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Out Of Order: A Saga.
message 51:
by
Val
(new)
Jan 26, 2024 04:53PM
"He turned into a bottle of HP Sauce???" Her mind was racing now. It was a couple of days since the music festival and the couple of Es. Surely this couldn't be delayed effect? Had her Weetabix tasted strange this morning? What about that weird bloke in copper's uniform who had stormed into the chippie earlier demanding food in some language she'd never heard before? Did she dare pick up the sauce bottle? What if it had magical powers? Hayley looked around to see if anyone else had noticed Chaz's disappearance. The odd assortment of characters in this tableau seemed oblivious. Except for the lad in the white suit. He was also looking in awe at the vacant space formerly occupied by his tormentor. His eyes met Hayley's and her confused face melted his heart. here was his chance. He picked up the HP bottle and ......
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….carefully wiping Homer’s saliva off it with the sleeve of his white (ish) jacket, proffered it to the bewildered Hayley. ‘Yours I believe?’ He said with a smile he hoped was winsome. Hayley was startled. ‘We were just good friends’ she muttered, staring at the bottle. ‘ I just meant I think the dog stole it from your chip shop’ said BJ. Hayley blushed, feeling foolish. Of course Chaz hadn’t turned into a sauce bottle, but where the hell was he?
message 53:
by
Bangkok Shocks, Saigon Shakes, Blastronaut Rocks..
(last edited Jan 27, 2024 06:46PM)
(new)
"Willkommen Englischer Hund!" echoed slightly and brought Chaz fully awake on a damp cold floor with a splitting headache. Was this some kind of dungeon? Standing over him and presumably the owner of the voice was a tall thin figure dressed in a sleek black uniform complete with jackboots. Adorning one arm was a red band displaying a swastika and was that a death's head on his officer's cap? "Sie sind weit weg von zu Hause" he added. Was that the sound of large four-engine propeller planes Chaz was hearing overhead? Bombers? Oh no this can't be happening, he felt like crying for his mummy. How can this be? He was suddenly assaulted by freezing cold water - a bucket full. "Get up, get up, schnell!" yelled the SS officer, and then quietly - "Be glad that you lost consciousness at the point of being taken, Englisher. Many have not been so fortunate and as a result of witnessing the leap, they emerge at the other end a slavering, quivering, bleeding wreck, stricken blind, deaf and mute. Beings who are of no use to us are immediately euthanized. Soon you might wish you were. We shall see. There was movement beyond the light cast by the single bulb and to them the officer commanded "Take this one to Professor Boris Von Johnshoen in Room 5" and then to Chaz "When he starts reciting ancient Greek poems to try to prove that he really DOES have brains betrayed by his looks... try to look interested.. lest he attempts to perform experiments upon you that are well above his pay grade"Terrified, Chaz didn't like the looks of the silhouettes emerging from the shadows. He liked even less that slippery, squelchy sound they made as they approached. And as they approached, the smell they brought with them was the worst of all! He did as he was told and went along when they gestured.
Chaz was holding his breath so as not to inhale the foul stench of the slimy creatures who were shrieking excitedly and spitting gobs of something grey and lumpy as they escorted him along a corridor whose walls seemed to be sweating as they bulged inwards. Luckily it was a short journey, and Chaz could breathe again, as the creatures disappeared after depositing him in what he took to be some sort of laboratory. Transparent jars in shelves around the walls displayed various hideous specimens the like of which Chaz had never seen before. All he knew for certain was that they were very, very dead. Large pots bubbled noisily in the centre of the room, and steam rose into the air. To one side was a long table with a cloth covering …something. Chaz shuddered, then jumped as a voice behind him boomed ‘Well now, what have we here? Fresh blood?’Chaz turned and beheld….
