Adding Memories and Deleting Them

[Pat]

One of the themes that runs through most of my books is memory -- How much can we trust our memories? How much do our memories make us who we are? Does an actual experience shape us, or does the memory of the experience shape us? Often a person can survive a trauma, but the memory of the trauma haunts him or her forever, becoming an experience in itself, different than the original happening. On the other hand, Alzheimer's is such a terrible disease because along with memory loss comes loss of self.

No, this isn't going to be a deep discussion about the philosophy of memory. I'm just curious -- if we came equipped with delete keys, such as on a computer, are there memories you would delete, or would you keep them all intact? And if we had a key to  add any memory, would you add one -- perhaps the memory of an ideal vacation in Italy or Spain in lieu of traveling there?

I'm sure this relates to books somehow -- certainly there have been many stories and novels written throughout the years dealing with this theme -- but I thought I'd keep it simple and short. And fun. This is part of my book release celebration after all!

Pat Bertram
Author of Daughter Am I, a young woman/old gangster coming-of-age adventure.
http://secondwindpublishing.com/Daugh...

[Lookman]

I think we all have lots of memories that we would like to delete, but they are often the inspiration for our creativity. The problem with writing is you are raking over the past for inspiration - some things are best let lie.

[Eric]

Wow, heady topic Pat. I would absolutely delete some memories from the old memory bank if I could. Mostly just stupid stuff I did in my younger days. I would retain the lessons learned in those moments but I'd love to forget the painful embarrassment associated with them now. That would be great. They come up in such odd and inconvenient times to subvert my self confidence (which is shaky enough as it is)
No way would I delete all the painful stuff but only a select few. We need those certain hurtful memories to keep us on our toes later in life. There is something to be said for "never forget" being a powerful tool to be used against making stupid decisions twice.

[Shane]

Alzheimer's has become a fertile ground for literature today even as it insidiously and progressively erases us of our self - just like wars, murders and other atrocities provided us with fodder for our writing while they rob us of our lives.
I guess with physical life expectancy increasing, dealing with mental decay will become an even more important issue in the future. Best of luck with the book!

[Sheila]

Wouldn't want to add or delete, but when family remember things differently from me, I'd love a way to work out the discrepancies.

[Mickey]

I have lots of memories I would rather forget but let's say I could really erase them. First of all, are the memories really accurate? And what about all the little details that accompany the main text of the memory. I'm referring to smells, sounds, colors, someone's brief touch, etc. If the entire memory is wiped, maybe some precious little piece will be lost along with it and impact a thousand other memories in a unanticipated domino effect. Maybe I'm off the deep end here, which is nothing new, but I guess I'll keep the whole mess in my brain.

[Jerrica Knight-catania]

I have to agree with Sheila...nothing to add or delete, really...but my mother has problems remembering things correctly, always has. People used to reprimand me for correcting her in public when I was little - I can't stand when people don't get the facts right, and my mother never could (or would??) So, yes, I too wish there was a way to work out those discrepancies.

[Sharon]

While I would just as soon not have done some of the things I did, the memories are still important. You learn something from your mistakes, after all ... and if you erase those memories, maybe you'll make the mistakes again.

That said ... people will always recall the same incident differently (that's why eyewitness testimony is actually the least reliable thing in court), because they filter what they see through their experiences and try to fill in the gaps that way.

[Michael]

No, I wouldn't erase any of my memories. There are certainly some unpleasant ones roaming around in my head. But as a writer those episodes and what I learned from them are grist for the mill. I wouldn't have been able to write my novel if I hadn't been through some of the difficult periods in my life. So while I wouldn't chose to relive those days, neither would I chose to "unlive" them.

[S.A.]

Shane wrote: "Alzheimer's has become a fertile ground for literature today.."

I am currently editing my late father's autobiography, "Are You an Artist, Mister?" Dad's last dozen years or so were marred by Alzheimer's, and the autobiography is unfinished. But I am so glad he was able to record so much of his memories - especially his early ones of being a teenager in London at the outbreak of WW2 - before this cruel disease robbed him of his life . It has left his family with the most wonderful record of a talented, amusing and thoroughly decent man.

Our memories are what our dreams are made of. I don't think we should throw them away - we should rather seek to learn from the painful ones, and treasure the nice ones.

[Mairead]

As painful and unpleasant as some of my memories are, I can't honestly say that I would delete them. Shove them into the furtherest recesses of my mind, yeah, but delete them? No. Even the most unpleasant of my memories added some facet to who I am today.

