart.
... as was Sinjin ... also falling apart on the inside with sheer terror as he frantically grasped into mid air and ever onwards into the endless enormous darkness in the increasingly vain hope of finding some kind of a light source ... A switch somewhere on a wall ... or a lamp? ... a candle? ...
Anything to be back in the safety and security of light once again and to be able to see the absolute nightmare of terrors and horrors that might be lurking, just waiting to pounce and may be rip him limb from limb and devour him?!! ... or maybe it was better not to be able to see? ... not to be able to know anything anymore?! ...
And, the worst of it all was, he still had the Tupperware belonging to Lez, tucked under one arm, that he now knew contained the most fabulous fresh piece of Victoria Sponge Cake and yet, for once in his life, he had just realised that he hadn't got a Cake Fork on him ...
As a graduate (First Class Honours) of Professor Prim’s College for Young Gentle Folk, Sinjin was almost incapable of eating cake without a fork. As a last resort, he might bring himself to use the lid as a plate and his exquisitely laundered handkerchief as a napkin but he could not, would not, take the cake to his lips using his fingers. ‘Oh, ‘ he groaned, ‘A fork, a fork, my kingdom for a fork!’ This was not the frivolous offer that it seemed, as Sinjin’s family were the lost heirs to the fabled crown of …
…the Kingdom of Eveninall. (The crown itself was unusual. It had a short brim all round, a badge on the front and was somewhat pointy). But I digress. Sinjin’s heartfelt plea and irresistible offer had not gone unheard. Seemingly out of nowhere, a small figure appeared at his side. Of indeterminate gender, the creature seemed elderly but sprightly, dressed rather formally in a red uniform reminiscent of a Chelsea Pensioner, and thankfully carrying a lantern which enabled Sinjin to view his surroundings.
... and also to see, to Sinjin's huge relief, that the extraordinary figure of the Butler was also holding up a silver salver on which there was placed a very fine porcelain cake plate, a small cake fork, and a beautifully embroidered linen napkin bearing the initials 'BB'"If I may be of any assistance, Sir? Perhaps you would like to follow me through to the Drawing Room?" ...
“Oh, I say, rather!”, said Sinjin, with a gasp of relief, as the thought of the light as a feather Victoria sponge was an exquisite torture, with the temptation to forgo the fork and break the habit of a lifetime was becoming too much for his weakening resolve. Only the recollection of the dreadful fate of his great great uncle Switherin, who had added a sugar lump to his tea without using tongs on the occasion of his second son’s christening and had passed into family history as an Awful Warning, after being …
... smacked very hard over the head with a well-seasoned cricket bat by his long-suffering wife, Great Great Aunt Euphemia, and then sent to Coventry for 17 years by the entire family for such an utterly outrageous and downright disgraceful public display of poor afternoon tea etiquette in front of His Grace, the Most Reverend and Right Honourable, the Archbishop of Canterbury.It would, of course, only have been for just a mere 12 years if he hadn't already tapped his teaspoon against the side of his cup while stirring and then deliberately chosen to have placed it afterwards at a 22 degree angle instead of the correct 15 degrees on the saucer, and also placed it in front instead of behind the tea cup, and to the left instead of to the right of the handle! ... which then promptly caused his Sister-In-Law, Florence, to swoon in a dead faint and slide under the table in sheer disbelief at the unmitigated horror of what she was witnessing.
It also took him almost a year to walk all the way from Coventry to Inverness ... at which point he finally realised that he was holding his Ordnance Survey Map upside down and was still nowhere near the old family estate in Royal Tunbridge Wells ...
... and the now incredibly wearying journey to the Drawing Room through all of the endless reception rooms of multiple Great Halls and various Galleries was also taking what seemed like forever and a day to walk through for poor Sinjin.Each room strangely looked almost identical in every way to the previous one ... each of them containing a huge long empty table as their featured centrepiece with an assortment of undesirable pieces of heavy antique furniture made from the very darkest of woods and fabrics all neatly lined up along the side of the walls above which were hung, only inches apart, at least 3 to 5 hundred very old portraits painted in similar sinister shades of muddy and murky brown and grey.
In fact the only really remarkable thing to be noted about the portraits was that the people in them were all particularly plain and uniquely uninteresting looking individuals whose names and nature of relationship to the same Family Tree had long since been completely forgotten, lost forever in the realms of history, never to be remembered again.
The elderly Butler however continued to keep up a very brisk and spritely pace ahead of Sinjin occasionally stopping only to open up yet another door and politely usher Sinjin through into yet another room.
Finally though, it seemed they had reached their destination and, after producing a large ornate key from his waistcoat pocket, the Butler placed it in the lock, turned it, and pushed open the door. Then he gave a grand ceremonious flourish of one arm to guide and encourage the now rather reluctant and wary Sinjin within.