Mr Blobby. Yes, the huge pink blob, the yellow spots, the electric green eyes, it was all there. The first thing that flashed into Chaz's mind was how come he looks so pristine in this chamber of horrors? The room was uniformly grey and muddy. Totally bereft of any colour, and the smell ...... it was an assault on every sense. Chaz could feel the vomit rising in his throat, the tears flowing from his eyes and his mind crying out for Mummy. "You're the guy who puts the do in do or die, so what's it to be?" intoned the garish figure, "do or die?" "You speak?" croaked Chaz. I said "DO OR DIE?" yelled Blobby. Through a veil of snot, tears and rising bile, Chaz managed to reply........
‘I don’t want to die, I’m only young and I just met my dream girl. So I suppose it’s a ‘do’, although I’m a bit nervous about that. By the way, you look familiar -didn’t you used to be the Prime Minister?’Mr. Blobby made a noise which might have been a laugh. ‘That was my brother. We do look rather alike, in fact we’re often mistaken for twins. To be honest, though, he’s a bit of a clown. I’m generally acknowledged to be the brains of the family. And talking of brains, come over here, and try not to dawdle, what happens to you will happen whether to drag your feet or not’.
Mr Blobby gestured towards one of the transparent jars which Chaz had noticed earlier. Chaz approached with no little trepidation, and peering into the jar…
… he saw only his own reflection, distorted by the shape of the glass and a greenish yellow from the colour of the faintly bubbling liquid which the jar contained. Puzzled, he turned to Blobby, ‘There’s nothing to see,’ he said, ‘what am I supposed to be looking at?’ ‘What? exclaimed Blobby, ‘It should be full of them! Don’t say they’ve got out!’ He rushed across to check the contents of the jar, knocking over two others in his haste. ‘Oh! Oh! What have I done?’ he moaned, scrambling to collect the writhing contents as they landed. ‘They’ll be so dangerous now that contact with the air has woken them up.’
Chaz took the chance, while Blobby was preoccupied, to start edging back towards the door. Just as his groping fingers made contact with the door knob …
..he felt something warm and moist on his hand, almost as if something was licking it. ‘What fresh hell is this?’ He wondered, slowly looking down. And there he beheld none other than Homer, who had now sat down and was offering a paw. ‘How did you get here boy?’ he whispered, careful not to alert Blobby who was still flapping around after the jar escapees.Homer would have liked to explain, but he wasn’t entirely sure of the answer, and anyway he couldn’t talk. Instead he indicated with body language that they should make themselves scarce, and they both headed swiftly back along the sweaty, bulgy corridor.
The only drawback to this plan was that it led straight to the quarters of the SS Officer.
‘There must be some other way out of here’ said Chaz ‘What do you think,boy?’ Homer thought it was just as possible that there wasn’t, but that if anyone was going to find another exit, it was probably him.
Man and beast headed back the way they came with Homer pausing just once to sniff at what looked like an air conditioning grill or possibly even a hatch. Large enough to admit, not just animal but human too.... but Chaz was of the mind that 'Entry' also meant 'Exit' SS officer or not. They reached the still-open door but the cold damp dungeon-like room was no longer. The chamber had an appearance that reminded Chaz of something but he'd surely never encountered a place such as this. A large window looked out upon a galaxy.. and one that he was certain wasn't the Milky Way. Was this a space ship now? A space station even?? In the gloom he registered movement as some large throne-like affair turned 180 degrees to face them but it was too dark to get a good look its inhabitant. A gnarled hand crept into the light and tapped upon an unmistakable bottle of condiment. "You want this?" chuckled the hidden figure. A fan of the Star Wars films, Chaz wasn't surprised to hear the question but the voice? It hit him a moment before a notorious countenance appeared as he leaned forward "Feel the anger and embrace the dark side!" said Donald Trump... "Kneel before me and join The Mighty Babson... or you can take your chances and try taking the sauce from me"....
message 60:
by
Bangkok Shocks, Saigon Shakes, Blastronaut Rocks..