What I would really like - would be to recall some of the memories of my great-grandmother from my childhood. Time and distance has made the memories somewhat vague, but slight scottish accent brings great-grandmother to mind and I can remember listening to her talking to her parakeets.

[Pat]

I like the idea of being able to recall good memories more vividly while making the unpleasant memories less vivid. Usually, in life, it's the reverse.

[Mairead]

Nanette wrote: "I have to say that in my life and the path that it took--and I say, the path "it" took, because I've had one of those lives where so much was out of my control - I would either delete all the memor..."

I hear you. From my perspective - having a similar frame of reference - these memories are a sort of talisman to hold that reassures me that no matter what else is thrown at me - I will not only survive, I will thrive.

[Jewel]

I've often thought about this very thing, and I can honestly say I wouldn't want to forget anything about my life, nor change it. Because if I changed the slightest thing, I would not be who I am.
Growing up poor in a home of alcoholism and abuse and moving from housing project to housing project, and being raised on welfare, there were so many things that were painful, but that pain helped to shape and mold me, and those memories of my poor choices and the choices imposed on me by others, helped me to understand that life is hard sometimes, and what you do with those trials and how you handle them is much more important than the trial itself.
So no, I would not want to forget a single thing or the lessons learned:-)

[Natasha]

i would definatley delete many memories i have in mind. some of them i just wish they never happened so some people could be friends with me.thinghs i have done that weher nor acceptable... the punishments where very excrutiating. i don't even want to just bring out all these emotions write now just thinking about them
i do want to forget it but the lessons were very deep and thoughful to use in life

[J.]

Sadly, yes, I have some memories, and some things I’ve done, that, at first thought, I would erase if I could.

I understand there is a drug that can do just that—erase a traumatic experience from one's recollection. Of course this has caused quite a stir and much debate. Would such a drug have helped my father overcome the post traumatic stress he endured after serving in World War II? Would victims of any violent attack be helped to live a normal life? Indeed they might, but at what cost?

We are, after all, who we are, the good and the bad, the result of the life we live. We certainly learn from the choices we make as well as from the choices others make for us, the burns we sustain along the way, and those hurts we inflict upon others. Hopefully, regret for yesterday helps us to make better choices tomorrow.

If writers write what they know, in large part from personal experience, what sort of book would result if we had only happy memories from which to draw?

[Jewel]

I agree:-)

[Juliet]

These are the middle of the night moments that keep us awake, wishing we could get a do-over. All the sages tell us, however, to live in the moment, and although that's a real challenge, it's about the only relief I can get from those old "crimes and misdemeanors." I would erase anything, though--and I think except for PTSD type violence--it's probably not wise to. Anyone see "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?" This deals in an amusing way with this dark possibility.

[Juliet]

OH rats--that's "would not" above...

[Rhonda]

One of my earliest fascinations with memory was through Alice in Wonderland, specifically "The Annotated Alice" which was recommended when I was in college. Alice is often confronted with things which just "don't seem right." Thus as a young philosophy student I came to wonder about how we process things according to our familiarity with them in our past... and how the novel or strange becomes discarded as an aberration.
Still it seems even more fascinating how we often change the past to be in accord with our present beliefs, even when somewhat innocent. This isn't isolated to people with medically deficient memories as each of us, I am sure, often synthesizes several events from long ago and makes them into a single issue. My mother used to combine episodes in stories she liked to tell. I enjoyed them because they reminded me of the magic of being alive, the brevity of the experience and how truly fragile we are as humans in an hostile world.

[Nicholas]

Ben Affleck stared in the movie, Paycheck where after working for three years designing and building a device, had agreed before starting that when completed any memory of his three years of effort would be erased. It was the ultimate non-disclosure agreement. As it turned out, he struggled to reconstruct those three years.

Two years ago, my father died from Alzheimer’s. Watching his memories and who he was sliding away a slice at a time was to say the least, heartbreaking. What I wrote and published about him, in the context of this discussion was this:

I believe the sum of our experiences uniquely weaves together, defining us. Our grasp of who we are individually and collectively is too valuable to selectively poke holes to lessen our embarrassments and failures in life. A lesson is not a lesson unless we remember what circumstance taught us our individual specks of wisdom in the first place.

Not earth shaking, but what keeps us humble has more value than gold.

[Colleen]

I would definately erase some memories, but if they were life defining memories, I would add some happy false ones that accomplish the same end.

[Pat]

Thank you all for responding. I realize it's not an easy discussion, but every since I wrote More Deaths Than One, where a character remembers things that may or may not be true, I've been curious if it's our memories that define us or the experiences. Apparently it's both.