"Please be seated, Sir. The Master will be with you shortly"
And with that he gave a very low bow followed by a quick click of his heels, placed the Lantern on the centre of the Coffee Table, and stepped backwards into the Hall outside the doorway ... and completely vanished back into the pitch black darkness that he had previously emerged from.
Sinjin gulped nervously and tentatively made his way further into the Drawing Room while still clutching on tight to the now extremely precious Tupperware container with it's even more precious Cake contents. Just as he placed it down on the Table, he felt an immediate sense of sheer panic once again as he heard the door close behind him and the unmistakeable sound of the key being turned in the lock! ...
...meanwhile, those left behind outside the building looked at each other in consternation as the door slammed behind the hapless Sinjin. "Typical," scoffed Hayley, "Trust a man to follow his stomach when there's a mystery to solve." She had no great patience with men, having just emerged from a somewhat fraught relationship with someone who not only found food more interesting than their love life but also turned out to be married to a tv chef. Hayley had only discovered this distressing fact when thumbing through 'Hi' magazine at the dentist. Her toothache was forgotten when her eye was drawn to a photo of her inamorato, plus celeb wife the chef, at the head of an article on their idyllic long distance partnership. Now Hayley understood why his gifts to her had been kitchen equipment, a pestle and mortar, a mandolin, a recipe book, rather than the flowers, perfume and chocolates she preferred. But this was no time for repining for a lost love, so catching Lez's gaze on her, she straightened her shoulders, took a deep breath and promptly ...
…fell over. The others rushed over to help her. “Are you OK?” asked BJ, gallantly(he hoped) helping her back up. “I’m fine” she said, brushing moss and grass off her pinafore, “ I think I tripped on something”.
They all looked down, and Roger said “Look! Is that a door knocker? I’ve seen a few of them in my time. I usually ignore them though, in case someone answers’.
They all stared in silence at a large metal ring protruding from the undergrowth, glinting on the sunshine.
“That’s not a door knocker” said Gloria, “if I’m not mistaken, which, you know,, I’m not, there’s a trapdoor behind it and if we give it a pull….
They took turns, but no one could move it. Even Heidi had a go. “Wait a minute”, said Lez, maybe we’re actually standing on the trapdoor”. Everyone felt foolish, and began clearing away the undergrowth around the ring.
They soon revealed…..
... a large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ..."Who on Earth installs a large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... ?!" ... exclaimed Bella in utter bewilderment.
"I don't know?" ... said Roger scratching his chin as though in deep thought ... "You tell me. Who on Earth DOES install a large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... ?!"
"Hmmm? ... it's definitely not all that often that you come across a ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... and especially one with an embossed large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover?" ... ruminated Hayley out loud but to no-one in particular.
"Yes, it's certainly VERY strange indeed, isn't it? It appears it really IS a manhole cover. And it really IS large and round and mysterious looking?" ... agreed Gloria.
"You forgot to mention it is made of heavy black metal and it's embossed with the words "Secret Entrance". Oh, and there might well be a Spooky Cellar on the other side of it" ... added BJ helpfully (as he was still hopefully trying to be gallant even though he couldn't quite remember exactly what being gallant entailed)
"Yes BUT does anyone else REALLY think that this large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... actually COULD be a Secret Entrance to a Spooky Cellar?" ... queried Lydia.
"Woof?! ... woofity woof-woof woof manhole cover?! ... woof "Secret Entrance" ... woof "Spooky Cellar" ... woofity-woofity woof-woof-woof!" ... added Heidi thoughtfully.
"OHHHHHHH GOOD GRIEF!!!" moaned Lez as she sank down on her knees under a nearby Tree and put her now aching head in her hands to try to somehow shake off the headache that she was in imminent danger of developing ... "Can we PLEASE, for the LOVE OF ALL THINGS CAKE! just STOP endlessly repeating that it's ... "a large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... and GET ON WITH THE BLOODY MISSION!!!"
"Oooooooh-Errrrrrr! Get her!" ... smirked Roger in his best (and also surprisingly successful) attempt at an old Carry On Film impersonation.
Everyone glared in exhausted frustration at each other ... apart from Heidi who was now contently wagging her tail with relief while liberally christening the trunk of the Tree that Lez was sat under.
No-one and no dog had noticed that the large metal ring had already started, seemingly all by itself, to ever-so-slowly but surely turn round ... and round ... until there was a sudden loud clang sound and the large round mysterious looking heavy black metal manhole cover embossed with the words ... "Secret Entrance to Spooky Cellar" ... began to open!!! ...
‘It’s the evidence bag’ she whispered, ‘the one with the handkerchief with the fragment of Chaz in my inner coat pocket’. The others cautiously drew nearer, as the buzzing grew louder. ‘I can feel it moving’ said Belle with a feeling of mounting panic, ‘I don’t like this one little bit’ . Just then, the ….