(last edited Feb 12, 2024 10:05PM)
(new)
.... Chaz played for time, and besides... he had an idea. "Let's do a deal!". "NO DEALS" shouted the former president no doubt delighting in his new position as Sith Lord and general to Babson. Make your choice or I'll fry you on the spot with this electric like shit that I can shoot outta my hands!" Trump never failed to boast of his new found powers and was constantly experimenting with new combinations on unsuspecting prisoners and even low ranking servants. Something the 'All Knowing' Babson had missed was the fact that his latest general's ego was second to none. None anywhere in the whole universe could possibly hold a torch to the sheer arrogance of the Trump... and this made him dangerous. Babson had indeed never seen any being before harness so much of the dark side's power... and so quickly. Babson possessed unlimited power and knew no equal so had become apathetic over time and careless about security. His own ego was of no small proportions. His Trumpness was already considering a showdown. If those documents of Babson's he'd borrowed and secreted within his quarters were found.. or God forbid his bank statements....Running out of time, Chaz blurted "But I can give you the guy! The original target!! Just send me home and I'll have him in your hands in a jiffy. I'm not of any use to you but BJ..... he's obviously important". Trump paused in the act of raising his hands (already tendrils of what appeared to be tamed.. controlled bolts of lightning were forming and circling his gnarled hands) and pondered what had just been said. Maybe this kid had a point....
..after all, a mistake had been made, and even though Trump could see little to choose between one white trash youth and another, it obviously mattered to his master. The error had been compounded when a second kidnap attempt resulted in the appearance of a mangy dog. This could be his chance to redeem himself, and it was vital for his long-term ambitions for him to seem to be a loyal and efficient servant. ‘ Come over here, my boy’ he whispered hoarsely with his most oleaginous smile, ‘here’s what going to happen’.Meanwhile, back in the park, Lydia, Sinjin, BJ, Hayley, Gloria and Ron had just given up on a thorough search for the missing lad and dog. They had looked under bushes, behind trees and down drains, but the pair had simply vanished. ‘What now?’said….
… Sinjin, appealing, as ever, to others for an initiative. He was a born subordinate, loyal, persistent, even brave but completely lacking in ideas of his own. Lydia sighed, thinking that she was going to have to come up with something but to her surprise, BJ gave a whoop of delight, pointing up into the branches of a big old oak tree near the middle of the park, ‘Look, everyone,’ he shouted excitedly, waving his arm at a branch several feet above their heads. ‘Can’t you see it? Look, just there!’
And behold before them was an illuminated tableau. The centrepiece was a much mangled bottle of HP Sauce poised over a bed of ratty chips. The remains of a couple of kebabs stood guard on either side and the whole was encircled by conjoined saveloys (or so one guessed). "Yuk!" was Lydia's immediate response but the rapt look on BJ's face suggested there was more to this apparition than one might assume. "I've seen this before" said BJ. "In order for it to work its magic we just need.......
……’to calm down and think about it’ interrupted Hayley quietly from behind him. ‘Of course you’ve seen it before, it used to hang over the door of the chip shop. It was stolen a couple of weeks ago, and obviously it’s been badly vandalised. My uncle Damien made it, and it was his pride and joy. This will break his heart’. A tear rolled down Hayley’s cheek, and BJ slipped a comforting arm round her shoulder. He felt a bit deflated, but the chance to get closer to this lovely young woman took the sting out of his disappointment. ‘You may have a point, though, lad’ said Ron, stroking his chin thoughtfully. ‘There’s been a lot of this sort of thing in the park lately. Last week it was the sign from The Frog and Sprocket pub. We found it upside down and badly dented in the lake. The Frog had stated to rust.’ Ron shook his head sadly, then brightened. ‘But Dom from The Repair Shop is working on it as we speak. Then there was the ‘Curl Up n Dye’ hairdresser’s sign …’ He was interrupted by …..
If anyone fancies contributing to a bit of daftness, (Val already does) there’s a thread ‘Out of order, a saga’ which would welcome new contributors. As said, it is lighthearted but we all need a laugh …
Did you mean to post this in Snails, Isabella?
Yes, I did, no cheese. Put it down to age … 😕
Gloria. "You're right, Ron, there's been a spate of these incidents lately. I had a hell of a time restoring that pottery shop sign, Kilning Me Softly, and I was horrified by what they did to my old friend Doner Summer." BJ was determined to enhance his chances of winning Hayley so he jumped in with "But couldn't we do something to restore it? That liquid concrete the benches were sitting on could be used to embalm the manky food and Gloria seems to have some great nail varnish colours if her talons are anything to go by." Gloria started to bristle at "talons" but Ron placated her with "Brilliant aren't they? You'd be a saint if you could lend us some Gloria? And what about that hazard tape? Surely we could find a use for that?" Everyone started to bustle about collecting materials. Only wet blanket Sinjin seemed at a loss. "But will it bring that other oick back?" Hayley's eyes opened wide. BJ wanted to put this idea to rest and quickly. "What about we.....
…get the sign down from the tree, then we can work on it more easily?”“Good idea, up you go young man,you can hand it down to us”. It was Lydia speaking, and with such authority in her voice that BJ immediately hoisted himself into the branches of the oak tree. He reached the garish chip shop sign with little difficulty, but found it was wedged firmly where a thick branch met the trunk. He started to yank at it with gusto, hoping that Hayley could see, and be impressed by, his efforts.
Back on the ground, Lydia was pondering aloud “There has to be some connection between these vandalised shop signs and the disappearance of the lad and the dog. If I could just figure out how they’re connected”.
Meanwhile, BJ suddenly freed the sign from the woody embrace of the oak tree - rather too suddenly, as he lost his balance and the sign slipped from his grasp and tumbled down through the branches, landing with a sickening crash on…
…..a dazed and confused Chaz. The others stared at him while he extricated himself from the remains of the chip shop sign ‘Where were you?’ asked BJ, who had landed on the grass shortly after the sign and was now dusting himself off. ‘We looked everywhere’.
‘Long story’ Chaz said, looking slowly round the group.
‘We’ve got time’, Lydia folded her arms and gave her best police officer stare.
Chaz began ‘I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the..’
‘Come off it mate’ scoffed Sinjin, ‘We’ve all seen Blade Runner’.
Chaz decided to try to play for time. ‘Which was better, the original or the sequel?’’
The group immediately launched into an animated discussion, with
each film having its champions.
Chaz sat quietly, he had a job to do, a job he did not relish. And so far no one had noticed that the dog was still missing ……
Been looking for the dog. Tried the RSPCA, the PDSA, the police, the local dog's home, finally found it in the Book of Revelation. Difficulty is, that it's been enchanted and is now part of the illuminated carpet page in an old manuscript copy of the Bible. It can only be released by BJ in person and if Chaz tricks BJ into Trump's clutches, he won't be able to help the dog and without the dog ...
Isabella, aka detective sergeant Belle Morse, related her tale to Lydia. ‘That was some impressive detective work’ Lydia said with just the trace of grudging admiration. ‘We need to neutralise Chaz somehow, then bring BJ and the manuscript together so that he can release this Very Important Dog.’ She looked thoughtful. ‘What exactly is so important about the dog anyway? Does he have a super power? And where is this manuscript?’‘His name is Homer’ said Belle ‘and as you know this was the name of the author of The Odyssey’
‘Really? I thought he was Bart’s dad’. Sinjin had tired of the Blade Runner controversy and had joined the conversation. Lydia and Belle rolled their eyes. ‘So will we be going on an odyssey? How exciting!’ he cried, although he wasn’t at all sure what that was.
‘Sh! Keep you voice down’ hissed Bella ‘don’t let Chaz hear you. But yes, we are going on an odyssey to find Homer ( the dog, not the poet or the cartoon character), and release him from his parchment prison. But first we need to deal with Chaz. ‘
.
Chazuke ... a simple Japanese dish made by pouring green tea, dashi, or hot water over cooked rice. A great way to use up leftover rice as a quick snack."I'll put the Kettle on" said Polly ... aka 'the Dolly with the Tea Trolley' ...
"Thank heavens," said Belle, "do you have matcha?" "You betcha life I do," responded Dolly with the dimples. "Well we'll need an extra strong brew for Chaz. That coupled with chazuke should neutralise him for long enough for us to ........."
…figure out how to get this odyssey to find Homer under way.”“Chaz mate” called BJ, “you must be thirsty. One lump or two?”
“I’m parched” nodded Chaz, “this intergalactic space travel lark doesn’t half make you thirsty. Milk and two please”.
Dolly and Belle exchanged knowing looks and shuddered. Matcha and Chazuke already had powerful potential, but no one to their knowledge had treated it like common or garden builders’ brew. Who knew what might happen? Dolly shrugged, added the milk and sugar and handed the cup to Chaz. Everyone held their breath as he raised it to his lips….
... and at this point, my dear Readers, may I suggest you would probably benefit greatly from sitting down in your chair, putting your seatbelt on and bracing for impact by assuming the well-known emergency crash position.1. Tuck your chin down and bend forward. Check that your seat belt is buckled and is tight across your lap. Then, lower your head so your chin is near your chest and bend your whole body forward as if you're rolling into a ball. Drawing your head down prevents your head from jerking back suddenly.
2. Press your head against the seat in front of you. Then place your hands on the back of your head and tuck your elbows close to your sides. Putting your head up against the seat that's in front of you will cushion any impact.
Remember, it's really important to bend forward so you reduce the distance between your head and the seat in front of you. Don't sit up in your seat and just bend your head over or you could really injure yourself.
3. Keep your feet flat on the floor with your legs tucked slightly rearward. To protect your legs and feet, plant your feet flat and pull your legs back so your feet are right below your knees. Don't stretch your feet in front of you, even if you keep them flat. Your legs will continue to slide forward so you want them as far back as possible when you brace.
If you don't have a seat in front of you to press your head against, don't worry! It's also acceptable to bend forward as much as possible and grab your lower legs instead of putting your hands on the back of your head. Don't bend forward and stretch your arms out in front of you. You want to draw your limbs in close so you don't flail. Keep your feet flat on the floor and remember to tuck your legs back so they won't slide forward as much.
I would also suggest it could be a very good time to take a few seconds to close your eyes and mentally review whether your Will & Testament also includes the latest revision on who will inherit your highly prized antique collection of Asda and Iceland Bags For Life ...
Oh glory! I completely forgot the Bags for Life! I remembered the piles of carefully washed (and sorted for size and colour) plant pots in the Shed but the Bags! Oh, the Bags! What to do? If we crash, I may be fatally injured. If we don't, I may be light years from the Shed. Is it possible to sign up to social media and make a holograph codicil in the next few minutes? The tea is already looking strange, how can Chaz not be aware that he's about to drink from a cup that says "Best Dad in the World" which is turning itself into a coded message reading ...
"Lad, Don't Swither Be" - the famous advice given by Jimmy Logan in his song of the same name. "Swither" could have been Chaz's middle name as he was easily dazed and confused. He turned to Sinjin who was cast from the same mould and thus no help. Chaz found himself swithering this way and that before he ......
Suddenly exploded into a million billion zillion pieces ! ! ! ...
"Well that's one way to get rid of the problem" said Lydia calmly. "Now it's just the matter of getting BJ and the manuscript together and releasing Homer." She sat down on the nearest bench to mull over this problem. Big mistake!
As Dolly with the Tea Trolley noisily trundled off into the distance, a minute piece of exploded Chaz drifted over in the light breeze to rest by Lydia's foot. It flickered and then began to dazzle like a small speck of glitter reflecting in the sunlight and slowly floated up to her eye level and teeny tiny weeny voice said ... "Hey?!! Now I'm out of order too!!!" ...
Quiet as the voice was, Lydia jumped in shock. "What? Who? Where?" she cried, disconcerted, her explosion of breath propelling the shining speck towards the open window of the pavilion that overlooked the bowling green at the centre of the park. "Hey, watch it!" cried the teeny weeny voice, "I don't want to stay like this, floating round at the whim of any stray zephyr." Lydia was dumbstruck that Chaz would know such a word, let alone use it. BJ , however, kept his head and managed to capture the sparkling speck with his beautifully laundered handkerchief, a relic of his mother's commitment to old-fashioned gentility. "Right, then, he said, carefully handing the piece of cloth to ...
Belle who very carefully inserted it into one of the many Police Evidence Bags she liked to keep in her hidden inner coat pocket for exactly these kinds of everyday totally random and extremely bizarre situations. You don't get to become a Detective Sergeant without always needing to be fully prepared for anything she thought to herself, However, if she was to be completely honest, she had to admit that this particular case was becoming a lot more random and even more extremely bizarre than all of the other cases she had previously investigated and she was now struggling to work out how to apply all her Police training and experience to solving the mystery of ...
... the missing dog. She had no idea why this mangy cur should have any significance whatsoever and how and why he had been trapped in an illuminated manuscript was something that had never appeared on the syllabus at Hendon. Perhaps this was the time to turn to the local library. Those library types seemed to hold the answers to any number of secrets and she'd heard that one of the older heads, Lez Lee, could always be relied upon to .....
share her love of good Grammar and a generous takeaway portion of King Prawn Curry at Christmas time ...(Awww, Lez Lee ... we will always love and miss you ... x x x)
…as well as knowing what an odyssey was and what it had to do with Homer ( the poet, and also possibly the dog). The group hurried over to the library. ‘No loud talking, and mind your apostrophes’ whispered Lez Lee sternly. ‘Have you brought back some books? They’d better be in good condition and returned in time, mind’. Lydia and Belle between them told the the whole story. “That’s a rum do and no mistake’ pondered the wise old librarian, but I’m sure I’ve heard of something like this happening before somewhere. Give me a minute”. She shinned nimbly up a ladder, descending almost at once with a heavy, dusty volume which bore the inscription…..
Ye Bigge Book of Ensorcelled Dogges, (How to free themme and divers other matters)
By A Lady
Illustrations by HRH Prince Hereboy Ffetche
(That has just made me snort out loud in a public place Isabella 😂)
nocheese wrote: "(That has just made me snort out loud in a public place Isabella 😂)"(Sorry).
Val wrote: ""Lad, Don't Swither Be" - the famous advice given by Jimmy Logan in his song of the same name. "Swither" could have been Chaz's middle name as he was easily dazed and confused. He turned to Sinjin ..."(Been meaning to ask, Val, do you do crosswords? That anagram is very impressive! 🙂).
Librarian Lez Lee carefully placed the ancient volume on her table and taking a cloth in hand, carefully wiped its dusty surface, revealing the cracked leather binding with its worn gold lettering surrounded by several images of dogs of various kinds, all somehow slightly distorted to the eye, as if they really were somehow spellbound. Cautiously, she opened the cover, revealing a totally blank endpaper. Equally cautiously, she turned the first page, only to find that this also was blank. She lifted her gaze, meeting Belle's eyes, 'This isn't looking good.' 'Try another page,' urged Belle. Lez did so, with the same result. More pages were turned and only damp stains and foxing showed on otherwise blank sheets, with no sign of lettering or pictures. Disappointment was written on every face. 'What do we do now?' Lez closed the volume and set off again up the ladder, this time coming down with a book entitled ...
Isabella wrote: "Val wrote: "(Been meaning to ask, Val, do you do crosswords? That anagram is very impressive! 🙂)..."I haven't done crosswords in years. I find you have to commit to doing them (from one source) regularly to get inside the setter's brain. With the anagram, I found 'lad' and 'don't' quite easily - the rest was just trial and error and it doesn't really make much sense with the 'be' tagged on. But I couldn't be bothered to try any harder.
.... You Can't Hide From K9 Heidi by Dogs Finding Dogs. "What we need," said Librarian Lez Lee, "is to first locate K9 Heidi and then present her with the bottle of HP sauce which has Homer's saliva on it. K9 Heidi has never been known to fail, apart from that one occasion when....
.,.when in a misguided moment she set up ‘The No1 Bitches Detective Agency’, and found herself immediately cancelled on social media, and excoriated by the press, especially The Doggy Mail. Poor Heidi was baffled until a kindly vet, Dr Faye Slicker, explained that the perfectly innocent and correct name for a female of the canine variety was in some quarters and for some reason a serous insult. ‘It’s political correctness gone mad’ said Dr Slicker, giving Heidi a kindly pat. ‘You’re good at what you do, in fact you’re the best,don’t let this stop you’. So K9 Heidi carried on finding those dogs that seemed lost forever, stuck in all sorts of unlikely places by evil, dog despising entities. But could she find a dog ensorcelled in an illuminated manuscript? And could our motley crew find K9 Heidi?
nocheese wrote: "(That has just made me snort out loud in a public place Isabella 😂)"I'm not surprised, nc. Brilliant stuff, Isabella.
"Well if Yodel can't deliver us to K9 Heidi then no-one can!" ... declared Lydia ... "And, as everyone knows, there is only one way to summon a Yodel Courier Van ... "And so all the friends left the Library and stood outside in a quiet and empty side street, and together, after a count of three, they all sang at the very top of their voices ...
"High on a hill was a lonely goatherd, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
Folks in a town that was quite remote heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
Lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
O-ho-lay-dee-odl-lee-o, o-ho-lay-dee-odl-ay ...
O-ho-lay-dee-odl-lee-o, o-lay-dee-odl-lay ...
A prince on the bridge of a castle moat heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
Men on a road with a load to tote heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
Men in the midst of a table d'hote heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
Men drinking beer with the foam afloat heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
One little girl in a pale pink coat heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
She yodeled back to the lonely goatherd, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
Soon her mama with a gleaming gloat heard, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-lay-hee-hoo
What a duet for a girl and goatherd, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
Odl-lay-ee (odl-lay-ee) ... Odl-lay-hee-hee (odl-lay-hee-hee), Odl-lay-ee
O-ho-lay-dee-odl-lee-o, o-ho-lay-dee-odl-ay ... O-ho-lay-dee-odl-lee-o, o-lay-dee-odl-lay
Happy are they, lay-dee-o-lay-dee-lee-oh, Oh-lay-dee-oh-lay-dee-hay-dee-oh
Soon the duet will become a trio, Lay-ee-odl-lay-ee-odl-ooh
Odl-lay-ee, odl-lay-ee (odl-lay-ee) ...
Odl-lay-hee-hee (odl-lay-hee-hee), odl-lay-ee (odl-lay-ee)
Odl-lay-odl-lay (odl-lay-odl-lay), odl-lay-odl-lee (odl-lay-odl-lay)
Odl-lay odl-lee (odl-lay-odl-lay) ... Odl-lay-odl-lee-odl-lay (woo!)"
And there was the loud honk of a horn followed by a blinding flash of headlights and suddenly there was a ...
“But before we go” added Lydia, “who’s got the HP Sauce bottle?”. Everyone looked at everyone else. Then BJ said “Hayley, I believe I gave it back to you, after I’d wiped Homer’s saliva off it…….oh dear, that could be a problem, couldn’t it?”
“Not necessarily” said Belle, “Not if……”
… you kept the tissue or whatever you used to wipe it.” “Erm, well, I think I may have dropped it in the confusion,” confessed BJ, aware that littering wasn’t quite the thing to admit in the presence of the police.
“Very careless,” remarked Belle, with disapproval, while Hayley produced not only the bottle but the crumpled tissue, “I saw you drop it and meant to have a word …”
BJ sighed with relief and watched as she handed the items to Lydia but his relief was short lived as just as Lydia’s fingers touched the bottle …
